Really working to acknowledge my feelings lately. So often my first instinct is to bury them because the actual feeling of them is so uncomfortable but it's becoming more apparent to me that therein lies a lot of my inability to understand the weight I'm carrying around right now as a result of the accidents.
So at this very moment I am feeling very lonely. It doesn't happen often but when it does, it is strong. I'm to a point now where almost all of my friends are married with kids and the ones that aren't are more surface friends than actual let's go out and do things together friends. I loooooove my best and closest friends and their families so much. I am SO happy when I am around them. I have uncountable and priceless memories with each and every one. But it's hard to be the third/fifth/seventh wheel. I sometimes think to myself "This is so pathetic... find your own life and family. Stop encroaching on theirs!" I know that's the insecure part of me but it is still hard to dismiss all of it when it seems like there is so much truth to my random placement within their lives.
It's also hard when you are alone because your best and closest friends are families. They have their own lives that are so complex with jobs, schedules, kids activities and family responsibilities. Those take up a vast majority of their time. I am lucky enough to share it often but there are times where the busyness of their lives all overlap and it leaves me alone; sometimes for weeks at a time. I'm in one of those stretches right now and it's so defeating to feel like you aren't needed or wanted. I obviously know that's not true but when everyone is off doing their own thing and you are sitting back watching it all unfold on Facebook and Instagram, it hurts. Like the kind of pain felt in 3rd grade when your best friend goes and plays with someone else and leaves you out.
These stretches always make me question how I'm living my life. Am I living it the way that's going to make me happy 5 years from now? 10 years from now? What am I going to do if these friends move away? Would I be OK with being alone more than I am now?
These stretches always make me reconsider dating. How awesome would it be to be married to your best friend? You'd never be alone! Not like never be physically alone because, OH MY GOD I WOULD GO INSANE, but figuratively never alone. What solace can be gained by knowing you have someone who chooses to be with you. I can't say I've ever had that so the thought of it is so appealing during these times.
But as much as my heart thinks it needs that to fill this hole that opens up every now and then, my brain thinks otherwise. There is no man that exists that can deal with my fears and baggage, especially now that I'm 31. I had the chance when I was 23 with B, but I blew it. I had no clue what I was doing and just flat out ruined our relationship. I was so waist deep in my own mess of a life that I couldn't have possibly done anything different and that kills me because I think about the what-ifs all the time. So my brain has just accepted that my window has closed. And to be honest, I am OK with that.
Most of the time.
But these stretches of time that leave me questioning my choices in life make me crazy. They make me hope for something that is never going to happen. They make me yearn for something I can't have. And that makes the loneliness so much greater.
3 days ago