John 14:27

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

I've been running from this for over 10 years. I'm tired. For whatever reason, I can't run this time. I've tried pushing it back as I've always done before but I can't. This last week has been bad for me, Thursday especially. I met up with RF again and had an anxiety attack when I got home. I'm not ready. I haven't come to terms with it. I can't trust anyone until I get some help.

I went and talked to C, the counselor for my students. I love that woman. She is like a mother to me. I have never met someone so amazing. She will do anything she can to help anyone, no matter what the cost. She is going to help me find someone that can help me move on.

There is a certain peace I have felt the past few days knowing that I'm ready to face this but it scares me a lot. I never made any progress in counseling before because I was never ready. I'm pretty sure I am now. I can't let this eat away at me forever. There is no shame in asking for help... and that was (still is) very hard for me to realize.


So yeah, it's been a while! It's been a busy few months!

I'm posting today because I need an outlet for my thoughts. I can't talk to anyone about these feelings.. although I'm considering going back into counseling. I just hope I can afford it with my medical insurance.

About 3 weeks ago, I started up a random My.Space conversation with someone from my HS. I didn't know them personally, but knew they went there. We chatted off and on for a week or so, which gradually moved to the phone and now in person. I go through the same motions. Excited for the first date, then most of the time I'm wishing the time away until I can go home and be in my comfort zone. Dating definitely makes me nervous. If only it were as easy as it seems for my friends, or on TV. The only time I remember not being nervous and enjoying my dates is with M.. but for whatever reason we stopped talking to each other and seeing each other. I tried striking it up again this summer, but the disinterest seems to be on his side, not mine. I was never panicky when I was with him... we went on 6 or 7 dates over the span of 3 months or so and I enjoyed them all.

The one before him, MiE and I went out twice. There was no spark there. I already felt trapped into conversations with him and once I told him I wasn't interested that panicky feeling immediately disappeared. I don't think that's how it's supposed to work.

Now, I've been out on one "date" with the new guy.. RF as I will refer to him, and one informal get-together. I just left the informal one, and feel panicked! He wanted me to ditch one of my Christmas parties so we could go out this weekend, but of course I'm like hell no (without actually saying that). So instead we are doing something Monday.... and he's calling me tonight. I realize this is just dating, but I'm feeling rushed and it's freaking me out again. I know I sabotage relationships with people (conciously and subconciously) when I start getting uncomfortable. It's the fact that I haven't dealt with my abuse properly and I have serious trust issues. I understand that. My hormones are compounding this issue as well. I'm at the peak of craziness, between being on my period, work being insanely stressful and this dating stuff, it's just wearing on me. I'm guessing I had a slight panic attack from thinking about too much stuff at once, all the stuff that could happen, that could go wrong, that might make me uncomfortable, etc and it just snowballed. But still, that shouldn't happen and probably doesn't happen to your normal Joe. I may just ask him if we can change our date to Thursday, not be so back to back with our outings.. just to give me some peace of mind. It may tip him off, but if I don't get the time I need to adjust to all of this, I'll end up running him off anyway.

I may need to be put on medication.. but I don't think my problems are physiological, they are psychological. I've e-mailed a friend who works as a sch.ool counselor and asked her if she could recommend someone. Hopefully she can help.. if not, she's one of the nicest people I've ever met and she would help me out as much as she could. If only she practiced, she's exactly the type of person I'd look for in a counselor! If anyone reads this, thanks for listening!