A Quiet Minute

My life has been a constant flurry of activity these past few weeks. Only now am I able to sit down with no distractions and write about things going on in my life right now.

Work: I am amazing. Got some results back that put me at the top of my co-workers in the same category. Woo!!

Summer Plans: This will be the first summer in 3 years that I will not be in Pa.ris. I am bummed :( My college buddy and I are going to NY.C from June 11-15. Family reunion in Colo.rado from June 18-23. Annual summer trip to Ca.li to visit my dad; sometime in July. Road trip to Hou.ston to see the girls I graduated the education program with; sometime in July.

Health: MRI last week gave the severity of my bul.ging disc, still within the treatable range for chiropractic care. Started anti-inflam.matories this week and am seeing some relief. Hopefully allowing those muscles around my spine time to relax will help with my healing. Not sure what I'm going to do if this doesn't work.

Family: It's almost been a month since my cousin died. Thinking about her makes me mad at the world for not making sense.

Counseling: I've so overloaded lately that my normal introspective nature has taken a holiday. I have not been thinking about or looking into things that I really should be. That being said, my homework for this last week was to identify a thought every day that fit into a list of beliefs I have (however untrue or unrealistic) and while I didn't come up with one every single day, the few that I did were loaded with history. One, involving my last relationship (using the term loosely), is something I have never talked about in depth with anyone. To say I felt anxious about discussing anything doing with intimacy would be an understatement. I'm not even sure if I took a breath the whole time. Even though I felt safe and trusted that I was going to be supported, it was a definite leap out of my comfort zone.

I have writer's block. My mind is thinking a million things but nothing complete enough to form sentences or even make sense. UGH. I hate processing through so much stuff.

Free Food

It's Workers Appreciation Week, i.e. make Lily fat week. Free Chi.ck-Fi.l-A today, but at least I put my chicken in a salad when I got home. We also had catered breakfast this morning. I was strong and didn't go into the workroom, so what do they do? Bring it into the copy room. Ugh, those 2 donuts I did not need. Thursday they are catering lunch for us, but I never go down there for lunch so I should be good.

I'm still feeling somewhat pessimistic and grouchy overall. I think part of my problem is that I haven't been able to workout (per doctor's orders). I found out today that in addition to the previous diagnosed problems (L5-S1 bulging disc, pinched nerves and sciatica) that I now have a rib sublux.ation that has been causing the pain in my upper back/shoulder blade. Breathing hurts, even sleeping hurts. To add onto all that, I have come down with a lovely cold and have been coughing all day. Ouch.

Counseling today was a lot more insightful than I expected it to be. I was not in the mood to be reflective on anything, but it doesn't take long for me to feel comfortable and forget that I wanted to hold back. We went over my homework from a few weeks ago (T's sudden death took the front page the last two weeks) over my perspectives of life. Wow was that a depressing list to read. They don't seem so bad when you think them one by one, but listed out on paper it is very revealing to how I think. Looking at lists like that is very overwhelming to me because somewhere in the back of my mind I think that the only way I can make any progress is to completely change the way I think and act. Heaven forbid something is a small change... it can't work if it isn't a huge, drastic thing right? Heh. Hearing her say that I don't have to change the way that I think about everything was very comforting to hear and not something I would have ever thought was possible really. I need to work more on taking what I think and not generalizing it to every person and situation... that is where I struggle. And that is my homework for next week. Should be interesting.

One of those days

I feel like I have been hit by a truck. My body is so drained from the panic that consumed me today... only now am I coming down from that, and I am feeling it right down into my bones.

I had one of the hardest sessions of my life today. I told myself before I went in there that I was going to read out loud the letter I had written and not allow myself to make excuses. Easier said than done. I think it took me close to 25 minutes to read the first paragraph. I had the onset of a panic attack as I kept reading and I could not stop shaking for the majority of the time... all because of words. Words on a piece of paper. Who knew the truth could be that terrifying? One paragraph was so hard for me to read I completely broke down right in the middle of it... ugh. I hate crying in front of people. I feel so weak when I do that but I just could not stave off the panic AND the emotions all at once, so I made the decision to cry a little in return for not completely freaking out in her office. Life's a trade off right?

In retrospect, I am very glad I was able to read it all in one session, especially since I won't be able to go back for another 2 weeks. Had I not done it, I would have looked down on myself for being so weak and not doing the best I could. At the very least, I accomplished that. But now, I have all these emotions out, they are no longer just a part of my thoughts... but now A knows about them. I know that they are as safe with her as they were in my head, but it's amazing how much more real it makes this entire situation.

I'm hoping I can sleep tonight without any more nightmares. I had one Sunday night that kept me up for a long time. Sometimes living alone is not such a great thing.

John 14:27

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

I've been running from this for over 10 years. I'm tired. For whatever reason, I can't run this time. I've tried pushing it back as I've always done before but I can't. This last week has been bad for me, Thursday especially. I met up with RF again and had an anxiety attack when I got home. I'm not ready. I haven't come to terms with it. I can't trust anyone until I get some help.

I went and talked to C, the counselor for my students. I love that woman. She is like a mother to me. I have never met someone so amazing. She will do anything she can to help anyone, no matter what the cost. She is going to help me find someone that can help me move on.

There is a certain peace I have felt the past few days knowing that I'm ready to face this but it scares me a lot. I never made any progress in counseling before because I was never ready. I'm pretty sure I am now. I can't let this eat away at me forever. There is no shame in asking for help... and that was (still is) very hard for me to realize.

Sabotage

So yeah, it's been a while! It's been a busy few months!

I'm posting today because I need an outlet for my thoughts. I can't talk to anyone about these feelings.. although I'm considering going back into counseling. I just hope I can afford it with my medical insurance.

About 3 weeks ago, I started up a random My.Space conversation with someone from my HS. I didn't know them personally, but knew they went there. We chatted off and on for a week or so, which gradually moved to the phone and now in person. I go through the same motions. Excited for the first date, then most of the time I'm wishing the time away until I can go home and be in my comfort zone. Dating definitely makes me nervous. If only it were as easy as it seems for my friends, or on TV. The only time I remember not being nervous and enjoying my dates is with M.. but for whatever reason we stopped talking to each other and seeing each other. I tried striking it up again this summer, but the disinterest seems to be on his side, not mine. I was never panicky when I was with him... we went on 6 or 7 dates over the span of 3 months or so and I enjoyed them all.

The one before him, MiE and I went out twice. There was no spark there. I already felt trapped into conversations with him and once I told him I wasn't interested that panicky feeling immediately disappeared. I don't think that's how it's supposed to work.

Now, I've been out on one "date" with the new guy.. RF as I will refer to him, and one informal get-together. I just left the informal one, and feel panicked! He wanted me to ditch one of my Christmas parties so we could go out this weekend, but of course I'm like hell no (without actually saying that). So instead we are doing something Monday.... and he's calling me tonight. I realize this is just dating, but I'm feeling rushed and it's freaking me out again. I know I sabotage relationships with people (conciously and subconciously) when I start getting uncomfortable. It's the fact that I haven't dealt with my abuse properly and I have serious trust issues. I understand that. My hormones are compounding this issue as well. I'm at the peak of craziness, between being on my period, work being insanely stressful and this dating stuff, it's just wearing on me. I'm guessing I had a slight panic attack from thinking about too much stuff at once, all the stuff that could happen, that could go wrong, that might make me uncomfortable, etc and it just snowballed. But still, that shouldn't happen and probably doesn't happen to your normal Joe. I may just ask him if we can change our date to Thursday, not be so back to back with our outings.. just to give me some peace of mind. It may tip him off, but if I don't get the time I need to adjust to all of this, I'll end up running him off anyway.

I may need to be put on medication.. but I don't think my problems are physiological, they are psychological. I've e-mailed a friend who works as a sch.ool counselor and asked her if she could recommend someone. Hopefully she can help.. if not, she's one of the nicest people I've ever met and she would help me out as much as she could. If only she practiced, she's exactly the type of person I'd look for in a counselor! If anyone reads this, thanks for listening!