Time to Update

To be honest, I kind of completely forgot about blogging.

Things have been going really well. Life has not been one struggle after another, but more of what I think it should be like. More fun moments than sad, more laughs than tears, more hope than despair.

I still have quite a bit to work out in therapy with V, but for once it actually feels as though this will eventually have an end rather than just feeling so overwhelmed by my issues that I couldn't find a beginning or end.

The biggest change in my life is that I've started fostering cats through the humane society. I started volunteering there this summer when I had to put my sweet 20 year old kitty to sleep and have gone up the ranks pretty quickly. I am loving it!

I got my first foster kitty by accident. She and her 4 sisters were abandoned because of some really bad circumstances with the lady who owned them. They were able to find homes and placements for all but Precious, who I ended up taking in somewhat of an emergency situation. She was about 8 years old and I had great luck in finding her a wonderful family in less than 6 weeks, which is almost unheard of given her age and her coloring.

My most recent foster kitty I got after Christmas break when her owners gave her back because they were going through a divorce (I don't get why that means you abandon your pet, but whatever). Caroline was very afraid (I'm thinking there was a lot of yelling in her old home) but warmed up to me and my kittens quickly. Caroline got adopted on Tuesday this week, which again was extremely fast! My supervisors keep asking me if I'm some sort of magician! ;)

Our adoption coordinator is setting me up with a new placement tomorrow. She often goes to the shelter and rescues the pregnant ones or others that are in danger of not being adopted and put to sleep. I'm getting a 5 month old black male and I'm so excited! Black cats are the absolute hardest to adopt out (which is crazy because they are just like any other cat) but I'm hoping that since I've had such luck that I'll find this little guy a home quickly!

My kitties just turned 9 months old this week. They are getting so big! I LOVE them. They both have such great personalities and are so laid back. They haven't had an issue with the foster cats coming in and out, they just go with the flow!

Learning To Be A New Me

It has been a long time since I have felt drawn to my blog. In fact, it wasn't long ago that I thought I'd never blog again.

Funny how life turns out the exact opposite as you expect it at times. Like all of 2011...

These past three months have been quite weird for me. I was in a vacuum. I was literally incapable of connecting with the "former me", the me I'd become so accustomed to over the past 14 years. The abused, broken, hopeless, forever-destined-to-live-life-in-pain me. But these past few months have offered me a quite different perspective of myself. By default I've learned how to live in the moment, react immediately to emotional situations, and enjoy the happy moments in life.

It's like I was reborn into this new person who had to learn what to do, because most of my former coping skills and mechanisms for life suddenly became unusable... and to tell you the truth, I hated it. I hated not feeling like myself. I hated feeling so out of place and uncomfortable. I hated not knowing how I was going to react to things since my normal "put on a happy face and stuff it, maybe deal with it later" routine was not accessible. When I hate things or disagree with things, I dig in my heels and fight against it with everything I have.

But over the past month or so, my heels let up a bit and I've started to feel more comfortable with this "new" me. This me that is really starting to believe that I deserve all the things I've been working towards, rather than just going through the motions. This me that for the first time since I was 13 years old, has hope for my life.

Balance

Geez, these last few months have been an absolute blur. I have been so busy with work and this new thing called "balance" in my life. Previous to my meltdown in January, I worked and stayed home. That was my life. Now that I have found stability with my depression and moods, and actually want to go out, I'm much more busy than I am used to!

Most days I make myself leave work no later than 5, work out 2 or 3 times a week, and have dinner with at least one friend during the week. On the weekends I am trying to make sure that I have one thing planned ahead of time to do for myself, whether it's going shopping for a new pair of shoes, movies with a friend or just an hour to lay out by the pool.

It's crazy. I never thought that I could be happy being so busy. I was always terrified of not having time to be at home, by myself, to sleep all day, or to cut. But I'm finding that as I'm making more of an effort to surround myself with people who I truly trust and WANT to be around, I am okay with giving up "my" time for "us" time.

It's a baby steps process though. I still give myself permission to hole up at least one night a week so I can have my alone time. I still feel the most comfortable when I am alone, but as I'm building stronger relationships that is slowly changing. Some weekends I still find myself wanting to sleep all day Saturday (because I can!) and not make the effort to connect with anyone. That is still a struggle. The little voice in my head keeps telling me I deserve my time, but it's a fine line I have to keep my eye on to make sure it doesn't turn back into socially withdrawing and feeding the depression.

I've felt very disconnected from the abused side of me since I left IOP a month ago and returned back to normal life. At first it was so frustrating to me because that has been my only side since 2008 and I felt like I didn't even know who I was. I hated it. I felt so uncomfortable without that weight inside of me that I have grown so accustomed to. After a while I found that I actually was able to enjoy things that I hadn't in such a long time. I felt light, clear-minded and happy. For the first time in YEARS, I did something for someone else. I actually thought of someone else first and wanted to do something for them... and not only that, I was excited to do that! Before I was so buried in my own pain I rarely even noticed what was going on with other people, let alone think about their pain and how it might be affecting them.

But in the back of my mind, I see this guillotine raised above me, just waiting for something to come swooping in, cut the rope and send the blade back down on my life. I don't ever want to be thrown back into the depths of darkness like I was when this first happened in 2008, and again this last January. I don't want to put myself in a position where I don't see it coming, or can't act in time to keep myself safe.

I went out on a date last night for the first time in almost 2 years... and I actually enjoyed myself. I wasn't in my head, freaking myself out about the what if's and trying to predict the future. I was just there, in the moment and it was great! I had such a blast and really liked hanging out with this guy.

The ride home, however, was not great. The smile on my face faded after about 5 minutes and my weight suddenly reappeared. I honestly don't remember driving home after that. I remember focusing on trying to keep the memories and old habits, thoughts, feelings from taking me over. I know I had a panic attack. But the 20 minute ride home is a black hole... and I got home and had to put just about every strategy I learned from IOP into play just to keep myself afloat. After about an hour I was able to pull myself out of it and calm down enough to go to bed.

I'm feeling better this morning, but am more afraid of life today. I feel the guillotine blade on the back of my neck and I'm afraid to move. But I'm not going to let this discourage me. My life is new now, and I've got to re-learn how to live with my scars.

For The First Time In Months

I'm almost afraid to write this, lest I jinx myself.

For the first time in MONTHS I am feeling like myself. Not lost in the depths of depression or in the throes of anxiety, but dare I say, content.

For the first time since Christmas, I actually got together with my friends. I didn't cancel and stay locked in my apartment. I even had fun! I didn't feel scared to be out, or anxious to be surrounded by so many people. I didn't even want to leave like I so often do after about an hour. I am even going out to dinner tonight with another group of friends.

It's almost like the past 2 months didn't even happen and I'm just waking up from a bad dream. I am still very emotional about my dad and the situation regarding his health. He has been moved out of ICU and is out of the woods as far as death goes, but he is still having a hard time staying alert. He is only awake maybe 4 hours a day, and is often very withdrawn during that time. He recognizes people and has what the doctors call "automatic speech". Meaning he can talk to you easily using speech that is embedded in the brain from frequent usage; like hello, goodbye, please, thank you, etc. He has a harder time trying to construct longer sentences, but can if you don't overwhelm him.

I am so thankful that he is no longer in any danger of dying, but now I'm having to come to terms with all of this change. It may take years for him to fully return to where he was before all of this happened. He may be the same person, he may not. He may have deficits, he may not. Lots of unknowns. I started crying when I was driving the other day because I realized that when I flew out there in a few weeks that he wasn't going to pick me up at the airport like he always does. He wouldn't give me the huge hug and greet me with "Hi Punkin", like he always calls me. It's a lot to have to take in.

Given everything that's happened in the last couple of months, I am so grateful for where I am right now. It's nice to finally see the hard work I've been putting into my healing us finally paying off.

It Can't Get Any Worse, Right?

So 2011 has pretty much sucked 100% since it started. It's one of those things that I silently think to myself "It can't get any worse" but then catch myself because I know that's not true. Every few weeks it seems I'm being dealt another situation to deal with in addition to the extreme burden I'm already carrying around. I am just now able to process the last two weeks enough to sit down and write about it.

My sister and I flew out to California on Saturday morning, as we couldn't get anything sooner because of the weather here. We arrived and took a cab to the hospital, greeted by my uncle. My dad had surgery late Friday night that lasted 10 hours, but was successful. It fixed his aneurysm and he was conscious and responding to commands once he woke up from anesthesia. We stopped in the cafeteria to eat when my aunt (who is a doctor) came running into the cafeteria and told us to come upstairs that my dad was no longer responding to commands or talking and she didn't like how things were looking. They were getting ready to rush him to CT and she wanted us to have the opportunity to see him, should anything happen.

It was horrible. He was restrained (because brain injuries often result in uncontrolled/involuntary aggression as a side effect to the trauma) and had tubes everywhere. As a result of the surgery, his whole head was bandaged and his right eye looked like someone had punched him. Apparently that is common because of how they had him situated when they did the surgery. Blood pools in that area and makes the patient look like they lost a street fight. My dad has never been sick aside from bronchitis every now and then, so this hit me like a ton of bricks. I grabbed his hand and asked him to open his eyes. He was only able to open one (as the other was swollen shut) but he looked right at me. I told him I loved him and that I wanted him to be strong.

That was the last time he was conscious. The result of the CT showed that he was having a common side effect of brain trauma and surgery, called vaso-spasming: a constriction of the blood vessels in the brain. If they constrict too much, they cause strokes and irreparable damage. Because of how quickly this came on and how much it caused him to decompensate, his doctors decided to put him in a medically induced coma and intubate him so his body would have time to heal without having to otherwise work so hard. I almost lost my father Saturday.

Sunday they were working on getting his blood pressure stable on the cocktail of medicines he was on while trying to treat the vaso-spasms. He had two procedures Sunday and was put on a ventilator. When I finally got to see him, I wanted to cry. They had to shave his beard in order to intubate him. I have NEVER seen my dad without a beard. He has had it since 1975, almost 10 years before I was born so I've seldom even seen pictures of him without it, unless he was a teenager. I know it was stupid, but I was so distraught.

Monday and Tuesday were pretty much the same. He was still unconscious and intubated, and my sister and I only got to see him for about 30 minutes each day. Our flight back was Tuesday and I was scared to leave. He hadn't really made any improvements since we got there and I was scared that he was going to get worse. When I went in there to say goodbye to him I just lost it. My aunt was in the room with me and just held me as I wept. The past 4 days had finally caught up with me and I couldn't hold it in any longer. She's got great bedside manner and knew exactly what to say to me to make me feel better. Knowing she was staying there with my stepmom for as long as necessary made me feel so much better as well.

My sister and I got back late Tuesday night, right in time for another ice storm. Everything was closed Wednesday so I couldn't return to IOP, but I did go Thursday. I can honestly say I was terrified to go because I didn't want to talk about the past week. I was about to fall apart and I knew it. But my IOP counselor prompted me to share with the group why I had been gone (I had been in contact with her so she already knew) and I just lost it. I cried and cried and felt like crap when I left. I was so drained and depressed that I couldn't get myself out of bed Friday to go to IOP, but a call from my aunt later that day raised my spirits.

They were slowly lifting my dad out of his coma to test his brain functions and he was moving his arms and legs and was able to show two fingers when the doctors asked him to. They kept him under extreme sedation for the rest of the weekend, but my aunt called me this morning saying that he's opening his eyes, responding to questions with nods (he still can't talk because he's still on a ventilator), moving arms and legs and following commands. They will probably take him off the ventilator tomorrow and if he keeps improving at this pace, they'll wean him off all the medications he's on and he could be out of the ICU by next Sunday!

He still has a long road ahead of him. They won't be able to tell how all of this affected his brain until he has some time to gain consciousness. He had a small stroke as a result of the vaso-spasming and the place it was located in his brain is responsible for mood and impulsiveness. Unfortunately those two are already affected with brain trauma, but adding a stroke in that area means that there is a good chance he may act different than he did before. It's likely that he will be able to walk without any problems (after some physical therapy to gain back the muscle mass he's lost/will lose after being bed-ridden for about a month) and talking might or might not be affected. It's all a waiting and patience game at this point, but it appears that he is no longer critical.

It has been a crazy couple of weeks, no doubt. I was glad to be back at home, even though I wanted to be there for my dad. I kept trying to tell myself that my dad would want me to be here, taking care of myself and trying to get better. That's the mantra I keep repeating to myself. I spent Friday to myself, resting and trying to work on my mood. I called a friend who lives a few hours away and asked him a favor. He used to be in the Army and when he was deployed overseas, I cared for his dog. The most sweet, lovable dog I have ever known. I asked him if I could come pick him up and have a little dog therapy time since these past few weeks have been so hard. I was delighted to hear that he would be glad to let me take him for a while! That helped lift my spirits, too. Finally things were going in the right direction and Friday night I was actually a little happy.

Cue catastrophe. My cat, who is pushing 20, came into the living room where I was watching TV, jumped on the sofa like she normally does, sat there for a second then started having a seizure. She has NEVER done that before and it was terrifying. She took a header off the couch onto the floor and started making these horrible noises while she was convulsing. It seemed to last forever, but after about 90 seconds she stopped. She laid there for a while then I tried to get her to stand up, which she did somewhat drunkily. After about 5 minutes she started walking and went straight to her food bowl and started eating. She was acting perfectly normal. Of course this was at like 11 at night, so there was nowhere I could take her to get her checked out. I woke up early Saturday and took her to my vet, who looked her over and took some blood. It should be back tomorrow. There's a possibility that this was caused from a thyroid problem, diabetes or liver issues. If all that comes back normal it may just be a fluke. Every time the vet sees her he comments how she is the healthiest cat he's ever seen at her age. Hopefully that will continue to be true. I don't know if I could handle losing her now.

Life is so overwhelming right now I almost can't even think about it all at once. That's why I waited so long to write here because I didn't want to trigger myself into having a panic attack. I'm doing my best to take it day by day, sometimes even hour by hour. Having my sweet little boy back definitely is helping. We went to the park today and enjoyed the fact that the sun was out for the first time in what feels like months. It was just what I needed. He's the best therapy I could ask for!

Update

Gallbladder surgery tomorrow. Will be MIA a little while longer.

Happy Easter!

Ugh... spring is so busy! I have less than 3 weeks until our next evaluation; basically what the whole year leads up to. Start panic mode! Well, not panic but definitely hectic mode. Had a lot of drama at work lately. One of my co-workers stabbed me in the back, that two-faced #(&*@. You could say I got in "trouble" because of it, but basically I just got talked to because of what my boss heard. The fact that she relies on gossip as a source of punishment just tells you the type of person I work for. Thankfully something else huge came up with another employee so I can guarantee my little tiff over taking a personal day is the last thing in her mind now. Friday ended with her screaming in the office.

Counseling has been going well. I was able to go in without any anxiety last week. I've never had that clarity of thought before during a session. I wasn't afraid to talk about anything, which was definitely a change. We got talking about some things that I have never discussed, so it was new, but I was proud of myself. During our discussion, she asked me what I would do if I ever ran into him, to which I replied that I never allow myself anywhere near where he is so that won't happen. That got us on the topic of my need to track him because I don't feel safe. She asked if he was on the sex offender registry, which he is, and if she minded if she pulled his page up. That was really the only time I felt anxious. I have managed to blur his face from my mind and seeing his picture just brings forth a lot of pain for me. This week is going to be taking me to a place I've never been to... and for once I feel strong enough to handle it. Let's hope I'm right.

My body has been taking a big hit with the stressors in my life recently. I've been suffering from back pain since January, so I started seeing a massage therapist to help. It provided temporary relief, but overall kept getting worse. Last week I went to a chiropractor and have started treatment with her. I have a pinched nerve, partially bulged disc and many misalignments causing the plethera of ailments (knots, spasms, pain, etc) I've been suffering. She said had I waited much longer I would have been on the road to damage that could have only been fixed through surgery. It's crazy. I'm only 25 for crying out loud!

My life the next month is going to be super busy with last minute preps for our evaluations, my regular duties, counseling on Tuesdays, massage 2x a week and the chiro 4x a week. Don't expect too many updates!

Sorry!

I can't believe it's been over a week since I last posted!

My cousin flew into town Friday night from Cali.for.nia. Her flight was delayed 4 hrs and we did not end up getting home til 2AM!! We hit the spa the next day, had a late lunch with my mom, did some shopping and went to the game Saturday night. Sunday we slept in, watched some House and Law & Or.der:SV.U then went out to meet some friends. We stopped to see my sister, who happened to be in the same city we were in that night then went home. I had to go back to work on Monday, so she stayed home to work on paper she had for midterms. I dropped her off at the airport late Monday night and have been so busy the rest of the week.

My session Tuesday was scary. Scary because I am starting to realize what exactly I am going to have to confront in order to begin "moving on" and the idea of doing it makes me want to run away. I e-mailed her later on that night and told her just how much I was freaking out and she gave me some good tips to hold me over til our next session. Now that I've had time to simmer down, it's back to being no big deal, but I know as soon as I cross that threshold on Tuesday I will be a nervous wreck. Wednesday was a late night because we had a meeting after work, then I had to get to the gym. Last night I left as soon as I could to have time to workout and enjoy some TV time at home. My Tivo is almost 100% full and I just can't find the time to watch anything! Today was a good day, all things considered. I was scheduled for a 30 minute massage (all she had time for) but ended up staying for an hour and a half because I had so many knots in my back and hips and she kept saying she did not want me to be in pain all weekend. Gosh I love her. Not only that, but she insisted on only charging me the original fee. So I got her back with a huge tip ;)

My new bed is being delivered Sunday, so after I hit the gym tomorrow I will be getting good use of my Bed, Bath and Beyond coupons for a new mattress pad and sheets! Have a good weekend!

Does a year change everything?

So it's been almost a year since I've posted.. and not much has changed. Life as I knew it completely fell apart the last 2 weeks of 2007. I could barely function, having constant panic attacks and extreme depression. I was put on medication and was able to pass as "functioning" to most people. Only C really knew what was up... and had she not been there for me, I probably wouldn't be here today. January, February and March were awful still. I continued going to counseling and made some progress but it was so hard. I never felt really connected to her, so I didn't share a lot of things I should have. April and May picked up and I started feeling more like myself. I was in Europe for half of the summer, and Cali.forn.ia for the rest. I finally started feeling more like myself! No panic attacks, no depression!

August rolled around and I had a new challenge. I was moved to a different department and had to "find myself" among a new set of co-workers. Thankfully they are a great group, and I absolutely love it (when I swore to myself I was going to hate it!!). Things were going good (as good as denial can be) until my grandpa died. C warned me that death has a way of bringing back things you think you have buried, but she was right... the PT.SD came back with a vengeance and I started having panic attacks again. I knew I needed to get back into counseling, but with someone new. She helped me research people who were trained in the type of trauma recovery I need, and I started seeing a new counselor the last week in October. Somewhere in the mix, I've found out that the PT.SD/anxiety has started triggering physical reactions. I passed out at work one week after having a sudden onset of rapid heartbeat and spiked blood pressure. Went to the doctor, bloodwork and MRI produce nothing. Had the same thing happen last week, had an EKG today and it came back completely normal but that leaves my subconcious triggering these physical reactions. I talked to my doctor about possibly being put back on anti-anxiety meds (since I stopped taking any medication in March) and she recommended I go see a psychiatrist. I'm going to think about it...

November was rocky... I hit one of the lowest points ever and contemplated checking myself into the hospital. I should have been talking to C, but I just couldn't. I'm sick of only having these awful, depressing conversations with her. I want to be able to be happy and not unload my burdens onto her. She has a lot on her plate too. Things are somewhat stagnant right now. I have good days and bad days, although this week has been touch and go. I had to excuse myself from a meeting to go in the bathroom to ride out a panic attack. Those days are not fun.

Christmas can't get here fast enough...

P.S. I've joined a new gym and will be working a new circuit in hopes to lose more weight. I've gained 15 lbs since I started my career in 2006 and I absolutely hate my body right now. Ugh.