Good Luck With That

I know myself well enough to know when my body is telling me to pay attention to something my mind is ignoring. I get tense. I get anxious.

My body is screaming at me. I logged on tonight in search of relief but I feel as though the opposite is about to happen. I'm holding my breath. That only happens when I'm reaching the brink of a panic attack. It's like I'm afraid to move, lest breathing throw me over the edge.

I'm not good enough. I'm just not. Why did I ever think I would be good enough? Like if I worked hard enough it would erase who I had become? Yeah right. I'm always going to be just as messed up in the future as I was/am... pick your tense. Past? Present? FOREVER.

I laugh at myself. Silly, stupid girl. You think you can do this? You are but a child yourself. You still view yourself as a 13 year old. You still seek approval in the most pathetic of ways. You still carry the black mark of abuse. You struggle with depression. You struggle with intrusive thoughts. You struggle with self-harm.

And you want to be someone's mother?

Yeah. Good luck with that.

Compelled To Write

It has been a while since I've felt compelled to write.

I have been living a "normal" life for the past couple years. I have actually enjoyed waking up every day. My job, my friends, my family, my entire life. College was the last time I've felt this weightless feeling and even that wasn't true freedom. It was just freedom shrouded by denial. This is probably the first time in the last 15 years that I have had moments of real happiness. It has been amazing. Something I thought just a few short years ago wouldn't be possible. 

Writing here (or anywhere really) has always been a really healthy way for me to organize my thoughts and regain control in situations where I felt little to none. It has been a long time since I've felt the need to do this, but it's calling me tonight.

In my path to "normalcy" over the past few years, I've mimicked what I think to be normal behavior; namely dating. While much of it has been faking it til I make it, there has been one guy that seems different.

We met last year and went out a few times but fell into more of a friendship. We started things back up this last winter but things fizzled out again. I was really disappointed when he kept cancelling our plans then made no effort to reschedule them so I just assumed that meant he wasn't interested. We still talked quite a bit but I struggled with accepting what I thought to be the truth... that he just wanted to be friends. But I never asked him. Why? Part of me thought I knew the answer and part of me didn't want to hear what I thought he'd say. So we just kept doing what we were doing, casually talking via text and Facebook as friends. 

Imagine my surprise when he sends me flowers this week and asks when he can see me.

Ummm, I'm sorry, what? 

I was completely thrown off guard and to be honest, I was pissed.

SERIOUSLY? NOW? I have been off of work for 3 months (summer break) with absolutely all the time in the world and you pick now, the busiest and most stressful time to spring this on me? 

Dating is not an easy thing for me. It takes a LOT of energy out of me and requires a lot of mental preparation. It is not something I can just up and do on a whim. ESPECIALLY when I have no clue it's coming. I spent most of my summer coming to terms with the fact that I was going to need to move on from him and eventually try again. 

And then he blindsides me like this? WTF man?!

He's probably thinking he's doing this sweet thing by sending me flowers at work, but to be honest it sent me into a tailspin. I felt all this pressure I had never felt before, even when we were going out. Then it was still me trying to figure out if/how much he was interested. This obviously meant he was and that scared the shit out of me.

I suck at communication period, but it also wasn't the time to unload this baggage on him so I was my normal sweet self and thanked him for the flowers and we decided on this morning to meet for brunch. 

I was TERRIFIED. Which in my bouts of lucidity and normalcy I found utterly ridiculous because had I been the one to pursue setting up plans with him and him agreeing to them I would have been excited. But instead, the tables were turned and I was not prepared. Me not being prepared = terror every single time. Especially with dating. 

We had brunch this morning and I tried my damnedest to enjoy it. If I was not in this terror/pissed mindset I would have 100% enjoyed it. He's so easy to talk to, has a great personality, makes me laugh and is pretty much 100% my type. I tried to push out any negative feelings and just be in the present moment. Most of the time I was able to do that pretty well, but I could feel myself getting annoyed a bit (hopefully it didn't show) and just wanting to get out of there. Not because I wasn't interested in spending time with him, but because I had met my threshold for being out of my comfort zone and I needed to decompress and have some time with my thoughts.

What do I want? How much am I ready for? How much and/or what do I tell him right now to get to a point where I can take a leap of faith? 

I have all this swirling around in my head and I don't have any answers. My inner voice is telling me I need to let him know that I was completely blind sided by this because I thought he wasn't interested and that I'm just trying to understand where he's coming from. Why now? What changed? I feel like he also needs to know more about me and my fear of relationships but that is such a huge door to open and the poor guy does not need to be avalanched with all my baggage. I need to figure out the right way to let him know to tread lightly. That I need to be handled with kid gloves... but I suck at speaking up for myself so I'm stalling. I'm great at that. 

Balance

Geez, these last few months have been an absolute blur. I have been so busy with work and this new thing called "balance" in my life. Previous to my meltdown in January, I worked and stayed home. That was my life. Now that I have found stability with my depression and moods, and actually want to go out, I'm much more busy than I am used to!

Most days I make myself leave work no later than 5, work out 2 or 3 times a week, and have dinner with at least one friend during the week. On the weekends I am trying to make sure that I have one thing planned ahead of time to do for myself, whether it's going shopping for a new pair of shoes, movies with a friend or just an hour to lay out by the pool.

It's crazy. I never thought that I could be happy being so busy. I was always terrified of not having time to be at home, by myself, to sleep all day, or to cut. But I'm finding that as I'm making more of an effort to surround myself with people who I truly trust and WANT to be around, I am okay with giving up "my" time for "us" time.

It's a baby steps process though. I still give myself permission to hole up at least one night a week so I can have my alone time. I still feel the most comfortable when I am alone, but as I'm building stronger relationships that is slowly changing. Some weekends I still find myself wanting to sleep all day Saturday (because I can!) and not make the effort to connect with anyone. That is still a struggle. The little voice in my head keeps telling me I deserve my time, but it's a fine line I have to keep my eye on to make sure it doesn't turn back into socially withdrawing and feeding the depression.

I've felt very disconnected from the abused side of me since I left IOP a month ago and returned back to normal life. At first it was so frustrating to me because that has been my only side since 2008 and I felt like I didn't even know who I was. I hated it. I felt so uncomfortable without that weight inside of me that I have grown so accustomed to. After a while I found that I actually was able to enjoy things that I hadn't in such a long time. I felt light, clear-minded and happy. For the first time in YEARS, I did something for someone else. I actually thought of someone else first and wanted to do something for them... and not only that, I was excited to do that! Before I was so buried in my own pain I rarely even noticed what was going on with other people, let alone think about their pain and how it might be affecting them.

But in the back of my mind, I see this guillotine raised above me, just waiting for something to come swooping in, cut the rope and send the blade back down on my life. I don't ever want to be thrown back into the depths of darkness like I was when this first happened in 2008, and again this last January. I don't want to put myself in a position where I don't see it coming, or can't act in time to keep myself safe.

I went out on a date last night for the first time in almost 2 years... and I actually enjoyed myself. I wasn't in my head, freaking myself out about the what if's and trying to predict the future. I was just there, in the moment and it was great! I had such a blast and really liked hanging out with this guy.

The ride home, however, was not great. The smile on my face faded after about 5 minutes and my weight suddenly reappeared. I honestly don't remember driving home after that. I remember focusing on trying to keep the memories and old habits, thoughts, feelings from taking me over. I know I had a panic attack. But the 20 minute ride home is a black hole... and I got home and had to put just about every strategy I learned from IOP into play just to keep myself afloat. After about an hour I was able to pull myself out of it and calm down enough to go to bed.

I'm feeling better this morning, but am more afraid of life today. I feel the guillotine blade on the back of my neck and I'm afraid to move. But I'm not going to let this discourage me. My life is new now, and I've got to re-learn how to live with my scars.

Staying Above Water

Man alive, I have been so busy. Like barely keeping my head above water feel like I am drowning busy. Yay work. I am just now getting home after a 15 hour day. This is why I haven't been posting. I haven't even sat at my computer at home for at least a week.

Things are going better though. My peace is slowly creeping back in and I'm finding that I am happy again. I'm a little worried because I'm finding it harder and harder to want to keep going to see A when I feel so stable, but I know it is in my best interest to keep going and keep pushing myself.

I feel like something big is coming. Like God is preparing my heart for something. Just a feeling. Can't really describe it.

I promise I'll write more when things settle down.

Marriage

Sometimes I wonder about my future. Well, not sometimes... a lot, actually. I am only in my mid-20's, but I hear the constant tick-tick-tick of my biological clock. There is nothing I want more in the world than to be a mom. But the realization of the work I am going to have to do in order to get there is comparable to a climb of Mt. Everest at times.

I often wonder if I am meant to be married. There are days that it seems so clear and the most natural thing in the world. Of course I'll be married! I'll be happy! It'll be everything I always thought it would be! But the majority of my days are filled with doubt. Am I the type of person who can be in a successful marriage? Is that what I want? What's to keep me from running away once I get what I want? How can someone spend every day with someone else, seemingly for the rest of their lives?

It just floors me that it is possible. I've seen it, my dad's parents (50+ years) and my dad's brother (35+ years), but everyone else in my family has been married multiple times, with at least one very nasty marriage (abuse or neglect). Why should I expect anything less? Given everything that has happened in my life, how in the world am I going to be successful?

It floors me that you can be around someone every day and not be driven absolutely mad by them. I love my alone time. It keeps me sane. The idea of having someone there all the time is kind of a deterrent for me. I don't think that's how it's supposed to be.

But then again, I haven't found anyone who I WANT to spend time with, so of course that changes my outlook on things. Right now I'm trying to put these past guys in the place of the right guy, and it is making me hate the idea of marriage. I don't want them... I want someone who fits in that place. Who makes me want to spend time with them. Who makes me want to commit myself to forever.

I just wonder if I'll ever find that person.

Today I'm Thankful

No doubt this week has been rough. I got home from my additional session Thursday and slept. Slept for about 4 hours. I was exhausted. When I awoke, I was surprised to have an e-mail waiting for me from A. She was worried about how I was doing after leaving her office that afternoon. I can't tell you just how much that gesture touched me and helped lessen some of my pain. I replied with how I was doing and we exchanged a few more e-mails before the night was over. I told her about having the recurrence of some suicidal thoughts, which have not been a problem in quite a while. The aggressiveness of their return was scary. I have been very low this week.

Even through all of that, I was so looking forward to this weekend.

When my parents were married, they lived on a cul-de-sac in a "Pleasantville" suburb. There were 5 houses, 5 families and we were all very close. For about 10 years, we did almost everything together. One of the girls next door was born only 10 hours after me. We were BFF since birth. The older girls were my babysitters. The older boys taught us how to get in trouble, LOL. The other parents were like my own. I would come and go to and from their houses as I pleased, not even knocking to come in or having to ask for permission. I lived in their pools during the summer. We had cookouts, birthday parties, Christmases, etc. together. I have such good memories of that time of my life. I pray that I am able to find that in my life later so that my kids can feel that wonderful sense of love I felt growing up on that street.

Kids got older, moved out. One of the boys next door was murdered on his way home from the high school football game. We were all devastated. Things changed. My parents got divorced, we moved out. People went their separate ways. We stayed in contact, but as life gets busy you forget and don't try as hard. The last time I saw everyone was when I was 13. One of the girls (my babysitter) got married then and we went to her wedding. I'd see them every now and then in passing at the country club, but aside from that I hadn't seen or talked to anyone since that age.

Fast forward to the Facebook era and I was able to re-establish contact with everyone except for one family. I am the planner of things. Nothing makes me happier than to reconnect with old friends. So today I got everyone together for the first time in almost 13 years. It felt as though it had been 13 minutes. Nothing had changed. We sat and talked and laughed for hours. My babysitter now has 5 kids, and she brought 2 of them with her. Her older brother (the one who taught me the most about getting in trouble!) has one child, who is 13. She was there too and loved hearing all the stories we all shared. Their mother is still the matriarch I remember. Always making sure everyone is OK and happy, with that dry sense of humor. Their father is still the most handsome, loving husband and father he always was. My namesake is just as fun as I remember. She has got the most contagious laugh. Her oldest daughter (my old BFF) is as gorgeous as she always was, and just as fun as her mother. If they didn't live so far away I would definitely be hanging out with her often! The two youngest girls (BFF's sister and my sister) could not come but they both promised to come next time. And there will be a next time.

Today I am thankful for my past. I am thankful that God gave me these wonderful people. It has been so long that I have forgotten what an impact they all had on my childhood. I felt loved today.

God's Grace

Last Thursday I was at Tar.get, doing my grocery shopping after working out at the gym. I was sweaty and definitely had better looking days, but for grocery shopping, who cares?! I had just finished packing up my car with my groceries and was driving home when, for the first time in a long time, I heard God speak to me. I had been struggling with going back to C.R. since I had first gone a month ago. While sitting at a red light, all of a sudden my burden was lifted. I could feel Him giving me the strength I needed to go. And all of a sudden, I HAD to go. It starts at 6:30, and it was 6:25. I raced home to unpack my groceries, I didn't even take the time to change out of my workout clothes because I didn't want to be later than I had to be. I had an amazing experience and got a glimpse of something I think God has been trying to show me for a while... My strength is through Him.

Today's topic in large group was God's grace. It is through his grace that we are able to define and admit to our weaknesses, because only then are we truly strong. This is such a struggle for me. Admitting I have weaknesses and need help with those is something that does not come easy for me, but to think that admitting them to God makes me strong makes it so much easier to do. After reciting the serenity prayer, the leaders began to give out celebration chips, which is something that is done at the beginning of every month. It can be to celebrate the decision to recover, 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, 1 year of recovery/sobriety etc. I took my first chip today. The chip that one gets when starting their recovery, and ironically enough here is what it has on it:

"My grace is enough for you."

Did I even breathe today?

1. Woke up at 9:30
2. Started laundry
3. 10:45 appt to drop off (new) car to get front 2 windows tinted
4. Picked up by D and taken to chiro
5. Got adjusted
6. Back to pick up (new) car, finished windows in 30 mins
7. Drop off D's car, drive to lunch
8. Order and eat lunch
9. Notice weird pain in neck
10. Go to Tar.get to pick up travel size items
11. Kill time, visit pet store
12. Buy cute cotton dress at Ro.ss for $12.99 (WOO!)
13. Run to Ho.me De.pot to visit D's husband who was sent to pick something up
14. Start feeling stabbing pain in neck
15. Call from inspection company, ready to inspect (old) car
16. Meet inspector, get (old) car inspected
17. Drive 30 mins to turn in (old) car to dealership
18. Fill out paperwork, turn over keys
19. Call chiro, wonder if adjustment messed with my neck
20. Race back to chiro and get there 5 mins before close
21. Adjusted again, no reason for neck spasms and pain
22. Drop off D at my apartment to pick up her car
23. Run to Kinko's to fax lease termination to new dealership
24. Pick up dinner from grocery store
25. Get to apartment just as tornado sirens go off (SERIOUSLY?!)
26. Take cover in bathroom with 2 cats, flashlight and cell phone
27. Emerge 30 mins later, eat dinner
28. Oh crap, laundry? Fold and wash
29. Shooting pains in neck/jaw still, web check-in to CareNow
30. Called into office, seen by doctor
31. Diagnosed with acute lymph.adentitis, given antibiotics and pain meds
32. Fill prescr.iptions, spend 3x longer there than at the doctor
33. Home at 10PM, shower
34. Phone with friend, pack, charge electronics
35. Blog about my crazy day.

Oh right... *breathe*

Hello, NY.C! I'll be back Monday night.

A Quiet Minute

My life has been a constant flurry of activity these past few weeks. Only now am I able to sit down with no distractions and write about things going on in my life right now.

Work: I am amazing. Got some results back that put me at the top of my co-workers in the same category. Woo!!

Summer Plans: This will be the first summer in 3 years that I will not be in Pa.ris. I am bummed :( My college buddy and I are going to NY.C from June 11-15. Family reunion in Colo.rado from June 18-23. Annual summer trip to Ca.li to visit my dad; sometime in July. Road trip to Hou.ston to see the girls I graduated the education program with; sometime in July.

Health: MRI last week gave the severity of my bul.ging disc, still within the treatable range for chiropractic care. Started anti-inflam.matories this week and am seeing some relief. Hopefully allowing those muscles around my spine time to relax will help with my healing. Not sure what I'm going to do if this doesn't work.

Family: It's almost been a month since my cousin died. Thinking about her makes me mad at the world for not making sense.

Counseling: I've so overloaded lately that my normal introspective nature has taken a holiday. I have not been thinking about or looking into things that I really should be. That being said, my homework for this last week was to identify a thought every day that fit into a list of beliefs I have (however untrue or unrealistic) and while I didn't come up with one every single day, the few that I did were loaded with history. One, involving my last relationship (using the term loosely), is something I have never talked about in depth with anyone. To say I felt anxious about discussing anything doing with intimacy would be an understatement. I'm not even sure if I took a breath the whole time. Even though I felt safe and trusted that I was going to be supported, it was a definite leap out of my comfort zone.

I have writer's block. My mind is thinking a million things but nothing complete enough to form sentences or even make sense. UGH. I hate processing through so much stuff.

Blur

Man alive, these last two weeks have been a blur. I don't even remember what I did last week to tell you the truth.

My best friend and her baby stayed with me this week. They were supposed to stay Monday and Tuesday night, but because of some selfish acts on the part of her husband they were forced to stay another unscheduled night. I loved having her and the baby, but her mom and husband were a little much to deal with in my little one bedroom apartment. Wednesday I had an MR.I to find out the severity of the problems with my back, since treatment wasn't giving me the progress that is normally seen in the time I have been going. Thankfully I do not have a bulging disc past 5mm in progression according to the scans, but apparently mine is pressed up against the nerves in my back and is resistant to improve.

I am at the point where I am almost disgusted with myself. My weight continues to climb and my motivation continues to drop. I haven't been working out at an intensity that will really help me lose weight because it almost always causes me to slide backwards in progress with my back. I have been allowing myself to mindlessly eat, with no regards to the reason except boredom. I am sad, and I hate myself for letting it get this bad. I've gained 15 lbs in the last 18 months. Ughhhh. Thankfully my clothes still fit nicely, but I have got to get this under control.

Too many good season finales on tonight to spend more time on here... hopefully I can catch up on blog reading this weekend!

Uncertainty

A good portion of my adult life has brought me face to face with extremely uncertain times.

I was 17 and just started my freshman year of college when Sept. 11th occured. I remember sitting in the lobby of my dorm with about 100 other students watching everything unfold on TV wondering if the United States was about to go "up in flames". Never had I experienced a feeling like that. Never again do I want to feel that way. I cry anytime I see footage of that day.

I was at home on a Saturday morning in February 2003. I turned on my TV when I woke up and the news was on and they were showing what looked like a flaming streak in the sky. Apparently I had turned on the TV in a lull in dialogue because it took what seemed like eternity for them to reiterate that what I was seeing was the space shuttle, Columbia. I thought it was a nuclear missile... not that I knew what that would look like, but I definitely thought it was something bad.

I was 19 when we "declared war", and I remember thinking "What does being at war mean? Are there going to be more attacks? Should I expect combat on my home soil? Am I safe?" All I had to reference was what I read in my history books about WWII and the Vietnam war. I had no idea what "being at war" meant.

My first half of my 20's were pretty stable in the grand scheme of things. Nothing as mind altering as the aforementioned, but then again I was away at college and I lived in my own world. *sheepish grin*

The first 2+ years of "real life" has been wonderful! I have a wonderful job; fulfilling, pays well, great job security. Then the Dow started slipping and I could see/hear the worry in my dad's face. A lot of my family's money is in the stock market. On a good day last year (while still in the 10000+ range) the Dow lost 100 pts and my dad said that that loss equated to about $100K lost for the family. Umm, wow. I didn't need to know that. I made the mistake of looking at my quarterly report for my 403b in December and found out that I lost over 1/3 of my contributions.

At 25, I am now experiencing the effects of a recession. It's extremely frightening for me to see how quickly everything seems to be falling apart. I've lived almost all of my life (as an aware member of society) in pretty prevalent economic times, so seeing the opposite of this is causing me to ask a lot of questions again. Is my job safe? Will my family be OK? Are we headed for another "Great Depression"??

Uncertain times bring up a lot of questions for me. Unfortunately most of them cannot be answered!