Lonely

Really working to acknowledge my feelings lately. So often my first instinct is to bury them because the actual feeling of them is so uncomfortable but it's becoming more apparent to me that therein lies a lot of my inability to understand the weight I'm carrying around right now as a result of the accidents.

So at this very moment I am feeling very lonely. It doesn't happen often but when it does, it is strong. I'm to a point now where almost all of my friends are married with kids and the ones that aren't are more surface friends than actual let's go out and do things together friends. I loooooove my best and closest friends and their families so much. I am SO happy when I am around them. I have uncountable and priceless memories with each and every one. But it's hard to be the third/fifth/seventh wheel. I sometimes think to myself "This is so pathetic... find your own life and family. Stop encroaching on theirs!" I know that's the insecure part of me but it is still hard to dismiss all of it when it seems like there is so much truth to my random placement within their lives.

It's also hard when you are alone because your best and closest friends are families. They have their own lives that are so complex with jobs, schedules, kids activities and family responsibilities. Those take up a vast majority of their time. I am lucky enough to share it often but there are times where the busyness of their lives all overlap and it leaves me alone; sometimes for weeks at a time. I'm in one of those stretches right now and it's so defeating to feel like you aren't needed or wanted. I obviously know that's not true but when everyone is off doing their own thing and you are sitting back watching it all unfold on Facebook and Instagram, it hurts. Like the kind of pain felt in 3rd grade when your best friend goes and plays with someone else and leaves you out.

These stretches always make me question how I'm living my life. Am I living it the way that's going to make me happy 5 years from now? 10 years from now? What am I going to do if these friends move away? Would I be OK with being alone more than I am now?

These stretches always make me reconsider dating. How awesome would it be to be married to your best friend? You'd never be alone! Not like never be physically alone because, OH MY GOD I WOULD GO INSANE, but figuratively never alone. What solace can be gained by knowing you have someone who chooses to be with you. I can't say I've ever had that so the thought of it is so appealing during these times.

But as much as my heart thinks it needs that to fill this hole that opens up every now and then, my brain thinks otherwise. There is no man that exists that can deal with my fears and baggage, especially now that I'm 31. I had the chance when I was 23 with B, but I blew it. I had no clue what I was doing and just flat out ruined our relationship. I was so waist deep in my own mess of a life that I couldn't have possibly done anything different and that kills me because I think about the what-ifs all the time. So my brain has just accepted that my window has closed. And to be honest, I am OK with that.

Most of the time.

But these stretches of time that leave me questioning my choices in life make me crazy. They make me hope for something that is never going to happen. They make me yearn for something I can't have. And that makes the loneliness so much greater.

8 Feet and 2 Tails of Joy

So as most of you know, I lost my sweet 20 year old cat this summer and it hit me hard. I never knew just how much I loved her until she was gone.

The silence was horrible. I hated walking into my empty house. I would lie in bed as long as I could because getting up would remind me that she wasn't going to be sitting by her food bowl waiting for breakfast. My heart ached for her companionship.

I gave myself a couple of weeks to mourn her and make sure that I wasn't rushing into the decision of adopting just because I wanted it to be like it was before, but rather for the right reasons.

I adopted two beautiful babies at the end of June and they have been a source of such joy in my life! They make me laugh on a daily basis and have nestled themselves permanently into my heart, all the while helping to heal the rawness of the hole left.

The Backwards Truth

Amazing video shown at church last week. Just when you think it is the wrong video, things turn around. Literally.

I hope it speaks to you the way it spoke to me.

Marriage

Sometimes I wonder about my future. Well, not sometimes... a lot, actually. I am only in my mid-20's, but I hear the constant tick-tick-tick of my biological clock. There is nothing I want more in the world than to be a mom. But the realization of the work I am going to have to do in order to get there is comparable to a climb of Mt. Everest at times.

I often wonder if I am meant to be married. There are days that it seems so clear and the most natural thing in the world. Of course I'll be married! I'll be happy! It'll be everything I always thought it would be! But the majority of my days are filled with doubt. Am I the type of person who can be in a successful marriage? Is that what I want? What's to keep me from running away once I get what I want? How can someone spend every day with someone else, seemingly for the rest of their lives?

It just floors me that it is possible. I've seen it, my dad's parents (50+ years) and my dad's brother (35+ years), but everyone else in my family has been married multiple times, with at least one very nasty marriage (abuse or neglect). Why should I expect anything less? Given everything that has happened in my life, how in the world am I going to be successful?

It floors me that you can be around someone every day and not be driven absolutely mad by them. I love my alone time. It keeps me sane. The idea of having someone there all the time is kind of a deterrent for me. I don't think that's how it's supposed to be.

But then again, I haven't found anyone who I WANT to spend time with, so of course that changes my outlook on things. Right now I'm trying to put these past guys in the place of the right guy, and it is making me hate the idea of marriage. I don't want them... I want someone who fits in that place. Who makes me want to spend time with them. Who makes me want to commit myself to forever.

I just wonder if I'll ever find that person.

Today I'm Thankful

No doubt this week has been rough. I got home from my additional session Thursday and slept. Slept for about 4 hours. I was exhausted. When I awoke, I was surprised to have an e-mail waiting for me from A. She was worried about how I was doing after leaving her office that afternoon. I can't tell you just how much that gesture touched me and helped lessen some of my pain. I replied with how I was doing and we exchanged a few more e-mails before the night was over. I told her about having the recurrence of some suicidal thoughts, which have not been a problem in quite a while. The aggressiveness of their return was scary. I have been very low this week.

Even through all of that, I was so looking forward to this weekend.

When my parents were married, they lived on a cul-de-sac in a "Pleasantville" suburb. There were 5 houses, 5 families and we were all very close. For about 10 years, we did almost everything together. One of the girls next door was born only 10 hours after me. We were BFF since birth. The older girls were my babysitters. The older boys taught us how to get in trouble, LOL. The other parents were like my own. I would come and go to and from their houses as I pleased, not even knocking to come in or having to ask for permission. I lived in their pools during the summer. We had cookouts, birthday parties, Christmases, etc. together. I have such good memories of that time of my life. I pray that I am able to find that in my life later so that my kids can feel that wonderful sense of love I felt growing up on that street.

Kids got older, moved out. One of the boys next door was murdered on his way home from the high school football game. We were all devastated. Things changed. My parents got divorced, we moved out. People went their separate ways. We stayed in contact, but as life gets busy you forget and don't try as hard. The last time I saw everyone was when I was 13. One of the girls (my babysitter) got married then and we went to her wedding. I'd see them every now and then in passing at the country club, but aside from that I hadn't seen or talked to anyone since that age.

Fast forward to the Facebook era and I was able to re-establish contact with everyone except for one family. I am the planner of things. Nothing makes me happier than to reconnect with old friends. So today I got everyone together for the first time in almost 13 years. It felt as though it had been 13 minutes. Nothing had changed. We sat and talked and laughed for hours. My babysitter now has 5 kids, and she brought 2 of them with her. Her older brother (the one who taught me the most about getting in trouble!) has one child, who is 13. She was there too and loved hearing all the stories we all shared. Their mother is still the matriarch I remember. Always making sure everyone is OK and happy, with that dry sense of humor. Their father is still the most handsome, loving husband and father he always was. My namesake is just as fun as I remember. She has got the most contagious laugh. Her oldest daughter (my old BFF) is as gorgeous as she always was, and just as fun as her mother. If they didn't live so far away I would definitely be hanging out with her often! The two youngest girls (BFF's sister and my sister) could not come but they both promised to come next time. And there will be a next time.

Today I am thankful for my past. I am thankful that God gave me these wonderful people. It has been so long that I have forgotten what an impact they all had on my childhood. I felt loved today.

Missing Them

This has been a very hard week already, and it's only Tuesday. Saturday will be one year since my grandpa died. I miss him so much. It is also almost 6 months since T's death. I just received some new pictures so I could take one to work. Too much grief this week.

Look Who's Here!

D's little boy finally arrived :)