Come so far, but got so far to go...

A song from my favorite movie is a pretty good definition of how I view my life right now.

I know we've come so far
But we've got so far to go
I know the road seems long
But it won't be long 'till it's time to go
So, most days we'll take it fast
And some nights lets take it slow
I know we've come so far
But baby, baby we've got so far to go!

I was writing a letter to C last night to put with a gift I got her for Christmas, reflecting on some things that I try not to let myself think about very often, namely my progress in recovery. It's almost one year to the day... and when I think back to that day, it makes me want to curl up and hide in that place in my brain where I hid so many things. Just the thought of how bad it was causes me pain. But then I think about how I view things now, and I feel like I have come so far in my perspective of my life and what I want out of it. That being said, being in counseling has slowly taken away the coping mechanisms I used as a kid to survive, which as an adult are not healthy... and that leaves me open and vulnerable to a lot of things. Progress is not fast when you feel vulnerable.

While I know I have made strides in the right direction, I am nowhere near where I hoped to be one year later. The good news is that I think I have learned more and made more progress in the past 2 months with my new counselor than I did with over the last year. I just can't let myself fall into the trap that I did over the summer. I fell back into denial and stopped going; stopped because it was too hard and denial was too easy. My life is never going to be the way I want it if I let myself fall back into denial. If I keep my eyes on God, I will be lead through the darkness to safety. There is nothing I want more than to be on the bright side of this dark place.