Body Margin

So the current message series at my church is about margin. Basically being able to create balance in your life so that you aren't filling up and overflowing with things that can be toned down, balanced and kept away from the edge.

This week was about body margin and how to treat your body with kindness. It doesn't belong to you, it belongs to God.

Oddly enough, right before I went to church last night I had a small breakdown and put-down festival with myself over my body. I stood in front of the mirror and just tore myself apart. I made myself feel guilty for not going out and running like I "should" have, but instead choosing to veg in front of the TV.

Then I show up and have God speak to me through our senior pastor. I couldn't help but chuckle and think "Nice one, God. I hear ya."

So creating body margin is based on the idea of managing your physical energy. This can happen when exertion is followed by rest. But being able to find the balance of this is a challenge for most people. Too much exertion/not enough rest results in being over-stretched. Too much rest/not enough exertion can result in atrophy of the mind, depression.

For my life is spent with sorrow and my years with sighing; my strength has failed because of my iniquity, and my body has wasted away. (Psalm 31:10)

This made me think quite a bit about God's expectation of our bodies. He doesn't expect perfection (or at least, the man-made ideal of perfection) because to him, we are already perfect. God doesn't care that I have 30 lbs to lose, or that I would look hideous in a bikini. God sees who I am without actually seeing the physical me. I need to start thinking about that when I feel the need to demean myself because of my looks. God wants me to take care of me, because it is what he would do. God wants me to be healthy. God doesn't want me to hold myself to the standards of others, to hate the body that he gave me and to punish it in the ways that I do.

God gave me this message as I am coming up on some very stressful and hard times these next two weeks. I have to hope now that God is going to give me the strength to be able to listen to and follow it.

Finding Rest

Rest can come in different forms and serve different purposes. Physical rest is needed during times of illness and growth, as well as daily in order to recharge your mind and body. Emotional rest is needed for relief, processing and even safety. Constantly being emotionally charged is not healthy, just like constantly moving is eventually going to end up in you being forced to stop.

So how do you find spiritual rest? Have you ever thought that you need it?

Up until tonight, I never really thought about the fact that there is a place of rest in the hands of God. Not until God spoke this very thing through a dear friend at Cele.brate Recov.ery.

So many people struggle with waiting. Waiting for God to lay at their feet their greatest desires. Waiting for what you think you deserve. Waiting for the life you think you should be leading. Waiting for a sign that you are doing the right thing. Be patient. Wait and it will come. This amazing woman who spoke of this tonight at CR, is someone I can relate to in almost every aspect of my life. We share the same greatest desire. To be married, to have a family. Wanting that and not pushing to make that happen is hard. Seeing those around you finding their mates and settling into their happiness is harder. Waiting for God to give you what you want the most; hardest. Waiting to see if God's desires for you are the same as what you have in mind; terrifying.

But what happens if you let that go? Letting go gives you the rest you so desperately need because when you let that go and give it to God, it's no longer yours to wait for, to worry about. Letting go gives you the rest that will strengthen your mind and heart and let you grow closer to God. Letting go will make it all the more meaningful and powerful when you receive what God has in store for you.

Now if only letting go was easy.

December Beware

I'm not a huge fan of December. 2 years ago is when my walls came crashing down and I no longer could hide from my abuse. I was diagnosed with PT.SD and depression and barely was able to manage a normal semblance of a life.

Last year, after surviving another meltdown in late October, I spent much of the holidays in a fog. It was a time where my attempt at denial had come full force to knock me down, take away all my defenses and make me feel as though I wanted to die.

This year is different, although part of me is on edge expecting something huge and awful to happen again. I am still finding that my moods are very erratic, but I am attributing that to stress more than anything. My sadness this year is coming from missing my cousin and hurting for my family. Her death is still so painful.

This week has proved to be a test of my strength and ability to focus on my recovery. Tuesday I let my exhaustion override my desire to heal, and basically wasted my time with A. The only thing I think I really gained was that I was able to communicate that with her and realize the actions that led up to it, hopefully so that I can keep it from happening again. Part of what kept me from pushing myself is that I have been feeling very alone lately. I do not want to push myself into things that hurt as bad as they do without having someone there to comfort me. It's a vicious cycle. It is very hard for me to trust people with my emotions, yet I want them there.

As part of my homework for the week, I was asked to think of ways I can start reaching out to others and allow them to begin seeing my emotions. Trusting people with facts is one thing, trusting them with how you feel is something completely different. As previously written, I reached out to a friend at C.R. who has been very supportive. She has helped me feel as though I am not alone in this world, even if it is only once week for a few hours.

I went to C.R. on Thursday and sat in the back. I just wanted someone to notice me alone: a non-verbal way to describe how I was feeling. I was nervous about small group because I knew I needed to let some things out, but did not want to cry in front of everyone. I listened as others shared, taking bits and pieces of things that I could relate to and dreaded my turn. Finally, all eyes were on me and I began talking of how hard it has been for me in the past week to not push. I am not trusting God to put that person in my life, and I am trying to play God and do it myself. I think I do a pretty good job of letting my life flow the way it supposed to, but there are times that I am just convinced I am being short changed and will just push until I have no strength left. This is definitely one of those times.

I moved on to what I had recently discovered about my relationship with my dad. I explained to everyone that I had come to terms with the fact that I was not going to have the relationship I wanted with my dad a long time ago, but that I was just now realizing it was OK for me to be sad about that. And not only that, that I could also be hurt and disappointed for things he had done in the past. I told them of a paragraph I wrote in this letter to him about how excited I was when I found out M was going to move in because it meant that he didn't have to be alone, but it also meant that someone was going to pay attention to me. M always did, my dad rarely did. Realizing that if my dad had been there for me before M, I wouldn't have needed him to save me from M.

I didn't do such a great job holding back the tears. I imagine I was somewhat incomprehensible throughout my time, but I think I did a pretty good job letting others see my emotions, instead of just the facts. Baby steps.

After small group, our women's leader pulled me aside and asked me if I was coming to the leadership meeting. I believe "Hell no" was what went through my head, but I'm pretty sure I responded with "Uh.. no way!" I am not a leader. My main fear is that with a leadership role, the expectations that would be put on me would be too fast and too much. I see what the leaders do in this group and I am NOT ready for that. I told her that and she insisted I come anyway. I am by far the youngest person at C.R. (with the exception of one other guy) so it was very obvious that I stood out in that meeting. I kept asking myself "What am I doing here?!", while we were waiting for the head of the church to arrive.

Recently our C.R. group has gone through a lot of changes with our coord.inator being laid off. Ever since then the feeling has been different, to me at least. Things were not as organized. So with the shift of power was the need for a new team to be put into place. Once everyone arrived, we were told who was going to be in charge of C.R. now and what her goals were for our group. Using the CR group manual (as provided by Saddle.back church, the original starters of C.R.) she went through the 4 different teams that needed to be formed to make everything run as smoothly as possible. Immediately I looked at those teams and wanted to RUN AWAY. Most carried a year long commitment which freaked me out. In comparison to everyone in the room who were a good 10+ years into their recoveries, I was just an infant. How in the world did anyone think I was ready for this? The man sitting next to me was new to our C.R. group, only in attendance for 2 months and he spoke up. He said he was there because he wanted to help, but did not feel that he was seasoned enough to help in the ways that most jobs required. There was one job on the list that had very few requirements as it came to the intense work of helping others, and that was the job of the "Greeter". He volunteered for that position and said that he was looking forward to just being able to help the group by volunteering to be the smiling face at the front doors, telling newcomers where to go and introducing them to everyone.

God was giving me my window. I chimed in and thanked him for saying exactly what I was feeling. I volunteered for the same position and felt this huge weight lift off of my shoulders. It was replaced with a sense of connectedness and acceptance. I might not be ready for 95% of the jobs on that list, but I did know I could do this. God gave me the chance to take a risk. I had my mind and heart open to it and now I am feeling less alone than I have in a while.

So far, I'm liking this December.

A Prayer Answered

Last night was rough. I haven't been sleeping very well after a sequence of abuse-related nightmares Saturday night and by the time I got to counseling I was exhausted, not wanting to even get close to working on what I needed to. We read through a few journal entries I wrote before Thanksgiving that offered some insight to her about where I am emotionally.

The pain and loneliness that oozed from my words still stings.

I feel so alone. I have pushed everyone away from me because they have not been safe, supportive people in the past... but in doing this, I have left myself alone. "What can you do to remedy that?", A inquired. "How do you go from being superficial friends with someone, to someone who you let know things, to someone you let see how you feel things? How do you know someone is a trustworthy person; someone you can confide in?"

Basically I don't have anyone in my life that fits into that trustworthy category right now except for the women in my C.R. group. Specifically, two women that have reached out to me and taken me under their wings. So taking my homework assignment in stride, I took a step towards a putting myself out there; letting my pain be known to someone else besides myself. I will see her tomorrow at C.R., when I can talk to her face to face, but I sent her a Facebook message last night, in the throes of my pain and tears...

What do you do when you feel so alone that God suddenly isn't enough? I know if I keep my eyes on Him, He will comfort me but how do you counter that with wanting someone to comfort and support you?I don't know how much more I can start uncovering in therapy by myself. I just want to curl up on the floor and quit until someone notices I'm down there. How am I supposed to keep going?

Lily,

You keep going because God isn't finished with you yet. You keep going because He never gives us more than we can handle. I Corinthians 10:13 says....."No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." This is the way it is said in the NIV Bible and although not usually one to like the way The Message Bible reads, I thought it was better said...."No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it."

Making God enough is a challenge for everyone. We are all faced with wanting something we don't have or with a feeling that we NEED something to make our lives better. I struggle with this! You heard me at C.R. the other night how I struggle with wanting a spouse in my life. It is my deepest desire. I struggle with making God enough on a daily basis! So it's a daily sometimes hourly decision I have to make to give it to Him and ask Him to make Him enough. Luke 9:23 says..."Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." It is a daily decision to deny ourselves and follow Him. Don't look to how much you will have to uncover in therapy by yourself. Look at it as, today what will God and I uncover together.

So many people have told me over the years when I talked about my desire to be married again..."you have to make God enough first" and most of the times I wanted to punch them in the face! :) Yeah....blah, blah, blah, I know I have to make God enough, but what do I do with this burning desire I have? Contentment is a hard place to get to, but the one thing I have figured out is that being content is not never having a desire that isn't met, but it's having that desire and having faith to wait for God to give it. You have to be content where God has you right now..even though you see it as a bad place. God won't have to find you curled up on the floor, because He will be down there with you. He hears your cries and it pains Him, but He has greater purpose for your suffering than to just let you out of them. I know this may be difficult to believe right now, but take it from someone that has been there before.....He WILL use it someday and then you will understand and glorify Him for it. God is the God of broken people and we are His most prized possessions. Because it is when we are broken that He can fix us and then use us to help fix others that are broken. How could I write this encouraging email to you if for not that I have been EXACTLY where you are and have made it through? I have curled up on the floor with a bottle of sleeping pills in my hand, but God wasn't finished with me yet because He knew that one day this beautiful woman named Lily would need me to encourage her! I absolutely love God for that!

But no amount of words from me will encourage more than the words written in the Bible. Go read it. Go devour it.

Do me a favor? Write the following scriptures on a notecard and take it with you the next time you go to therapy.

"I will go before you
and will level the mountains ;
I will break down gates of bronze
and cut through bars of iron.

I will give you the treasures of darkness,
riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the LORD,
the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

These are found in Isaiah 45:2-3 and next to them I have written "healing!"

I will be praying for you!


I read this at work and cried, because for just a minute, I didn't feel so alone anymore. Maybe God is giving me exactly what I've prayed for.

Gratitude

Last night's group worship was focused on gratitude. It was broken down into 4 parts and discussed in the context of scripture, as well as the personal experience of one of our co-leaders. Each part gave us the opportunity to think about how to express gratitude for things God has given us, how He has put individuals in our life to help us through our lives and recoveries, how He has allowed us to recognize our own growth, and how to express gratitude for our church.

This worship and support group is really good for me because it allows me to see how God is part of my recovery and journey to a better me. During those few hours every Thursday, it is so clear to me. I have a lot of things to be grateful for, and a lot of them I can see God's hand in. But I have to sit down and think hard. I do not take the time to acknowledge the gifts life has given me, but rather I focus most of the time on the little things I cannot change and forget the amazing things I have in my life. When I let go of those things I want to change, I feel out of control. Instead of focusing on the positive, I am holding onto the negative.

Today I had a very stressful day. I was running circles in my head of what I could have done differently, how I can handle what comes after, and everything I needed to do before heading out for the weekend. No gratitude in my mind. I finally left and stopped to check my mail, which I hadn't done in almost 2 weeks and my little box was FULL of stuff. After sifting through all of it I was left with my water bill, a shoe store coupon and an envelope from my doctor's office. Ugh. I really thought I was done paying all my medical bills! I ripped it open wondering how much I was going to owe this time, but to my shock it was a check! $50 back in my pocket! Sometimes gratitude comes in different forms, but I chuckled and thought to myself, "Nice one, God. The $10 off coupon I got for the shoe store would have been enough, but you really made your point with the check!" Suddenly, the weather seemed nicer, the day a little easier.

I'm grateful I had my eyes and my heart open to God today.

Seeing Behind The Smile

A smile has a powerful message. It relays happiness, contentment, joy and love. It is a natural reaction as a result of one (or more) of these emotions. But sometimes we use our smiles incorrectly. Smiles should not hide sadness, pain, grief or loneliness.

Not only do we use our smiles to hide our feelings, but others do the same. How do we know when someone is truly happy or is using their smile to hide their real feelings? For most of us,we don't. Obviously the closer the relationship, the more you are going to recognize the attempt to cover up, but most of our daily interactions do not involve processing the true feelings of others. So is it suprising that we take the lead from others and plaster a permanent smile on our faces, too?

Today I have realized just how much that affects how I perceive other people. Being as it is the first Thursday of the month, we had a pot-luck dinner before worship tonight. It's always so much fun being able to socialize with everyone and enjoy some home cooked food. Tonight we listened to the testimony of one of the leaders of our group, and his rocky road with abuse, sexual addiction, drug use and pornography addiction, his breakdowns of multiple marriages, abandonment of his kids and the eventual path that lead him to church, God and to a seminar recommended by his pastor that introduced him to C.R. and lead him to begin this ministry. Listening to him go through his story, break down when he talked about how abandoned he felt as a young child, how empty he felt when he tried to use sex as a means to fill the hole in his heart, hit me hard. Not 30 minutes before, he was across the table, talking, eating, SMILING like nothing was wrong. And here he was before me, a flawed, hurt and broken person; just as every single one of us in that room is.

Why do we spend so much time hiding who we truly are? Why do we feel obligated to do this? Who are we protecting from our real feelings? When we split into small groups, all the women tend to break into sub-groups: one for general life issues, one for issues of abuse. Today we didn't really have enough to break apart, so we stayed together and for the first time I felt an absolute sense of security. Every week we come together and talk about our individual journeys with abuse, addictions, etc. There is no pretending that everything is happy behind our smiles. We all know otherwise. And for the first time I realized that I am safe with these women. I don't have to always have a smile on my face, or reply "good" when someone asks me how I am. I can take off my smile for a couple of hours a week and feel safe that no matter how I feel, I will be supported and loved.

Not everyone is given the amazing gift that I am just now realizing I have received. So the next time you put a smile on your face, I hope it is because you are truly happy, not masking your pain.

Finding the Right Feeling

C.R. was this evening, and I almost didn't go because I was exhausted from being in constant meetings from 8-4, then a volunteer post from 4-6:30. Why in the world would I want to go to C.R. from 6:30-8:30?! But choosing growth over laziness, I went.

The abuse group that normally breaks off from the large group was missing its leader today, so I stayed in the big group and wasn't used to their routine. I ended up not being able to share because of this, so I'm going to do so here. What was rattling around in my head as others were speaking is how difficult last week was for me, and the thoughts that fueled my depression and destructive behaviors.

Last week I was stuck in a rut of self-hatred. I despised myself for being an (unwilling) participant in my own abuse. Thinking of the fact that I was still carrying around the body that was abused made me want to crawl out of my own skin. I have never felt so uncomfortable with me. So with these thoughts fueling my actions, I made the concious decision to punish my body. I felt as though I deserved this treatment. I cut to scar my body. I cut to release emotions I had no valve for. I have no words or outlet for them yet. I cut to make myself feel better; to alleviate those feelings of hatred. Cutting is such an enigma for me. I do it as a punishment, for being weak and "allowing" myself to be abused... but at the same time, the feeling I get from doing it is strength. I look at the cuts and think, "Wow. I was able to endure that. I am strong."

So tonight our main question was to think about choices that are negatively affecting you (or others). This question brought me to thinking about my bad week. I started thinking about the things I was telling myself that pushed me to the point that I chose to cut. As I am in better place this week, the things I was telling myself sting a little less, but I can see them for what they really are. While I wouldn't say necessarily they are "choices", they are this: They are REAL feelings and REAL emotions that are being masked/diverted/portrayed as something else. I have a feeling, my self-hatred is soon going to turn into anger. And I have a feeling it won't be anger for anything I have ever done, but rather what was done to me.

God's Grace

Last Thursday I was at Tar.get, doing my grocery shopping after working out at the gym. I was sweaty and definitely had better looking days, but for grocery shopping, who cares?! I had just finished packing up my car with my groceries and was driving home when, for the first time in a long time, I heard God speak to me. I had been struggling with going back to C.R. since I had first gone a month ago. While sitting at a red light, all of a sudden my burden was lifted. I could feel Him giving me the strength I needed to go. And all of a sudden, I HAD to go. It starts at 6:30, and it was 6:25. I raced home to unpack my groceries, I didn't even take the time to change out of my workout clothes because I didn't want to be later than I had to be. I had an amazing experience and got a glimpse of something I think God has been trying to show me for a while... My strength is through Him.

Today's topic in large group was God's grace. It is through his grace that we are able to define and admit to our weaknesses, because only then are we truly strong. This is such a struggle for me. Admitting I have weaknesses and need help with those is something that does not come easy for me, but to think that admitting them to God makes me strong makes it so much easier to do. After reciting the serenity prayer, the leaders began to give out celebration chips, which is something that is done at the beginning of every month. It can be to celebrate the decision to recover, 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, 1 year of recovery/sobriety etc. I took my first chip today. The chip that one gets when starting their recovery, and ironically enough here is what it has on it:

"My grace is enough for you."

One More Time

I am sitting in my office now, listening to music and reflecting on the past 3 hrs.

I went to a different C.R. meeting today. This one is in my town, something I hadn't planned on doing since I have a very visible job where I live and was afraid of possibly seeing someone I knew.

During large group, there was worship then a testimony of a woman from a C.R. group in the town next to mine. Wow. So many things in her life connected with how I feel about my life, and even personal experiences we shared, however far apart. I can't imagine how hard it was for her to sit up there and tell her story. I have to admit I got choked up at a few times... you can just feel the pain she went through. It's very sobering, and I definitely started telling myself that I was a fool for being so lost and traumatized by something that wasn't nearly as bad as her life was.

After her testimony, the "welcoming crew" took me, another woman and a man to a room where we watched a personalized C.R. video they made, as opposed to the general one that I saw on Monday. I think they did a much better job of showing what C.R. had done for them and what it continues to do. After that, the guys left and the female leader stayed with me and the other woman to answer questions and talk. I asked a few questions that had been on my mind, then asked to speak to her alone. I still did not feel ready to disclose my personal struggle and reason for being there, but was able to ask more "intimate" questions when we were alone. She sat and talked to me for a long time, and I finally got the courage to ask her about how my current struggles with God would affect my participation in C.R.. She was very gracious and referred back to our speaker... every person is at a different place in their life with their relationship with God, and no matter where they are, they are always welcome.

And I really feel that. So many people introduced themselves to me, asked if I wanted to sit with them, and thanked me for coming. Not only that, they really seem like they are all friends. This group seems different. I was given the strength to go today, I hope He gives me the strength to go again.

As I end this post now, my music has just begun on "Jes.us Take the Wh.eel". I think He heard me.

A Big Step

I am definitely getting an A on my homework this week. I was supposed to take risks this week, and there's no denying I did that.

About 5 months ago, the prospect of C.R. was brought up to me in session to which I immediately freaked out and shot down. Time passed, changes were made and it was reintroduced. I was still extremely hesitant but my "Hell No-o-meter" was not buzzing at full blast anymore. I mulled over it and had all but decided to at least try it, and give myself the option to do nothing after that if I didn't feel comfortable.

I went tonight.

I got there about 10 minutes before, sat in the parking lot and scoped out the people walking in. Most of them were male which made me extremely uneasy. I had all but decided to leave, drove to the exit then decided that I was being a baby. I cranked it in reverse, parked and walked in. The large group setting was in the church. There were a few worship songs, then a "lesson" followed by celebrations. A couple of the female leaders (M and C) introduced themselves to me (I guess they knew I was new) and asked if I was going to stay for orientation while the others split up into small groups. In order to get an idea of what everything entailed, I agreed. I was the only newbie this time, so M took me to a separate room and we talked. We talked about what brought her there, why I was there and what C.R. entailed. It is a Christian based program which would probably be good for me if I had my "spiritual ducks" in a row, but I am in such a bad place right now. Everything is based on your solid belief that God is there for you and loves you and I can honestly say I don't feel that way now. I was honest with her in the fact that I was having a lot of spiritual struggles that I was also working on in therapy and I wasn't sure if I could do what was "required" in order to be successful in this group. In addition to that, she said that everyone is expected to share after their first visit, to which I immediately raised red flags to. A always told me that if I went, speaking was only expected when you were ready. I am ready to listen and take in others' experiences, but I still don't feel ready to talk about my own.

I was feeling extremely overwhelmed with the information I was given, but yet so at peace talking to her. Part of me was screaming to leave and the other part knew that if I just had the strength to, I could trust her. Before we walked out of that room, she asked me if there was anything she could pray about for me. I told her about the situation with my mom and our talk, and then she took my hand and prayed for me.

I am afraid to go back. I just don't know if I am ready for this.