Women, Food and God

About 6 weeks ago V and I had a discussion about therapy and how I thought it was going. I absolutely love V and really feel as though she was the answer to my prayers, even though it took me a long time to find her! In session she really challenges me to get out of my comfort zone, but is also really good about picking up on when it is becoming too much for me. There have been times where I have ignored my own signals and pushed myself too far, just to suffer the consequences later when I leave the safety of V's office. We discussed all these things, but the main thing we focused on is what I'm doing outside of sessions. I always felt I needed to push myself so hard and fast because I only had an hour a week with her. That hour goes by quickly and I hated feeling so unproductive outside of sessions (even though she argued that most of the work I have been doing has been outside of her office, not actually in it!). I asked if there was a way she could provide me with things to do in between sessions, mainly articles or books to read, but also things like journal topics or homework. That way I felt like I had a hand in my own therapy while I was outside her office and didn't feel like I was just sitting around waiting for the next hour.

It has proven to be a really good thing for me. It has given me a path and purpose every week rather than just counting down the days, hours and minutes until my next session. Most of my work so far has been in the writing form, which is something I have really come to enjoy over the past few years. I find it such an easy way for me to get out what is inside.

Two weeks ago V recommended the first book as something she thought would be helpful for me. It's called Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth. She was in the process of reading it and said that there were so many times she would read a passage and think to herself "This would be great for Lily to hear" or "This reminds me of Lily". I was a little hesitant when I heard the title because I have had such a huge wall up with my spirituality lately. I'm not sure what it is, but I know I don't want to talk about it. She still encouraged me to read it because there were many things in there that she thought would be helpful.

As I ventured out to return a book at the library I already had (The Red Pyramid, recommended by my kids and definitely not a therapy book! Haha!), I ventured in the non-fiction section to see if they had it. Sure enough, it was on the shelf staring right back at me. I grabbed it and went to the readers section to read a little bit of it to see what I thought. Before I knew it, I had read almost 75 pages and found myself chuckling and nodding at the things that she was writing about.

I don't have an ED, but I do have my struggles with food. After I was abused I used food to self-soothe. I went from 140 lbs my freshman year to 26o lbs when I graduated high school. Food was my escape. Fat was my safety. In November 2004, when I was a junior in college, something in me switched. I literally woke up on the day of November 29th and decided I was done being fat. By the time I graduated in May 2006 I had lost almost 100 lbs. I gained back what we teachers refer to as "The first year 15" but have comfortably stayed in the 173-185 range for 5+ years. That seems to be my body's comfort zone. I know if I worked out and didn't eat as much processed food I could get down to maybe 155, but right now I'm happy staying within this range.

That being said, you don't have to have an ED to connect to this book. You have to have had a bad day and gone to the pantry instead of feeling the stress or the pain. You have to have had times where you are bored and choose to eat because it's easy. I don't know of a single person who would not be able to connect to this book. It talks a little about trauma and how food is used as a means to avoid feelings, but it also talks about how you can learn to not let food control you which is something I struggle with. When I'm on the higher end of my aforementioned range, I restrict like crazy. No, you can't eat this. You are going to gain one more pound and be too fat. When I'm on the lower end, I overeat. You've got some wiggle room, go and eat that hamburger you want! Order that pizza! Don't workout!

She uses a type of no nonsense humor and her own struggles with weight as fuel for her thoughts in this book. I'm really enjoying it. I have my journal with me as I'm reading and am often stopping to write down tidbits that I find very profound or helpful. I've gone back to re-read the first few chapters again (it doesn't flow really well in my opinion, so it's harder for me to read and therefore commit to memory) but have already filled up a couple of pages just in those chapters alone.

I wanted to share this book with you all because I really do feel like it has a message that everyone can connect to. It's not preachy and really is more of a spiritual book rather than a "God" book. I'm looking forward to getting further into it and learning more about myself through what I eat!

Where is my motivation?!

My company teamed up with our local hospital to offer a free wellness check for all employees that wanted to participate. So of course, getting $400 of free bloodwork and a general health analysis based on family history and personal info could not be passed up! As much as I hate needles, I just could not pass up this opportunity.

Everything is normal... I wasn't expecting anything less! My HDL (good cholesterol) is a little low, but that could have been the medicine I've been tapering off of or just the fact that I am overweight. I knew that was going to be my only mark. So I got my analysis back this week and the first thing that I open in that folder is a sheet saying I'm at risk of heart disease, cancer and diabetes. The first two mainly because of my family history, but also because I am oveweight. It felt like such a slap in the face. I know that I worked my butt off to lose the weight I did and I know that I did so much to improve my health, but seeing this analysis just makes me feel that all that work was for nothing because I am still unhealthy! I have gained 20 lbs over the past 3 years and have now pushed myself back into the obese (god, I hate that word) category. I am short, but carry my weight well. I wear 10's and 12's for the most part and do not feel that I am *sigh* obese. So with tapering off my meds, I know that my metabolism has a better chance of ramping back up and giving me an opportunity to get back to the wei.ght lo.ss that I was able to achieve in 18 months.

Only problem is, I have no motivation. Sure I want it, and I know I could do it if I could get my will power under control, but I am having a hard time finding that drive that I used to have. It is so frustrating. Over the past 3 years, I can get my food under control, but then can't establish an exercise routine. Then I get my exercise under control but feel that I can slip on the food. My lifestyle has completely changed however. I rarely eat fast food and whenever I do go out I'm always thinking "Is there anything healthy I can eat there?" but it is proving to be the things that pop up that are doing me in. Snacks in the work room, snacks at meetings. I eat and don't even realize it! I used to be able to see all food and be like "WHOA. Red light! Do you want to eat that even though it is going to cost you?"... and the answer was always NO! I had such willpower! Now it's like I go into a complete haze and just stuff my face with (insert any food here) and only then do I realize that I could have stopped myself if I had just thought about it!

November 29th is my 5th year ann.ivers.ary of starting W.W. My goal is to lose 10 lbs by then so I can celebrate two good things. Somehow that ann.ivers.ary will almost be in vain if I continue on the path I am on right now.

Am I doomed?

I'm so wound up right now I couldn't possibly sleep even though I am exhausted. I didn't get home til 8 tonight.

I started trying on clothes tonight to figure out what to wear tomorrow. I had to dress to the nines today since it was a special day, so I wanted to be business "comfy" tomorrow. I pulled out a pair of pants I hadn't worn in a while. They fit, but there isn't a shirt big enough to cover my muffin top. Ugh. Switch pants, they fit too a little looser than I remember but still tight at the waist and plop, muffin top. So I hopped on the scale w/ the clothes. Bad choice. On the scale without the clothes, better but still awful.

Back story: Up until 2005 (call it Dec 04) I was morbidly obese... easily 100 lbs overweight. While finishing my last 18 months in college I dropped 83 lbs. Then pre-graduation celebrations hit and I gained some weight, but was back down to 167 when I started work. Over the past 3 years workingl, I have put on 13 lbs... most of which has been in the past year during my intense struggles with dealing with my abuse and emotional issues I never really knew I had.

So FF to tonight and it was just too much. I haven't had a panic attack in a while, so this definitely caught me off guard. I feel like I've lost control. I have been eating out with little regard to whether or not it's the best thing for me. It's definitely the easiest. I have been relying on pre-packaged processed food for convenience. I don't remember the last time I cooked something that required a little elbow grease. I used to cook all the time. Before it was the food that I almost always had in check and the exercise I struggled with and now I feel as if I've completely lost my ability to make good choices, to stop eating when I'm not hungry or even to recognize the fact that I'm putting stuff in my mouth without even realizing it. I have come home every day for the past 2 weeks and just stuffed my face without even remembering what I ate. That really scares me because the feeling that comes with that is somehow I will never be able to go back to how I was before. I had will power. I had awareness. I had desire.

I don't know how to get that back, and I do not want to continue on this path I am on. I am so afraid to get fat again.