Can You See My Secret?

I had an interesting experience this weekend.

I am required to get a certain number of training hours outside of school each year to maintain my certificate. Most of them I get during the summer, but I normally don't knock them all out in the summer and have to take a Saturday to finish them all up. There wasn't a whole lot offered that really pertained to me, but I did see one that caught my eye titled "Addiction/Abuse". Of course it was to be centered on how to help students who are suffering or come from families who deal with that, but I thought it might be helpful.

Knowing that V has done trainings for my school district before, I figured she was leading this one too since it is right up her alley. I talked to her about it and sure enough, she was going to be the presenter for it. I asked her what she thought about me attending, and she said it would be totally fine. I did a little thinking about it before I signed up, but decided that since nothing else that was offered was really on target with what I needed professionally, that I could go see her presentation and learn things both professionally and personally.

We talked a little bit in my session Thursday about what to expect as far as how she would interact with me (basically she'd pretend she didn't know me, keep the eye contact at a minimum, etc) and an idea of what she'd be talking about to help prepare me for anything triggering. I left feeling a little nervous after hearing some of the things she was going to talk about, but knew it was because I heard it with my "therapy brain" and it would not be the same when I was hearing it with my "professional brain".

So Saturday I walked into the training and signed in, picked a spot to sit and immediately got so self conscious. I felt like I was hiding this huge secret and shouldn't be there. We went around and introduced ourselves and when she got to me, it was so strange knowing that we were both pretending not to know each other on purpose. She started her presentation and I was shocked to find that I was almost immediately withdrawing without even having anything triggering me. I struggled to focus on what she was talking about. I struggled even with looking up at the screen because it was too close to where she was standing.

I spent a lot of the presentation staring at the handouts, the ground, my table, my nails... anything to avoid making eye contact. I felt like I did for so long after I was abused. I couldn't look people in the eye for the longest time. It was like that simple act meant that everyone could see what had happened to me and what I thought. I haven't felt like that in a long time. Like I was hiding some secret that everyone could see on my face. And I was hiding a secret...

Not only that, but I felt like I was a fly on the wall watching V discuss all these things, many of which pertained to me and my life, with all these strangers. It felt like I was watching all these people learn about my deepest and darkest secrets thinking it was about random people, but I really knew it was about me. And hearing V speaking the words made it stir inside of me differently.

I never realized how much her voice is connected with feeling things for me. Any time I approach things that require me to feel anything, she's there supporting me, pushing me and talking to me. Her voice has become one of those things you don't even realize is so embedded in your brain. It's like how a smell triggers a certain memory, I found that her voice triggers certain feelings. It was all very overwhelming. I didn't really take much from the presentation because I had all of this swirling through my head.

V sent me an email today asking how I was after the presentation. She picked up on the fact that I was having a hard time and wanted to know if she could do anything to help. I basically told her what I wrote about here. I'll be interested to see what she says in response.

Weird weekend.

Mind Shift

Sorry for the absence! School is back in full swing and I have been very busy getting ready for it all!

My mind took a shift from "all about me" to "all about work" a couple of weeks ago and it has been hard for me to tap into my reflective side.

I'm still seeing V once a week, but right now school is the only thing on my mind. Once things settle in a little bit more, the "all about me" side will start to open itself back up.

I did have some rather disturbing dreams last night, though. Hoping those don't continue if I keep neglecting this other side of me.

Drumroll, please!

Burning question: Do I still have my job?

Yes.

I basically got a slap on the wrist, a mark on my yearly evaluation and the "privilege" of being able to weigh in/contribute to certain situations taken away, but aside from that I'm pretty much in the clear. This whole thing has left a very bad taste in my mouth, from the fact that someone I trusted had nothing better to do than to sabotage my job and private life and the fact that I feel that now that people know this happened, they don't trust my judgement or opinions. It's really frustrating... and being someone who obsesses over how people think of me, it's been a daily battle to not continuously let this bring me down.

My life has been a ridiculous blur of work. It has not been this bad in almost 4 years. I just cannot catch up. And if, for whatever reason I find that I am starting to get ahead something happens and I go right back to drowning.

My job is normally the positive light in my somewhat recently darkened life and this year it is causing so much more stress and pain than what I am used to. I've done a pretty good job "keeping my chin up" but I'm starting to feel the weight of it all. I haven't been sleeping very well unless it is medicine induced. I have been eating like crap because I have no time to cook (hello Chick-Fil-A!). My stomach has been giving me problems recently and I'm not sure if it's more from the crappy food or the stress.

I'm coming up on my birthday, which is always a testy time for me, as well as my 2 year anniversary with A. I have been slacking off with pushing myself in the area of therapy, but I just don't know how I can try to juggle one more thing.

I Think This Counts...

So 24 hours ago I posted that I felt like something big was coming...

Does being fired count?

Someone reported something I wrote on my Facebook to my bosses and because of it I could be fired. I have a meeting with HR on Monday. I have been hysterical since I got home. I just can't figure out why something like this is happening to me.

It wasn't implicating anyone or my company specifically, no names were mentioned and I was trying to be funny (although the undertone was my honest thought and frustration). But somehow someone who is not my friend (I have the privacy settings as high as they go) linked on from one of my other friends comments to that post and reported it.

Crazy thing was, I was warned about this by my boss Wednesday at a department meeting due to the nature of my job and I came home and double checked my settings to make sure they were as private as they went. I don't even have words to describe how devastated I will be if I lose my job.

Staying Above Water

Man alive, I have been so busy. Like barely keeping my head above water feel like I am drowning busy. Yay work. I am just now getting home after a 15 hour day. This is why I haven't been posting. I haven't even sat at my computer at home for at least a week.

Things are going better though. My peace is slowly creeping back in and I'm finding that I am happy again. I'm a little worried because I'm finding it harder and harder to want to keep going to see A when I feel so stable, but I know it is in my best interest to keep going and keep pushing myself.

I feel like something big is coming. Like God is preparing my heart for something. Just a feeling. Can't really describe it.

I promise I'll write more when things settle down.

Busy

Unbelievably mind-numbingly busy. Opening a new location is a lot of work.

Grandma is not doing well. Just got a call that they are taking her into emergency surgery. They might have to amputate her foot. This will delay the chemo that she was supposed to start Monday.

No session with A this week because I had to work so much. Will report back when things calm down a little.

Identity

Man, I can't believe it has been a week since I last posted. This was my last week of break, but I was busier this week than I have been all summer! Two baseball games, one game night with friends, two sessions with A, planning meeting with my new partner, one follow up with the pdoc, Bon Voyage dinner for a family friend going off to college, paperwork intake and orientation for work and an additional 3-4 hours getting things set up at work before Monday. Sufficed to say, I didn't actually get much rest this week!

My moods have been very stable lately, which is helping me feel more confident about starting work again on Monday. I can't remember the last time I felt anything bordering on depression, which is so nice. My sleeping is still a little haywire, but I know once I put in an 8 hour work day for the first time in months that'll be easily solved. I'm nervous about going back Monday, but the closer it gets the more excitement starts to creep in.

A and I have been discussing identity a lot lately. Mainly how I allow myself to retreat when in the company of my family and conform to their ideals, opinions, expectations, etc. then let it affect my state of mind when I am away from them. I am a very different person at work, for instance, than I am with my family. Life for me is far less scary and confusing when I am connected to who I am away from my family. It is often why I grapple with guilt because I know this, yet I still feel that desire to connect with them. A calls it hard-wiring. We are hard-wired to rely on our parents and family to teach us, and therefore create an almost unbreakable bond regardless of situation. For instance, your dad beats the crap out of you, yet you still want and hope for that connection, however dysfunctional it may be. Although my situation is much different, the feelings are the same.

So what do I do with this? It's a very complicated dance between denial, loneliness, resentment and strength. Instead of pushing them away or pretending nothing is wrong (both of which I have done plenty of), I need to start letting little pieces of me return when I am in their presence. I don't have to act differently or even draw attention to the fact that anything has changed. This battle will be fought within me. I have to remind myself who I really am. What I believe about myself, not what others tell me should be true. Easier said than done, but as I'm learning more about myself and my strength, I'm finding it to be a little less daunting every day.

You Can't Hide

Some days I feel so care free, I wonder if I imagined the terror of the last 2 years, or the abuse itself.

I'm not really sure what God wants me to take from today.

A parent of one of my students sent me an e-mail asking me to call her. She had something she needed to get my advice on but didn't want to discuss it via e-mail. I've known this woman for 4 years, as I had her older son in 2006. She subs for me on occasion so we've built a pretty advanced relationship for a teacher/parent. I wasn't really sure what she wanted to talk to me about, but was surprised when she told me she was concerned about one of the teachers in our department. Her son has this teacher and has said throughout the year that this teacher makes him really uncomfortable. Last weekend while at church her son and a bunch of his friends (who also go to my school) were talking about how he's always rubbing their backs, and calling them by little pet names and how it creeps them out. She said that her older son said the same thing when he was there, too, but she didn't really think too much about it because she thought it was just her son being over-sensitive.

The whole time I was thinking "Everything she is saying sounds exactly like what M used to do to me."

I could tell she was struggling with how to handle it as a mom, to go directly to the teacher (awkward) or to the administration (awkward again, but how do you make it non-accusational since he hasn't done anything and ensure that her son isn't singled out). She was trying to convince herself that it wasn't anything, that she was the one overreacting...

"He's married right? Not that it matters, but maybe it does."

All the while I'm thinking "Yeah. M was married... and had kids... and was friends with my entire family. It doesn't matter at all. That's what most of them are good at."

"It just takes one vulnerable kid in the wrong place at the right time."

"Yeah, tell me about it."

"It's probably nothing, but it has really been bothering me and I needed to talk to someone about it and see how I should proceed."

"Man, I wish my mom would have listened to me when I told her how uncomfortable M made me feel when he was always touching me."

I was able to stay composed and (hopefully) helpful in the conversation and we came up with a solution. I will be talking to our male assistant principal Monday in order to maintain confidentiality (and keep her son safe from being singled out). This way, the conversation with this other teacher can be male-to-male and with as few people knowing as possible.

How in the world is this happening in now seeping into my professional life? Can I not hide from it ever? Do I constantly have to be reminded of the fact that I was vulnerable? That no one listened to me? I am upset. I am confused. I am not feeling care-free anymore.

Then The Phone Rang

Things were quickly spiraling out of control for me last week. It was one of the worst weeks I've had in quite a while. I think I cried every day and when I finally collapsed into bed for the night, I cried then too.

I was exhausted.

Through my tears and pain Thursday night, I found the strength to pray. It almost felt like begging.

Please.

Help me to understand this pain. Help me to understand your path for me, why these things happened and what I am supposed to learn.

Please.

I woke up Friday and put my happy face on, as I was heading to have lunch with my mom and sister. I made myself eat a little for the sake of not raising questions, but just as it has been the entire week, I just did not have any appetite. I left with such a stomach ache (the stress has been aggravating my gall bladder issues, plus the fact that the one thing I had eaten since Tuesday morning was french fries, a big no-no) that I had to go home. I had other plans that afternoon, but I could barely sit up straight.

So I went home. I dissociated myself so much that I don't even remember thinking for at least an hour. Then the phone rang.

God?

Nope, my new boss.

I got the job.

I'm sorry what? Me? The one who was convinced she blew her only chance by showing up 45 minutes late to the interview? The one who was convinced that they wouldn't be able to see past the fact that I am not perfect, but that I am an amazing teacher?

I couldn't believe it.

I got off the phone and had to check myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming. I sat there in awe/confusion/excitement.

It took me a while to realize that my stomach ache had gone away; that I wasn't in any pain any more. Suddenly I was hungry.

My prayers that night were much different.

God Is In Control

I found out today that I have to leave my school due to downsizing. I work in an extremely fast growing district, and a new school is opening next year to relieve my current school of our large student population. With that though, goes our teachers. I thought I was safe because I have been at that school for 4 out of the 6 years it has been open, but I found out today that I am being forced to transfer because they won't have a spot for me. :(

I am crushed.

I love my school, my kids, the people I work with, everything. I can't imagine not working there. Maybe because I've never worked anywhere BUT there, with those people.

If I am lucky, I will get to go to the school that is opening and taking half of my kids. In that case, I would know most of them, which would make the transition easier. Most of the teachers in my position (which is about 60% of our current staff) wants to transfer there too, for the same reason: to be with and around people you have worked with and taught the past 4 years. Easy transition.

Here's the problem:

This new school that is opening should have about 30 positions to fill. My school alone has about 25 people who are being forced to leave and the other school that is downsizing to help start this new school is losing up to 40 (!!!) teachers that will also be trying for this school that their kids will be going to. 30 positions for upwards of 65 people. There is a good chance I won't get a placement there.

If that happens, then I basically can be put at any school that has an opening without having any say in that or what I will be teaching. They could technically tell me that I have to get certified to teach another subject in order for them to retain a position for me.

I'm so upset. I had higher seniority than 70% of the staff at my current school and that still wasn't enough to keep me there. I really wasn't worried until Friday, when one of my friends who started the same year I did (2006) was told he was going to have to transfer. I couldn't believe it. However, God immediately started softening my heart to the idea of having to leave. I spent the whole weekend thinking about why it wouldn't be bad to leave and start this new school. Why it could be a good thing. He kept reminding me that every time he has changed something for me in my career it has turned out to be a positive thing. Why would this be any different?

But now all I feel is sad. I hate change. I hate having no control. I hate not knowing what is going to happen. And that is exactly what is going on.

But God is in control, and he has a plan for me. It might not be the plan I have in mind, but he will give me the strength to get through it.

A Moment To Be Happy

My principal stopped me in the office yesterday after school and told me she had received the most wonderful e-mail from a parent about me. She forwarded it to me this morning and I almost cried. I don't think I have ever felt as proud of myself as I did when I read this e-mail. :)

Mrs. _______,

My name is J, and my son C is a 6th grader enrolled in one of (Lily's) AP math courses. I wanted you to know that while we’ve been extremely impressed with the school district since moving here in 2006, (Lily) stands out as one of the most outstanding teachers I’ve come across. She communicates in a way that resonates with both the students and parents, and if you can find more like her, I’d hire them all. C is geared towards math and science in particular, and so he naturally enjoys the subject, but (Lily) really ties it altogether for him. I visited with her at curriculum night, and she was generous with her time and direction on what C needed to do to really excel in her class. He’s making straight A’s, and if we hadn’t discussed his performance early in the year, it might be a different story.

Anyway, I could go on and on, but I just thought you should know that (Lily) is making a real difference with a bright mind. I hope you have a great day.

Sincerely,
J

Fall Fear

Last night was the first night in almost two weeks that I sat down to journal. I had been told to stop journaling at night because of the destructive triggers it was stirring up in me, but after such a long time I almost felt like I was pushing myself backwards into not feeling anything and avoiding the topic. It definitely felt good to sit down with a pen in hand and write about what was bothering me.

Towards the end of my session last night, I told her that I was worried about starting the upcoming season because the past two years have resulted in a VERY rough fall . Last year things fell apart in October, starting with my grandfather's death and snowballing with constant panic attacks, depression and my eventual re-entry into counseling. The year before that is when my whole world came crashing down at the realization/confrontation of my abuse. I could barely function. I don't know how I made it through working during those first few months. I am worried that I am doomed to have another awful fall. October is when I start running out of fuel, getting too much on my plate then crash and burn... and last year I crashed and burned hard. I do not want to have to go through that again.

So when I sat down to write about this, I was just as emotional as I was bringing it up in session. I was on the verge of tears because the fall represents such a low point in my year... I can still feel the wound that has had little time to heal. I am so afraid that no matter what I do I can't prevent it from happening again. And not only that, the friend/mentor who helped me through the roughest time in my life is now retired and is no longer a few doors away, which leaves me feeling even more trapped at work. No one knows what I am going through. I don't think I can handle having to put on a happy face in front of everyone at work again. At least with C, I could be real. I don't think I can handle going back to that place again. I am just not strong enough. The fear is overwhelming. It's causing me to want to ditch my path and hide where no one can ever find me.

One Small Step

Today was my last day of work. Big party to celebrate!

Now normally large social gatherings that involve alcohol make me very nervous. I don't drink, so being around a large group that is, eventually gets very loud and raucous. So normally if I go to these events, I often come up with an excuse to leave long before I ever arrive. I need an out if I feel things are getting out of control (my version of it at least, by no means all that bad to most people). I left work not long after the last bell, feeling anxious because of the prospect of having an empty 11 weeks ahead of me and always feeling obligated to fill it with things I don't want to do because I really don't have an excuse not to. Then feeling as if I was entering into a situation where I normally feel completely out of control almost sent me into a panic attack. I could feel it coming on, but the tools I have now are so much more adept at staving off those attacks. I was able to talk myself down and have a little pep talk with myself.

I arrived with about 10 staff members already there, which was comforting to me not having to wait around for conversation. We quickly had to move into the back room at the pub, as we exceeded 20+. I started off a little withdrawn, chiming into conversations as I had something to add but mostly felt a little out of place because I wasn't drinking or eating. I decided to get up to chat with my old team members who I never see because I moved departments. Ahh, back in my comfort zone. Once I got up and moving around I actually was able to enjoy myself. 2 hours passed without me even checking my watch! A lot of people had already left, but we got everyone else together for a picture (always fun when you have that many people) and I love that I have a "last memory" of my friends that are leaving. I left not long after, not feeling guilty that I left before other people, but that I stayed and enjoyed the time there. I am really learning that it is not worth worrying about what other's think about me, but listening to myself and being OK with the decisions I make.

One small step at a time.

A Quiet Minute

My life has been a constant flurry of activity these past few weeks. Only now am I able to sit down with no distractions and write about things going on in my life right now.

Work: I am amazing. Got some results back that put me at the top of my co-workers in the same category. Woo!!

Summer Plans: This will be the first summer in 3 years that I will not be in Pa.ris. I am bummed :( My college buddy and I are going to NY.C from June 11-15. Family reunion in Colo.rado from June 18-23. Annual summer trip to Ca.li to visit my dad; sometime in July. Road trip to Hou.ston to see the girls I graduated the education program with; sometime in July.

Health: MRI last week gave the severity of my bul.ging disc, still within the treatable range for chiropractic care. Started anti-inflam.matories this week and am seeing some relief. Hopefully allowing those muscles around my spine time to relax will help with my healing. Not sure what I'm going to do if this doesn't work.

Family: It's almost been a month since my cousin died. Thinking about her makes me mad at the world for not making sense.

Counseling: I've so overloaded lately that my normal introspective nature has taken a holiday. I have not been thinking about or looking into things that I really should be. That being said, my homework for this last week was to identify a thought every day that fit into a list of beliefs I have (however untrue or unrealistic) and while I didn't come up with one every single day, the few that I did were loaded with history. One, involving my last relationship (using the term loosely), is something I have never talked about in depth with anyone. To say I felt anxious about discussing anything doing with intimacy would be an understatement. I'm not even sure if I took a breath the whole time. Even though I felt safe and trusted that I was going to be supported, it was a definite leap out of my comfort zone.

I have writer's block. My mind is thinking a million things but nothing complete enough to form sentences or even make sense. UGH. I hate processing through so much stuff.

Blur

Man alive, these last two weeks have been a blur. I don't even remember what I did last week to tell you the truth.

My best friend and her baby stayed with me this week. They were supposed to stay Monday and Tuesday night, but because of some selfish acts on the part of her husband they were forced to stay another unscheduled night. I loved having her and the baby, but her mom and husband were a little much to deal with in my little one bedroom apartment. Wednesday I had an MR.I to find out the severity of the problems with my back, since treatment wasn't giving me the progress that is normally seen in the time I have been going. Thankfully I do not have a bulging disc past 5mm in progression according to the scans, but apparently mine is pressed up against the nerves in my back and is resistant to improve.

I am at the point where I am almost disgusted with myself. My weight continues to climb and my motivation continues to drop. I haven't been working out at an intensity that will really help me lose weight because it almost always causes me to slide backwards in progress with my back. I have been allowing myself to mindlessly eat, with no regards to the reason except boredom. I am sad, and I hate myself for letting it get this bad. I've gained 15 lbs in the last 18 months. Ughhhh. Thankfully my clothes still fit nicely, but I have got to get this under control.

Too many good season finales on tonight to spend more time on here... hopefully I can catch up on blog reading this weekend!

Free Food

It's Workers Appreciation Week, i.e. make Lily fat week. Free Chi.ck-Fi.l-A today, but at least I put my chicken in a salad when I got home. We also had catered breakfast this morning. I was strong and didn't go into the workroom, so what do they do? Bring it into the copy room. Ugh, those 2 donuts I did not need. Thursday they are catering lunch for us, but I never go down there for lunch so I should be good.

I'm still feeling somewhat pessimistic and grouchy overall. I think part of my problem is that I haven't been able to workout (per doctor's orders). I found out today that in addition to the previous diagnosed problems (L5-S1 bulging disc, pinched nerves and sciatica) that I now have a rib sublux.ation that has been causing the pain in my upper back/shoulder blade. Breathing hurts, even sleeping hurts. To add onto all that, I have come down with a lovely cold and have been coughing all day. Ouch.

Counseling today was a lot more insightful than I expected it to be. I was not in the mood to be reflective on anything, but it doesn't take long for me to feel comfortable and forget that I wanted to hold back. We went over my homework from a few weeks ago (T's sudden death took the front page the last two weeks) over my perspectives of life. Wow was that a depressing list to read. They don't seem so bad when you think them one by one, but listed out on paper it is very revealing to how I think. Looking at lists like that is very overwhelming to me because somewhere in the back of my mind I think that the only way I can make any progress is to completely change the way I think and act. Heaven forbid something is a small change... it can't work if it isn't a huge, drastic thing right? Heh. Hearing her say that I don't have to change the way that I think about everything was very comforting to hear and not something I would have ever thought was possible really. I need to work more on taking what I think and not generalizing it to every person and situation... that is where I struggle. And that is my homework for next week. Should be interesting.

Happy Easter!

Ugh... spring is so busy! I have less than 3 weeks until our next evaluation; basically what the whole year leads up to. Start panic mode! Well, not panic but definitely hectic mode. Had a lot of drama at work lately. One of my co-workers stabbed me in the back, that two-faced #(&*@. You could say I got in "trouble" because of it, but basically I just got talked to because of what my boss heard. The fact that she relies on gossip as a source of punishment just tells you the type of person I work for. Thankfully something else huge came up with another employee so I can guarantee my little tiff over taking a personal day is the last thing in her mind now. Friday ended with her screaming in the office.

Counseling has been going well. I was able to go in without any anxiety last week. I've never had that clarity of thought before during a session. I wasn't afraid to talk about anything, which was definitely a change. We got talking about some things that I have never discussed, so it was new, but I was proud of myself. During our discussion, she asked me what I would do if I ever ran into him, to which I replied that I never allow myself anywhere near where he is so that won't happen. That got us on the topic of my need to track him because I don't feel safe. She asked if he was on the sex offender registry, which he is, and if she minded if she pulled his page up. That was really the only time I felt anxious. I have managed to blur his face from my mind and seeing his picture just brings forth a lot of pain for me. This week is going to be taking me to a place I've never been to... and for once I feel strong enough to handle it. Let's hope I'm right.

My body has been taking a big hit with the stressors in my life recently. I've been suffering from back pain since January, so I started seeing a massage therapist to help. It provided temporary relief, but overall kept getting worse. Last week I went to a chiropractor and have started treatment with her. I have a pinched nerve, partially bulged disc and many misalignments causing the plethera of ailments (knots, spasms, pain, etc) I've been suffering. She said had I waited much longer I would have been on the road to damage that could have only been fixed through surgery. It's crazy. I'm only 25 for crying out loud!

My life the next month is going to be super busy with last minute preps for our evaluations, my regular duties, counseling on Tuesdays, massage 2x a week and the chiro 4x a week. Don't expect too many updates!

I may moan and groan...

... but I really do love my job :)

Angry

So, as I previously posted last week, I met with my boss to discuss my absences and was second guessing that choice because of her reaction. For purposes of self-preservation I made the choice to move as many appointments as possible so that I wouldn't miss work. In all honesty I scheduled a couple during work to allow me a break every 4 weeks or so. I told her I changed almost all of my appointments (with the exception of two that really couldn't be changed) and she was grateful that I did that.

Fast forward to today. She stopped me in the office and asked if I was going to a seminar after work (optional) that we have once every 10 weeks or so. I told her that I already talked to my department head about it, that Tuesday's won't ever work because I have other engagements that can't be changed. So she proceeds to ask me what I do during that time. I'm sorry.. it's my personal time and it's off-contract. I could be pole-dancing and you can have no say in it. Anyway, I told her that I have medical appointments (vague enough?) from 5:30-6:30 and rehearsal from 7-9. In a nutshell she basically told me that what was happening after work was important and that I needed to reschedule those appointments when something like this comes up. She then proceeded to tell me that I shouldn't ever respond that "I can't EVER do that" but that I should be open to possibly changing my schedule in order to be able to participate in something that will help me.

I was so pissed. That woman really has no clue.

Ice

Work was cancelled today. It rained all day yesterday, then sleeted for about 4 hours last night then the temps dropped into the teens and didn't get back above freezing until 2PM today. It was NASTY out there. As much as I enjoyed today off, it has really screwed up my week!