Needing to Believe

A homework assignment I was given by A on that horrible emergency session I had a couple of weeks ago was given back to me with a new extension. It's been in the back of my mind since Tuesday, but came racing up to the forefront today when I was driving home from one of countless errands I ran today.

The original assignment was to fill in the blanks from a popular 80's song, "When I'm Back on My Feet Again" by Michael Bolton. I've heard it many times before, in fact I think I even have it on my iPod, but never really listened to the lyrics. Given the dark place I was in a couple of weeks ago, A thought it only fitting to give me this assignment. I spent a lot of time on it, trying to figure out what I needed to get out on paper.

My title reads: "When I'm Able to Believe Again." 8 times I pose that hope.

My chorus:

When I'm able to believe again,

I'll walk determined down this path again

And you'll look at a smile again

And you'll see that I'm free.

Gonna hear the voice of reason,

Gonna hear the words of God

Won't be loud, won't be loud,

'Til I open my heart to Him.

When I'm able to believe again

Gonna feel this shame diminish,

Gonna pray for God's grace to fall on me,

One sweet day, one sweet day

I will deserve it,

When I'm able to believe again.

So A poses the somewhat obvious question for me to work on this week. What do I want to/need to believe? It was as if God delivered this answer to me as I was driving, because out of nowhere I stopped singing to the radio and it was just there.

I need to believe that someone can love me, as damaged as I am. Somewhere in the back of my mind I've decided that I am not worthy of anyone's love because of how I feel inside. I know my family loves me, but they "have" to. Part of me has even convinced myself that they loved the pre-abused, pre-messed up me and are obligated to keep doing the same.

But deep down I know that I won't let anyone love me until I can figure out how to love myself. Somehow that seems like the much harder thing to do.

It's Not Easy

Music always makes me so introspective. One of my absolute favorite pieces is "Rhap.sody in Bl.ue". I am listening to it now. Such an amazing piece. So many different movements... some fast, some happy, some slow, some melancholy. So much like life.
If you have the time, listen to the two parts I have linked here.

Session today went well. I adapted my summer goal from "not having nightmares" (not really something I can control) to "not thinking about things right before bed that cause me to have nightmares". That being said, I established a habit a long time ago to go through step by step all of the events that occured up to and including my abuse, mainly because there are fuzzy spots/gaps in my memory and I would always hope that I would remember if I went through it every day. So it just became something I did before I went to bed, like washing your face or brushing your teeth. Aside from being habit, there is a fear there that I am going to forget things and not be able to remember enough to work through it. Like I really could ever forget, but the fear is still there. So it was suggested to me that I write it down, that way I don't have to burden myself with the constant barrage of emotions and feelings that come with reliving the abuse every day. My first reaction was so point out that it could be found and read by someone, but honestly the fear was more in the actual putting into words what I see in my head. That is extremely scary for me. (See this post for a journal entry I wrote on this exact thing).

So as it was presented to me, I've put myself in a very contradictory circle. I am having nightmares because I am thinking of the abuse every night, but I have problems going to sleep if I don't go through it. I'm afraid I'm going to forget if I don't do that, but am also afraid to do what will give me the piece of mind to go to sleep easier. So my homework this week is to figure out a solution to my dilemma that I am comfortable with. It can be anything I want it to be... there is no right answer. But I know what I can do to help myself heal (and possibly hurt) more, and it isn't the easy decision. But life lately has been anything but easy decisions, so why should this be any different?

Forward Thinking

Howdy all, I'm back from the Rocky Mou.ntain state. Spent some fun times with my family, went up to our cabin (where it was cold enough to need multiple layers!), hiked, kayaked, and did other wilderness things. I got back home today, a good 40 degrees higher than it had been where I was. And now, 10:30 at night my A/C has chosen to crap out. Fabulous.

I had sent A an e-mail last week after our last session because I was feeling extremely overwhelmed with the things we were discussing and my inability to acknowledge them at that specific moment in session. That in turn was leaving me to feel extreme guilt for what I left unanswered and for telling myself that I should have been brave enough to talk. After all, they are just words right? Beginning our session tonight with the e-mail I sent, we picked apart the things I told her were keeping me from speaking up in session, as well as my hopeless feeling that no matter what I do, there is just too much to fix to even bother. At first we focused on why I feel as though I am not able to speak up in session when asked something that really strikes a chord with me. Bottom line - I'm telling myself I should not be feeling this way and that I am bad/awful/wrong for doing so. Solution - Work on using positive reinforcement as a means to at least acknowledge what I am feeling is there, and if I can do it, tell myself it is OK that I am feeling that way. Main line - the negative thinking is hurting and not helping me, but positive thinking is at worst neutral, but has the potential to be helpful.

In addition to that, I am to start working on forward thinking instead of backward thinking. Part of the hopelessness I am feeling is because of revisiting sessions where I feel I did not do the best I could, or push myself as hard I could, causing me to wish I had said this or done that, etc. etc. Instead of thinking backwards, I am to think forward. If there was something I didn't answer or bring up that is still on my mind later, write it down and talk about it next time... or don't if I still don't feel like it. That way I am taking control of what I can change (i.e. the future) instead of obsessing what I can't (the past). Seems so obvious, but for someone like me who was always called out on past actions, it is not easy to break that cycle.

After discussing these very important things, she asked me: "What do you feel you are ready to talk about?" causing me immediate stress in having to categorize and prioritize the things in my mind and pick something to talk about. Ugh. Picking one thing over the other is hard for me to do, because it means that I have to vocalize what I think is the most pressing issue. In all honesty, I'm afraid that what I want to talk about is something that she thinks I don't need to work on. Stupid I know, but I am afraid that if I say the abuse is something I want to talk about, she's going to think "Why is she bringing this up again? Doesn't she know this isn't the cause of all of her problems?" So instead of being direct, I tiptoed around vague things until time was up. My immediate reaction was to be disappointed in myself, but I tried to push that into making goals for next weeks session based on what I would have changed for this weeks.

They are as follows:
- Don't be vague, be direct and give details of my fears
- Try not to hold back tears if they are there
- Be honest about what I want to talk about

It's now 11PM and it's still 93 degrees outside.. and I still have a broken air conditioner. Forward thinking says I'll be placing a call to the office at 8AM sharp to get someone to come fix it.

Journal Share

My session this week focused on my list that I posted a few posts ago, the quotes from the book that stood out to me. I was so terrified of talking about those quotes. I didn't go as in depth as I should have. *sigh* In addition to that we talked about any feelings of anxiety that I had in the past week, as almost all of my emotions show in the form of anxiety. I had sent her an e-mail last Tuesday night after my session because what we had talked about was very overwhelming to me, and I told her I felt the need to quit. When she asked me about this Tuesday, I told her I wished I hadn't sent her that e-mail at all. Now I feel like I can't quit seeing as I've brough attention to the fact that I want to. She told me I had a decision to make, whether or not I wanted to continue in the cycle I had been living the past 12 years or if I wanted to take a different path. I told her I had already made my decision... otherwise I wouldn't have shown up that day.

My homework for this week is to think about the decision I have made to move forward even though the work it is going to involve is going to be very hard. I am supposed to write down any fears, thoughts, ideas that enter my mind when I think about this. Oddly enough, I had already done this before Tuesday... when I was feeling so overwhelmed with everything.

"I want to run and hide. I want to pretend like nothing is wrong. I want to go back to feeling numb, because numb doesn't hurt. I feel as though everything I have done this past year has led me down this emotionally draining path with little to show for it. Now I'm coming face to face with the face that I really haven't been dealing with emotions at all, but that I have been repressing almost everything. So what is this pain I have been living with? Why do I feel as though I've been doing nothing but feeling, just to realize the opposite? If repression feels like this, what will feeling feel like? Opening the door to this is like an avalance on my soul. I don't know if I can withstand the weight."

Busted

So I'm right smack dab in the middle of my "good days", generally 2 weeks before I start my period up until about 2 days before. My hormones are normal, I generally have little to no anxiety (or panic attacks), no mood swings and definitely no suicidal thoughts. I cherish these days. That being said, it's harder for me to think about what I want to change in my life and be more aware of the things that are being discussed in therapy. My focus is all on the fact that I'm happy and can function rather than trying to reprogram my brain to react to certain situations in new ways or to approach the way I treat myself differently... basically trying to undo bad/unsafe habits that I picked up in childhood as ways to cope. So because of that "auto-pilot" type of mentality, I haven't been keeping up with the homework I had for this last week. Did I have some of those bad thoughts and feelings? I'm sure. Can I remember them now? No.

Crap. I'm going to be so busted tomorrow.

If I even make it til tomorrow. I started feeling crappy yesterday, slept most of the day and still feel bad today. I'm hoping by skipping the gym today and going to bed early I can nip this in the bud!

Triggers

So my first official day of winter break has been draining. I have had more anxiety in a 2 hour time period than I have in quite some time... oh the joys of triggers. I had an appointment for my annual exam with my OBGYN. I'd put it off for almost 8 months and couldn't justify going any further even though current events in my life had me an absolute basket case. I knew I needed to tell her about my past, but I just wasn't sure how. I got there and immediately started feeling panicky. While sitting in the exam room, wearing the dinky little robe and being covered with a sheet, I started shaking. Not because I was cold but because I was so nervous. She walked in, we exchanged greetings, discussed changes in medications, menstruation, etc when I took my turn. I honestly don't remember all that I said, just that I was so tense and shaking the whole time and I was trying not to cry. I am proud of myself, that I was able to do something that I knew would be hard for me, but would be the best for me as well. I had never told her anything about abuse in my past and as my doctor for the past 6 years she should know. I don't remember much of the exam, though. When I get really panicked/threatened/anxious, I retreat to this place in the back of my mind where no thought/memory is allowed. I remember feeling some pain this time, which was new, but I chalk that up to being so damn tense. Aside from that I couldn't tell you if she talked to me or not, if I was there for 5 minutes or 20. It was my goal to not do this, to be more in tune with what was going on because retreating the way I do is not how I should be coping anymore... but it was just too much in a short period of time. I guess I'll get another shot next year.

I have a session tomorrow and I am not looking forward to it. The "homework" I was given was extremely hard for me to do, and again I felt so threatened by it that I shutdown and went into "self-presevation" mode. I wrote about it, but from a distant, disconnected perspective. I didn't think about what I was writing nor did I let it affect me. We'll see how that goes when I share it tomorrow... if I can share it. I'm thinking tomorrow isn't going to be a tense-free day either. At least I'm going out with my girlfriends tonight... that oughta loosen me up a bit!