Hidden Thoughts

My session today focused mainly on my near constant shame based thinking. We discussed all the great things that happened this week; the things that I have wanted for so long, but never really had. Real connections. But I have had to fight the voice in my head trying to convince myself that I am going to do something to mess it up. It is a fear that has often kept me from letting people in. I can't mess up if no one is there.

I'm leaving for California on Thursday, and while I am excited, I always get very anxious before I leave because I have to put on a different front and be "happy" Lily. My dad and stepmom don't know my struggles the past two years with depression and the confrontation of my abuse. It has been well established with A that it is probably a good thing that I keep it from them, as they have both proved to be unhealthy people to confide in. It is just a lot of pressure to keep so much of my life "hidden" and (sometimes) pretend that everything is okay. A made sure to remind me that this shame I am putting on myself because I act like a different person is because my thoughts are misguided. Instead of viewing it as a negative thing, I should be proud that I recognize who in my family is trustworthy and safe to share things with and who isn't. And not only that, be strong enough to keep myself safe.

The hardest thing for me lately has been the pressure I feel around the group I have met through church. I live in constant fear that someone is going to find out that I question my faith constantly. That they'll find out how little I know about the Bible, Jesus and Christianity in general. I sit in a classroom with this group of 50 people and they all appear to be so sure and established in their faith. They don't appear to have doubts. They believe with all their hearts and do amazing work in spreading the word and helping others to believe too. Then there's me. I feel like I've swiped a sweater and shoved it in my bag and am looking around for security. I feel like I stand out like a sore thumb. That it's painfully obvious to everyone that I have doubts.

Going to church has always been a struggle for me, or rather, organized religion has. The rules, the pressure, the judgement... it has always been a horrible deterrent. But when I sit down and pray, I have no doubt. When I sing worship songs, I couldn't feel closer to God. When it's Him and me, everything is fine. When it's Him, me and other people, I start getting confused. And the thought of anyone knowing that about me scares me to death. I have never taken these thoughts out of my head and put them anywhere.. paper, computer screen or out in the world.

So having met these amazing people that I have spent quite a lot of time with, I'm afraid. I don't feel like I can ever ask anyone the questions I have for fear of being judged. I don't feel like I can ever confide my fears in anyone because they will look down on me. I about panicked when one of the girls asked me if I was going to start discipleship with them next week. How in the world can I tell them I'm not even sure enough about my own faith, let alone attempt to pair up and learn how to spread faith to others?

I did a crappy job of trying to tell A all of this. Again, I have never spoken these thoughts, and with A being a Christian, I find it extremely intimidating to talk about this with her. Towards the end of our session, A looked at me and commented on how proud she was of me for taking these steps outside of my comfort zone. She even commented on how impressed she was at how I jump head first into things that I know are going to help me when I am ready to do them. That I don't let excuses hold me back... but after we talked about how afraid I am to let people know the "real" (confused, questioning) me, she brought up one of my biggest goals: relationships. Part of having a relationship starts with trusting people with those things you want to keep hidden. Working towards letting those people you want to connect with on a deeper level know you on a deeper level.

And that is horribly scary.

Thankful

Sorry for the lack of posting, but this last week has been absolutely jam packed!

My week was amazing. I look back on certain things and can see why God put it there for me. Getting past this setback is going to take work, but this week was a huge step in the right direction.

I have been fortunate enough to find a really great church group full of people my age and current stage in life (single). A lot of them I went to college with and knew as acquaintances, others I know from other walks of life. Since I have been going there, I have felt less lost. Like I have a home. And not only that, there are people there that are truly fantastic people. Sunday mornings have consisted of class with them. After class last week, I headed to a graduation party for a friend's daughter. This friend of mine is someone who I met through CR, and it was being thrown at the daughter's house of another friend I met through CR. Over the last 3 months, we have become extremely close. I have felt like a part of their family. And sitting at that graduation party surrounded by all their "real" family and a few very close friends, I realized just why God put them in my life.

I can be loved.

These people didn't know me from Adam a year ago. Through CR, we shared our worst struggles and demons, we laughed and cried and connected with each other. Even through all of that, them knowing my past, my darker thoughts and actions, they have shown me the type of acceptance and love that my family doesn't do.

Both of these women are older (a little above and below the age of my mom), so their kids are close to my age. I hadn't ever met the daughter who hosted the graduation party, but was nervous about meeting her. I didn't want her to think that my presence was because I was trying to steal the love and attention from her parents. But again I was surprised. This girl, who is only a few years older than me, is such an amazing person. Their whole family is. I look at all of them and wonder how people can turn out to be so wonderful.

So that evening we all made plans for Thursday. Her husband is the coach at the high school that my school feeds into, so he basically coaches a lot of my former students. Thursday night they were playing a 3-game series against the #1 team in the nation to try and advance to the state championship. Everyone got together again, went to dinner then to the ballpark to watch the game. Again, sitting there eating with everyone, I just sat back and thought to myself, God has given me these people to show me that I can be loved. That I am not damaged.

Oh, and by the way... our team won the first game 14-6.

So Saturday rolls around and it's time for the 2nd game. I was invited to drive with the daughter to the game (it was much further away this time). Since she's married to the coach, we got in free and got GREAT seats. Of course it's Te.xas and it's the summer. We were in the sun the whole time and the high yesterday was 102. I was so hot and sweaty, but it was worth it... because they killed them! 12-3! #1 team? Psssh. The boys are going to state!

We went out for a celebratory dinner, me, the parents, two of the kids, the daughter in law and one of the grandkids (The coach and the oldest grandkid went to dinner with the team). They put us in a private room (we joked because we smelled so bad) and again, I was hit with how lucky I felt to be sitting there, surrounded by people who have shown that they are truly accepting, regardless of my past, present or where I might be in the future. They care about me. Now.

I have had to work hard not to take this wonderful thing and let my mind turn it into something negative. My fear always is that I am going to run people away if they ever find out the "real" me, so that voice in my head has been working overtime. "You're too selfish, once they find out you are nothing like they are, they'll leave you." "You're not a good Christian, you question too much and don't always have faith." "You're eventually going to overstay your welcome and they will push you away." That horrible voice that has permeated my thoughts for a long time. That voice that showed up after I was abused.

A and I are working on that voice. My homework this week was to catch myself in those thoughts and counteract them. It feels fake and far from genuine, but it's going to take a lot more than a week to change. I'm just so thankful God has given me these people to practice with.