Compelled To Write

It has been a while since I've felt compelled to write.

I have been living a "normal" life for the past couple years. I have actually enjoyed waking up every day. My job, my friends, my family, my entire life. College was the last time I've felt this weightless feeling and even that wasn't true freedom. It was just freedom shrouded by denial. This is probably the first time in the last 15 years that I have had moments of real happiness. It has been amazing. Something I thought just a few short years ago wouldn't be possible. 

Writing here (or anywhere really) has always been a really healthy way for me to organize my thoughts and regain control in situations where I felt little to none. It has been a long time since I've felt the need to do this, but it's calling me tonight.

In my path to "normalcy" over the past few years, I've mimicked what I think to be normal behavior; namely dating. While much of it has been faking it til I make it, there has been one guy that seems different.

We met last year and went out a few times but fell into more of a friendship. We started things back up this last winter but things fizzled out again. I was really disappointed when he kept cancelling our plans then made no effort to reschedule them so I just assumed that meant he wasn't interested. We still talked quite a bit but I struggled with accepting what I thought to be the truth... that he just wanted to be friends. But I never asked him. Why? Part of me thought I knew the answer and part of me didn't want to hear what I thought he'd say. So we just kept doing what we were doing, casually talking via text and Facebook as friends. 

Imagine my surprise when he sends me flowers this week and asks when he can see me.

Ummm, I'm sorry, what? 

I was completely thrown off guard and to be honest, I was pissed.

SERIOUSLY? NOW? I have been off of work for 3 months (summer break) with absolutely all the time in the world and you pick now, the busiest and most stressful time to spring this on me? 

Dating is not an easy thing for me. It takes a LOT of energy out of me and requires a lot of mental preparation. It is not something I can just up and do on a whim. ESPECIALLY when I have no clue it's coming. I spent most of my summer coming to terms with the fact that I was going to need to move on from him and eventually try again. 

And then he blindsides me like this? WTF man?!

He's probably thinking he's doing this sweet thing by sending me flowers at work, but to be honest it sent me into a tailspin. I felt all this pressure I had never felt before, even when we were going out. Then it was still me trying to figure out if/how much he was interested. This obviously meant he was and that scared the shit out of me.

I suck at communication period, but it also wasn't the time to unload this baggage on him so I was my normal sweet self and thanked him for the flowers and we decided on this morning to meet for brunch. 

I was TERRIFIED. Which in my bouts of lucidity and normalcy I found utterly ridiculous because had I been the one to pursue setting up plans with him and him agreeing to them I would have been excited. But instead, the tables were turned and I was not prepared. Me not being prepared = terror every single time. Especially with dating. 

We had brunch this morning and I tried my damnedest to enjoy it. If I was not in this terror/pissed mindset I would have 100% enjoyed it. He's so easy to talk to, has a great personality, makes me laugh and is pretty much 100% my type. I tried to push out any negative feelings and just be in the present moment. Most of the time I was able to do that pretty well, but I could feel myself getting annoyed a bit (hopefully it didn't show) and just wanting to get out of there. Not because I wasn't interested in spending time with him, but because I had met my threshold for being out of my comfort zone and I needed to decompress and have some time with my thoughts.

What do I want? How much am I ready for? How much and/or what do I tell him right now to get to a point where I can take a leap of faith? 

I have all this swirling around in my head and I don't have any answers. My inner voice is telling me I need to let him know that I was completely blind sided by this because I thought he wasn't interested and that I'm just trying to understand where he's coming from. Why now? What changed? I feel like he also needs to know more about me and my fear of relationships but that is such a huge door to open and the poor guy does not need to be avalanched with all my baggage. I need to figure out the right way to let him know to tread lightly. That I need to be handled with kid gloves... but I suck at speaking up for myself so I'm stalling. I'm great at that. 

Sabotage

So yeah, it's been a while! It's been a busy few months!

I'm posting today because I need an outlet for my thoughts. I can't talk to anyone about these feelings.. although I'm considering going back into counseling. I just hope I can afford it with my medical insurance.

About 3 weeks ago, I started up a random My.Space conversation with someone from my HS. I didn't know them personally, but knew they went there. We chatted off and on for a week or so, which gradually moved to the phone and now in person. I go through the same motions. Excited for the first date, then most of the time I'm wishing the time away until I can go home and be in my comfort zone. Dating definitely makes me nervous. If only it were as easy as it seems for my friends, or on TV. The only time I remember not being nervous and enjoying my dates is with M.. but for whatever reason we stopped talking to each other and seeing each other. I tried striking it up again this summer, but the disinterest seems to be on his side, not mine. I was never panicky when I was with him... we went on 6 or 7 dates over the span of 3 months or so and I enjoyed them all.

The one before him, MiE and I went out twice. There was no spark there. I already felt trapped into conversations with him and once I told him I wasn't interested that panicky feeling immediately disappeared. I don't think that's how it's supposed to work.

Now, I've been out on one "date" with the new guy.. RF as I will refer to him, and one informal get-together. I just left the informal one, and feel panicked! He wanted me to ditch one of my Christmas parties so we could go out this weekend, but of course I'm like hell no (without actually saying that). So instead we are doing something Monday.... and he's calling me tonight. I realize this is just dating, but I'm feeling rushed and it's freaking me out again. I know I sabotage relationships with people (conciously and subconciously) when I start getting uncomfortable. It's the fact that I haven't dealt with my abuse properly and I have serious trust issues. I understand that. My hormones are compounding this issue as well. I'm at the peak of craziness, between being on my period, work being insanely stressful and this dating stuff, it's just wearing on me. I'm guessing I had a slight panic attack from thinking about too much stuff at once, all the stuff that could happen, that could go wrong, that might make me uncomfortable, etc and it just snowballed. But still, that shouldn't happen and probably doesn't happen to your normal Joe. I may just ask him if we can change our date to Thursday, not be so back to back with our outings.. just to give me some peace of mind. It may tip him off, but if I don't get the time I need to adjust to all of this, I'll end up running him off anyway.

I may need to be put on medication.. but I don't think my problems are physiological, they are psychological. I've e-mailed a friend who works as a sch.ool counselor and asked her if she could recommend someone. Hopefully she can help.. if not, she's one of the nicest people I've ever met and she would help me out as much as she could. If only she practiced, she's exactly the type of person I'd look for in a counselor! If anyone reads this, thanks for listening!