Gimme the Drugs!

Got a prescription for Lunesta from my family doc, and finally was able to talk to my pdoc. She's switching me to a different medicine to use in conjunction with the Zoloft that just so happens to have sleep-aid uses. I took Lunesta last night about 7:30, fell asleep at 8 and was up at 10. I about started crying. I decided to take another pill and that seemed to do the trick. I slept from midnight to 9AM! Tonight I'm taking one Lunesta and trying out this new med, too. Hopefully the combination of both will knock me out for the night.

My kitty is sporting a nice war wound. They ended up removing the cyst with local anesthesia and stitched everything back up. They are always amazed how well behaved she is! They said she didn't even move or meow! That's my girl :) I've got to take her back in 2 weeks to get the stitches removed, but aside from that she's good to go! First thing she did when she got home is run straight to the food bowl, which allowed me to get this picture. Second thing she did was start scratching at the stitches so I had to bandage her back up.

If I didn't have enough going on now, my sister is going out of town and I told her I'd watch her puppy. I'm not really sure if that is the right word. She has a 4 month old German Shepherd and she is huge... and not graceful! The next few days will be interesting! My house is not puppy proof and my cat is not appreciating the noise and crazy behavior of this new furry creature. I hope my downstairs neighbor doesn't report me to animal control for housing an elephant in my apartment. I already feel like running down there to apologize. Should be an interesting 5 days! Tomorrow's plan is to go to the dog park! The high tomorrow is 107 (seriously) so we'll have to go in the morning. Should be fun!

What A Week

These last 7 days have been about as up and down as they can go. Birth and joy, then terror and panic, guilt, anxiety, and worry.

Tuck.er is doing remarkably well. His surgery had to be postponed because of concern about complications since his liver is not fully recovered yet, so they are looking to Monday to be his first surgery. He had his first bottle today :) He's such an angel. I can't wait to go back to the hospital and see him.

When all of this blew up Thursday, I was left with a profound feeling of guilt of how I had been viewing my personal situation. I felt horrible for cutting, and feeling so down about things that now did not seem like such a big deal when this little baby's life hung in the balance. It helped me keep my promise that I would not cut that week.

I am having trouble maintaining a balance of things. I am pushing myself further and further into denial and pulling other things in front to try and block entry to my feelings. I am in workaholic mode, doing way more than necessary and not delegating the responsibilities to my counterparts. If I keep on this pace I am going to burn out quickly. I am struggling with my weight. I have my eating under good control and am doing a good job of exercising at an appropriate rate, but due to medication I am not losing weight. In fact I have gained over 15 lbs since I started and cannot seem to drop an ounce no matter what I do. So I've made the decision to start tapering off my medication. The main reason is for the weight... I am falling back on unhealthy habits to try and induce we.ight lo.ss so I can get back to my "normal weight". Another reason is that I think it will help me get more in touch with my emotions. Unfortunately I am taking the risk of my anxiety returning and being a hinderance on my recovery, but that is a chance I am willing to take right now. My panic attacks have been under control, only having two in the last 3 months, and those were induced by very intense sessions. On an unconscious level, I think I already made this decision because I had forgotten (really and truly) to take my meds for about 5 days and was having some massive withdrawals. I couldn't figure out what the deal was, then it hit me. I called my doctor today and asked for a schedule to follow so I could taper off.

This week I have got to work on being more balanced. Normally on Wednesday's I work late, then go workout, come home and have time to eat, shower and go to bed. But because my schedule this week is a little more hectic than normal, I gave myself permission to just go home and veg today. It was nice. I'm about to go journal a little bit and dig into some things that we discussed at my last session. Why do I think it's wrong for me to feel the way I feel? Why do I minimize how I feel? That's my focus for this week... being OK with my feelings.

Night Owl

So I've quickly reverted to my internal time, which is very much the night owl. I spend most of my off time up until 3 or 4AM, and sleeping in spurts throughout the day. I am in the way wrong field for my internal clock. Getting up early is a bitch!

2 days of my week off have already blown by. I hate that. I spent them visiting my best friend (who is just weeks away from delivery). I can't help but just stare at her when I am there with her. I have never been privy to so much of the pregnancy stuff than I have been with her. I cannot wait to meet her little boy. I'm hoping I can get down there in enough time to "see" the birth. The anticipation is killing me!

I drove back a little earlier than I planned to today so I could stop by a huge furniture warehouse in town that is only open on the weekends. They were advertising mattresses and I have been needing one for a while. My massage sessions have done wonders on my shoulders, but my hips and back are increasingly painful because of my old mattress... so I figured I'd use my tax return for this purpose. I got an awesome deal on a queen pillowtop mattress and box spring for less than $1000 including delivery. Only problem is they can't deliver until next weekend, and my cousin will be in town from Friday PM- Monday and I am not going to wait around for a delivery when she's only here for a short time. So now I'll have to wait 2 weeks.

Tomorrow I've got an appointment at my OBGYN for my 2nd Gar.dasil shot and a medication follow-up. I'm hoping she'll agree to write me the script for the Lexa.pro so I won't have to go back to a psychiatrist. We'll see! I'm planning on trying out a new spa/salon near my apartment after that. I need to touch up the highlights in my hair big time. I'm sure I'll make time for a nap as well, in addition to some grocery shopping. I hope that the week goes by a lot slower than the weekend! I need all the relaxation I can get!!!

Emotional

It's been an up and down week, like every week is when I'm on my period. I was hoping the Lex.apro was going to help with the mood swings but so far it hasn't. It's been almost 3 weeks so I'm thinking that it just hasn't been long enough. I have noticed a decrease in my anxiety, which has been nice. I had a panic attack Tuesday night, but that was because of the weather. I was at home putting grades in my online gradebook watching the Westminster Dog Show when the tornado sirens went off. I knew it was raining and windy but I had no clue the weather was that bad. So I scrambled to find my flashlight, grabbed my cat and a bunch of pillows and we spent the next 15 minutes in the bathtub until the sirens went off. Normally this type of weather doesn't start until April!

My session on Tuesday was good. I wanted to talk to her about what happened with the psychiatrist but it was harder for me to do so than I thought it would be. I shared something I wrote about how I feel that my abuse always gets minimized (even by me) and that I feel the complete opposite but act like it's no big deal. We ended up taking most of the time talking about things that related to that as opposed to my homework and other things she may have had in mind. Somewhere towards the end she told me that as much as I don't want to do it, I need to tell her what happened. I've never even told my mom specifics, nor anyone else so the prospect of that sent me straight into tears... and I make it a point never to cry in sessions. She made sure that I understood that I was under no time frame and she was not pressuring me to do anything before I am ready, but that she feels that it is going to be a crucial step in undoing the damage that was done by not being allowed to talk about it.

I am so torn over how I feel about this, aside from petrified. I'm afraid that once I tell her what happened it'll be like, "OK it's out in the open. You don't have it inside of you anymore. Get over it." As stupid as it sounds, I'm afraid to start getting better. I'm afraid to not have this as an excuse for why I'm not in a relationship, or why I have problems with my family. Starting to work through this is the beginning of the end to that and that is scary for me.

Thankfully I have 2 sessions next week, one on Tuesday evening and one Thursday mid-afternoon, which means I'll be taking another half-day off of work. I feel so much better when I see her 2x a week, so I am glad I was able to schedule this. My next bi-weekly will be during my week off and that will probably be the last one until this summer. Ugh, June is so far away.

A Beginning

I finally was able to get in to see my OBGYN today. I was extremely nervous about the conversation that I was going to have to have with her about how out of control my anxiety as been, as well as it being coupled with depression and suicidal ideations. After having multiple panic attacks last week in her office, I was worried about what she was going to think of me, but it just goes to show that I always assume the worst from everyone. She was really easy to talk to today, probably because she already knew so much about my history. She gave me a start-up pack for Eff.exor (after first recommending Lex.apro) but stressed to me that with the complexity of my mood disorders and past that she was going to send me to a psychiatrist. She said once he prescribes/regulates my medication that she will still have me follow-up with her based on his diagnosis/recommendations. I hadn't heard much about Effexor, except from my friend who is a nurse... she said to stay away from Eff.exor at all costs. So after researching it a bit more on Web.MD I read some absolutely awful things about it. I called my aunt (who's a GP) and talked to her about it and she said that I could start Lex.apro again if I felt more comfortable with it. I was on Lexapro a year ago but stopped taking it when I had an emergence of suicidal ideations during the week I was menstruating. That continued to happen so I thought it was caused by the medication, so I stopped taking it. Now it happens all the time, so it definitely was not the medicine. She thinks I wasn't on a high enough dose, so she said to go ahead and start 20 mg Lex.apro instead of the Effe.xor. Thankfully I had a 90 day supply that I never really tapped into, so that'll last me until I go back to follow up in 2 weeks. I just really hope she is not upset that I am choosing not to take the Eff.exor in favor of my own opinion on it, not her recommendation. Again, this is me expecting the worse.

Part of me is at peace with this decision because I know it is a beginning for me. The other part of me is scared that it's not going to work, that I will always suffer the effects of the PT.SD, panic and depression that has taken over my life. There are no guarantees in life, but sometimes a little reassurance goes a long way.

Get it together!

The past two weeks have been exhausting. In the last 10 work days, I have missed 5. My intense cyclical depression has now branched out to include social anxiety. Just the idea of going to work where I have no opportunity to leave or even rest immediately ramps up my anxiety and in the past few weeks has induced a few panic attacks. I took today off so I could take in another session with A, which was really good, but as soon as that was over the looming fear of having to return to work hit. I am trying to change the way I view my anxiety, being more aware of it as a method of understanding the thoughts/emotions that bring on the panic, as opposed to not acknowledging it as anything but a physical reaction. I didn't even want to leave to go to the gym, but knowing how much better exercise makes me feel I did. I got there and found out there was an explosion in the adjoining building, frying all the electricity. Sure hope God wasn't trying to tell me something there.

So I sat at home trying to decide whether or not it was worth it to go into work tomorrow just for the sake of saving one of my days in case I needed it later, or taking care of myself now. I chose the latter. I never put myself first, and I'm going to do that. I have an appointment to see my OBGYN tomorrow to start medication, so hopefully the knowledge that help is on the way will be enough to get me back to work on Monday. My hope was to be able to go to sessions 2x/week in February, but that was going to require me to take a half-day every Thursday. I was totally willing to do this, but it turns out her latest time on Thursdays is at 12:30 (and I am eligible to leave at 12 on half-days) but every Thursday was booked at that time except one. So that leaves me with the option of 10:30, having to come back to work the same day (not a good idea), or 11:30, if I can convince my boss to let me skip lunch. Given what happened last week (leaving at 11:30 and being docked a full-day) I'm thinking that I shouldn't get my hopes up. *sigh* I wish she worked more than just 1 1/2 days a week, that would make my life so much easier.. and it is so about me right now. Heh.

Praying for guidance

I feel like my life is falling apart. I have no idea what my purpose is in life, I have no idea where I'm supposed to go from here.

I spent over an hour in C's office today... talking about things I have not voiced in therapy yet. I can tell her anything, yet I hold back with my therapist. The relationship is still somewhat new, but I'm afraid of letting my guard down that much. I mean, I'm already having panic attacks interfering with my life as things stand now, but they get so much worse when I dig up emotions I've kept hidden for so long. C asked for permission to speak to my therapist. I know she asked because she is concerned, but it worries me what will be said. I'm going to waive confidentiality because I trust her more than I have trusted anyone in my life, but part of me is panicked because anything I have shared in the past year will be fair game.

I have been fighting this battle unmedicated (with the exception of Xa.nax on an as needed basis), but I think I am going to have to be put on something... and that is such a slap in the face for me. There is also a possibility that I might take a leave of absence from work. I have been thinking about it, and C recommended it as a possibility.... but I am not jumping the gun on anything. I will be seeing A on Tuesday and will work with her in figuring out what is best for me. I will be praying for guidance, because as hard as I try, I just can't see God's path for me right now.