It gets better, but never really goes away...

For many reasons, winter is a hard time for me. I do believe I struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder to some degree plus all my prior breakdowns have happened during the winter months so that makes me absolutely dread this time of year.

I've added a new trauma to contribute to my stressors during this time as well: the dentist.

After a very traumatizing appointment this summer that resulted in a 20 minute episode of hyperventilation followed by my body finally shutting down and passing out, I have had some issues these last few weeks with nightmares and flashbacks as my upcoming cleaning approaches. 

Already being at a greater disadvantage this time of year plus dealing with a new issue has made it extremely challenging to stay on top of my moods. I had a couple days last week where, for the first time in years, I thought about suicide. Not as a means to an end but more as a means to let everyone know how done I am with this struggle. 

It's so frustrating because even as good as things are, it appears as though these issues are never going to go away. It's like cancer. Sure I'll go into remission, but it's only a matter of time before it comes back right? 

I haven't needed to meet with V much at all over the last 18 months. I see her maybe every 2 months unless something pops up that needs to be dealt with. I met with her last week after a series of nightmares that left me reeling. I was barely keeping it together at school and was a mess thinking about my upcoming appointment. As always she keeps me grounded in reality and helped me come up with a plan for next week but no matter what I do, there are always side effects of situations like this.

My anxiety was triggered to the point that I was staving off panic attacks for a series of 4 days. Aside from the dentist experience, I haven't had a panic attack in almost 18 months. When I get this upset, my past always slithers back in. Right on cue, I've been fighting some triggers and feeling the weight of shame return. 

It's so defeating to feel these things again. It's a lonely, horrible place to be stuck in your mind. Stuck in the past. Remembering why you are different than most of your friends. Why you can't be in relationships. Why you can't trust men. Then it makes you view life differently. Suddenly all you see are the people around you in love, the babies being born, the lives being lived. The flip side to that is then all you see is references and triggers to rape, abuse and fear. It's an awful way to live day to day. 

I toggle back and forth between keeping up the fight against letting this consume me (it's exhausting to constantly battle) and giving into the demons. So far they haven't won. We'll see if it stays that way. 

What Now?

Merry Christmas! I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday.

I spent my first Christmas in my new house with my mom, sister and soon to be brother-in-law. I spent all morning cooking up a yummy Christmas lunch and then we spent the afternoon playing games and decorating gingerbread cookies! It was the perfect day :)

The last 6 months have been so wonderful. I decided last summer that I wanted to buy a house so my path since June has been focused on learning everything I could about the home buying process, researching loans, realtors, cities, etc. As October and November rolled around I started touring houses in my area and fell in love with a house not 5 minutes from where I work. 2 weeks after my 30th birthday I closed on my house! Over the past month my focus shifted from house buying to moving to unpacking to decorating/preparing for Christmas.

As I closed the door last night and walked into my living room alone, I was overwhelmed with this feeling of "What now?!" With no more packing, moving, decorating or hosting to distract me, I suddenly realized I had no clue what to do. Buying a house was a huge step in the right direction for me. The whole process brought me such comfort and strength because it was a goal on my life's list that was going to be/is crossed off.

But now what? Where do I go from here?

It has been very unsettling to feel this sense of confusion again. I feel very lost and when I am lost, I tend to revert back to what I know will always be there: my past and my trauma. Last night I spent an hour or so reading through my posts from when I first transferred to V to the present day. Time had dulled my memory of a lot of interactions early on with V, but not the experience of hitting rock bottom. Re-reading all my words and emotions were compounded by the fact that it is almost 3 years to the day that I walked into V's office, disclosed the true depths of my depression and was escorted to the hospital. Even now, it's hard to think about. There is a strong sense of shame there still. But as hard as it is to think about, in a twisted way it brings me some comfort because it gives me direction. I know no matter what, that path of my past is always there, lying in the shadows waiting to pull me under again.