Hatred

All I want to do is cry. Life was going along pleasantly, then nothing happened. No trigger, no event.

Feeling that something was going to erupt inside myself, I grabbed my journal, turned on the shower and curled up on the bathroom floor (old habit to "escape") and just let my pencil do the driving. What I was left with is sheer hatred of who I am. I want nothing more than for someone to agree with me. To tell me I am this awful person who deserves everything she got. It takes too much energy to hope that there is good underneath all of these flaws. Too much energy to fake the good to balance it with the bad.

I feel empty and alone today.

A Quiet Minute

My life has been a constant flurry of activity these past few weeks. Only now am I able to sit down with no distractions and write about things going on in my life right now.

Work: I am amazing. Got some results back that put me at the top of my co-workers in the same category. Woo!!

Summer Plans: This will be the first summer in 3 years that I will not be in Pa.ris. I am bummed :( My college buddy and I are going to NY.C from June 11-15. Family reunion in Colo.rado from June 18-23. Annual summer trip to Ca.li to visit my dad; sometime in July. Road trip to Hou.ston to see the girls I graduated the education program with; sometime in July.

Health: MRI last week gave the severity of my bul.ging disc, still within the treatable range for chiropractic care. Started anti-inflam.matories this week and am seeing some relief. Hopefully allowing those muscles around my spine time to relax will help with my healing. Not sure what I'm going to do if this doesn't work.

Family: It's almost been a month since my cousin died. Thinking about her makes me mad at the world for not making sense.

Counseling: I've so overloaded lately that my normal introspective nature has taken a holiday. I have not been thinking about or looking into things that I really should be. That being said, my homework for this last week was to identify a thought every day that fit into a list of beliefs I have (however untrue or unrealistic) and while I didn't come up with one every single day, the few that I did were loaded with history. One, involving my last relationship (using the term loosely), is something I have never talked about in depth with anyone. To say I felt anxious about discussing anything doing with intimacy would be an understatement. I'm not even sure if I took a breath the whole time. Even though I felt safe and trusted that I was going to be supported, it was a definite leap out of my comfort zone.

I have writer's block. My mind is thinking a million things but nothing complete enough to form sentences or even make sense. UGH. I hate processing through so much stuff.

Blur

Man alive, these last two weeks have been a blur. I don't even remember what I did last week to tell you the truth.

My best friend and her baby stayed with me this week. They were supposed to stay Monday and Tuesday night, but because of some selfish acts on the part of her husband they were forced to stay another unscheduled night. I loved having her and the baby, but her mom and husband were a little much to deal with in my little one bedroom apartment. Wednesday I had an MR.I to find out the severity of the problems with my back, since treatment wasn't giving me the progress that is normally seen in the time I have been going. Thankfully I do not have a bulging disc past 5mm in progression according to the scans, but apparently mine is pressed up against the nerves in my back and is resistant to improve.

I am at the point where I am almost disgusted with myself. My weight continues to climb and my motivation continues to drop. I haven't been working out at an intensity that will really help me lose weight because it almost always causes me to slide backwards in progress with my back. I have been allowing myself to mindlessly eat, with no regards to the reason except boredom. I am sad, and I hate myself for letting it get this bad. I've gained 15 lbs in the last 18 months. Ughhhh. Thankfully my clothes still fit nicely, but I have got to get this under control.

Too many good season finales on tonight to spend more time on here... hopefully I can catch up on blog reading this weekend!

Free Food

It's Workers Appreciation Week, i.e. make Lily fat week. Free Chi.ck-Fi.l-A today, but at least I put my chicken in a salad when I got home. We also had catered breakfast this morning. I was strong and didn't go into the workroom, so what do they do? Bring it into the copy room. Ugh, those 2 donuts I did not need. Thursday they are catering lunch for us, but I never go down there for lunch so I should be good.

I'm still feeling somewhat pessimistic and grouchy overall. I think part of my problem is that I haven't been able to workout (per doctor's orders). I found out today that in addition to the previous diagnosed problems (L5-S1 bulging disc, pinched nerves and sciatica) that I now have a rib sublux.ation that has been causing the pain in my upper back/shoulder blade. Breathing hurts, even sleeping hurts. To add onto all that, I have come down with a lovely cold and have been coughing all day. Ouch.

Counseling today was a lot more insightful than I expected it to be. I was not in the mood to be reflective on anything, but it doesn't take long for me to feel comfortable and forget that I wanted to hold back. We went over my homework from a few weeks ago (T's sudden death took the front page the last two weeks) over my perspectives of life. Wow was that a depressing list to read. They don't seem so bad when you think them one by one, but listed out on paper it is very revealing to how I think. Looking at lists like that is very overwhelming to me because somewhere in the back of my mind I think that the only way I can make any progress is to completely change the way I think and act. Heaven forbid something is a small change... it can't work if it isn't a huge, drastic thing right? Heh. Hearing her say that I don't have to change the way that I think about everything was very comforting to hear and not something I would have ever thought was possible really. I need to work more on taking what I think and not generalizing it to every person and situation... that is where I struggle. And that is my homework for next week. Should be interesting.

Goodbye

I had to say goodbye to a dear friend today. I call her my second mom. :) She is the one who I went to when my life fell apart in December 2007. She was the only person I felt I could trust, including my family. She was there for me every day, to listen, to comfort and to advise me. She is my guardian angel and I probably wouldn't be here now if it weren't for her intervention. I love her so much and am so sad that she is leaving, but it was fate that brought her to the place where our paths met and I am so thankful to God for putting her in my life. I can't even put that into words... I am going to miss her so much.

Good riddance to April, it has been the worst month ever.

A Pain Like No Other

I was woken up at 5AM on Tuesday, April 21st by a phone call from my mother. I knew it wasn't good because she never calls me that early. I thought my grandmother or grandad had died; they are both in such poor health. But no...

My 13 year old cousin died. In the fog of being half-awake all I could respond with was "WHAT?!" I could not believe what she was telling me...

On April 1st, T was diagnosed with leu.kemia. She had been having very bad pain in her leg so she was taken to the doctor and they thought it was just muscle strain. A few days later her leg swelled up, so they sent her to the hospital and made the diagnosis. Her friends all thought it was an April Fools' joke. Thankfully it was the treatable form and she started che.mo right away. She was put into remission on Friday (17th) and we were all so thankful. Her che.mo had done an amazing job, and thanks to some blood transfusions she was feeling so much better. Over the weekend she started feeling bad, but by Monday she was in a lot of pain again so they took her back to the hospital.

Arriving, her blood pressure was 60/20. They ran some bloodwork and found out she had a very aggressive infection: staph. They tried to give her antibiotics, but her little 90 lb body couldn't handle the stress of the infection, the chemo and the strong antibiotics. They put her on a ventilator to try and help her body rest, but her heart stopped around midnight. They continued CPR on her for almost 2 hours, but she just wasn't strong enough.

I have spent the rest of the week driving back and forth from my home to my aunt and uncles (about 45 minutes away) every day after work. Yesterday was the funeral and probably the worst day of my life. My cousin was such a sweetheart. Granted because she was almost 12 years younger than me, we weren't as close as some of my other cousins, but we saw each other often and had lots in common, like the fact that we were the only ones with red hair :) Watching the videos of her life, hearing things about her from her friends and watching my aunt and uncle say good-bye to their only daughter is something I will never forget. I held it together pretty well until they went up to her coffin and my aunt started sobbing. I have never cried so hard in my entire life. I just leaned over to my mom and wept in her arms. The pain we are all feeling is too great to describe.

"If I should go tomorrow it would never be good-bye,
for I have left my heart with you, so don't you ever cry.
The love that's deep within me, shall reach you from the stars,
you'll feel it from the heavens, and it will heal the scars."

OK, so I lied...

I told you not to expect another post so soon... but alas, here I am.

Counseling today was very eye-opening. I had written about the things I think that cause me to blame myself for the abuse and the things I think that cause me to blame him. The lists were very lobsided, with most of the blame falling on me and when asked to present a counter argument to most of them, I had trouble voicing why it wasn't my fault. Logically I know these things, but to change what you know into what you feel is very hard. We discussed why I started blaming myself as opposed to blaming him, and it all boiled down to the fact that in order to survive my life as a 13 year old, blaming myself was much safer than blaming him. What I did and the choices I made were out of self-preservation and as that was the healthiest thing I could have done at the time, it has infiltrated in so many aspects of my life that are now churning out unhealthy responses. So in order to combat that, I've got to examine my philosophies on myself, my family, my friends, God, the world... everything. I've got to re-learn what is really the truth and what I convinced myself was true in order to survive. Hard work.

Happy Easter!

Ugh... spring is so busy! I have less than 3 weeks until our next evaluation; basically what the whole year leads up to. Start panic mode! Well, not panic but definitely hectic mode. Had a lot of drama at work lately. One of my co-workers stabbed me in the back, that two-faced #(&*@. You could say I got in "trouble" because of it, but basically I just got talked to because of what my boss heard. The fact that she relies on gossip as a source of punishment just tells you the type of person I work for. Thankfully something else huge came up with another employee so I can guarantee my little tiff over taking a personal day is the last thing in her mind now. Friday ended with her screaming in the office.

Counseling has been going well. I was able to go in without any anxiety last week. I've never had that clarity of thought before during a session. I wasn't afraid to talk about anything, which was definitely a change. We got talking about some things that I have never discussed, so it was new, but I was proud of myself. During our discussion, she asked me what I would do if I ever ran into him, to which I replied that I never allow myself anywhere near where he is so that won't happen. That got us on the topic of my need to track him because I don't feel safe. She asked if he was on the sex offender registry, which he is, and if she minded if she pulled his page up. That was really the only time I felt anxious. I have managed to blur his face from my mind and seeing his picture just brings forth a lot of pain for me. This week is going to be taking me to a place I've never been to... and for once I feel strong enough to handle it. Let's hope I'm right.

My body has been taking a big hit with the stressors in my life recently. I've been suffering from back pain since January, so I started seeing a massage therapist to help. It provided temporary relief, but overall kept getting worse. Last week I went to a chiropractor and have started treatment with her. I have a pinched nerve, partially bulged disc and many misalignments causing the plethera of ailments (knots, spasms, pain, etc) I've been suffering. She said had I waited much longer I would have been on the road to damage that could have only been fixed through surgery. It's crazy. I'm only 25 for crying out loud!

My life the next month is going to be super busy with last minute preps for our evaluations, my regular duties, counseling on Tuesdays, massage 2x a week and the chiro 4x a week. Don't expect too many updates!

Look Who's Here!

D's little boy finally arrived :)

Journal Share

My session this week focused on my list that I posted a few posts ago, the quotes from the book that stood out to me. I was so terrified of talking about those quotes. I didn't go as in depth as I should have. *sigh* In addition to that we talked about any feelings of anxiety that I had in the past week, as almost all of my emotions show in the form of anxiety. I had sent her an e-mail last Tuesday night after my session because what we had talked about was very overwhelming to me, and I told her I felt the need to quit. When she asked me about this Tuesday, I told her I wished I hadn't sent her that e-mail at all. Now I feel like I can't quit seeing as I've brough attention to the fact that I want to. She told me I had a decision to make, whether or not I wanted to continue in the cycle I had been living the past 12 years or if I wanted to take a different path. I told her I had already made my decision... otherwise I wouldn't have shown up that day.

My homework for this week is to think about the decision I have made to move forward even though the work it is going to involve is going to be very hard. I am supposed to write down any fears, thoughts, ideas that enter my mind when I think about this. Oddly enough, I had already done this before Tuesday... when I was feeling so overwhelmed with everything.

"I want to run and hide. I want to pretend like nothing is wrong. I want to go back to feeling numb, because numb doesn't hurt. I feel as though everything I have done this past year has led me down this emotionally draining path with little to show for it. Now I'm coming face to face with the face that I really haven't been dealing with emotions at all, but that I have been repressing almost everything. So what is this pain I have been living with? Why do I feel as though I've been doing nothing but feeling, just to realize the opposite? If repression feels like this, what will feeling feel like? Opening the door to this is like an avalance on my soul. I don't know if I can withstand the weight."