I've Had Better Days

Yesterday could have gone better...

Got to the hospital around 8 and was wheeled in around 9. It's weird to think that because I had conscious sedation I was technically awake but just wouldn't remember anything. And that's true, it was like I had a nap I didn't remember taking. Weird. They took 3 biopsies from my stomach, which the doctor doesn't seem to be too worried about, but with the amount of cancer that runs in my family, I'm not blowing this off as easily as he is. I was discharged around 11 and came home to sleep off the anesthesia. Around 4 I started running a fever (100.2), but they said only call if it gets above 101. I felt crappy but the highest it got was 100.7. I ended up skipping my session last night with A to stay home and rest. I'm still a little tired this morning, but I am feeling much better.

My best friend took me yesterday because my mom needed to take my grandma to her post-radiation treatments appointment with her oncologist to find out if it worked, what the next step is, prognosis, etc. Bad news. The radiation did not work as well as they were hoping, which means that trying another round will not be successful. Apparently the first round of radiation is the largest concentration they can give you and if it doesn't work, lower doses won't do a thing. Not only that, in addition to being in her liver and brain, the cancer has now spread to her lymph nodes, stomach and spleen. She wants to try chemotherapy to slow down the progression of this cancer, so she will start that sometime next week. My mom pulled the doctor aside while my grandma went to have some blood drawn and asked him for a time frame. Best case scenario, if the chemotherapy helps, is about 6 months. Obviously if she doesn't respond to the chemo or if it makes her too sick and she stops, it will be much less.

I freaking hate cancer.

You Can't Change Time

My session Thursday with A went well. After going over the previous comparisons of what life is like with/without cutting, we then discussed what the reality of the situation was (i.e. what I have control over changing). I again was surprised by this assignment because I found out that there is a lot more I am in control of than I thought. That was very encouraging for me to come up with so many things that I have control over and the possibility to change. The hardest thing for me is to control my thoughts. I am so used to tearing myself down and thinking negatively about myself that it is hard for me to believe that I am really capable of doing anything. Deep down I know that's not true, but when I'm face to face with something as emotionally charged as my self-injury, all I can do is think I'm too weak to change it.

We got on the subject of time, as I mentioned I realized that by drawing out this addictive behavior, all I'm doing is taking time away from myself which is highly motivating for me to change. One of the hardest things for me to cope with is getting older. I hate it. I haven't enjoyed a birthday since I was 16. The idea of getting older means to me that I am just one step further away from being able to have what I want. One year older to me means a lower chance of ever finding a husband. I mean, who wants to be in a relationship with a 26 year old that has never had a boyfriend? The bigger that number gets, the smaller my chances get. So while time is a motivating factor to help me stop cutting, it is extremely detrimental in my thinking in just about every other aspect of my life. In the 18 months I have been seeing A, that is the one thought that has made no improvement. Not even a little bit. I have changed so much in so many other areas, but I just cannot seem to change my thoughts on this. Argue till you are blue in the face and I still can't seem to change. A was quick to point out that I have honed in on one of the only things where I truly have no control and never will. I tend to do that in most areas of my life, that is, focus on the one or two things that I have the least control over and obsess on what I can do to change them. This time I picked a doozy. One that I will never be able to have any influence on no matter how hard I try. You can't change time.

In other news, I'll be heading back to the hospital on Tuesday to have a procedure done to figure out what exactly is complicating my recovery from gallbladder surgery. The pain I was having prior to surgery is still happening, but has become much more frequent since then and more painful. Hopefully they can figure out what the problem is and fix it. I had an "attack" Wednesday when I was driving and had to pull over and wait it out because I could barely concentrate on driving. Your prayers are appreciated for a successful procedure and some answers to get me on the road to healing!

What a blur!

The last 4 weeks have been an absolute blur.

Work was absolute madness with trying to prep our kids for state testing. I worked at least 60 hrs each week during the month of April. Add on top of that trying to deal with the anniversary of Tayler's death, preparing for surgery, the loss of my support group at church and all other things that normally affect you day to day, it's a wonder I survived!

Surgery was last Thursday and even though I have little experience with invasive procedures, I knew recovery for me wouldn't be a problem. Friday was the roughest, as the 2nd day normally is (or so I hear!). By Saturday I was up and moving around with ease, and by Sunday I was back at home. I tried a half-day at work today to see how tired I'd be and man, I wasn't expecting to be as tired as I am! I didn't even have to do anything but sit there and listen (today was staff development, I didn't even have to teach anything!) but 4 hrs of that and I was exhausted! So I decided to take tomorrow off and get another full day of rest before I go back full-time.

I've been living on such an adrenaline high for the past 4 weeks that my body is all over the place now. Now that surgery is over, I think it has thrown my body into a "natural" low point, to allow the ability to heal and rest. That has thrown me into a pretty bad depression. I have been so weepy over the past 3 days and I have absolutely no reason why. I am just sad. I put in a call to my surgeon to ask if that was normal to have such a "down" reaction and if there was anything I could do to improve that. Should hear back from her tomorrow.

I've got counseling tomorrow and will be staying 90 mins instead of 60. I'm hoping that if there is some underlying cause to this depression (whether triggered by surgery or the fact that I no longer can hide behind surgery) that I'll have the time to work through some of it with A. I really thing some of it is the latter. My focus for most of April was how to get through the anniversary of Tayler's death and surgery. Now that both of those are over, I have nothing to throw in front of a topic or subject that scares me. Not having that back up plan scares me.

I'm expecting a tearful session tomorrow. I think it's exactly what I need.