On the eve of the last day of 2008, I have been reflecting over the past year. If you would have asked me 5 years ago if I thought I would ever have a more difficult span of 12 months, my answer would have been "no way!" But now that I have lived through the past 12 months, I find it hard to remember what it is like to be "happy". My previous definition of happy had everything to do with denial of my past, being happy with how things were in the present and how things may have looked for the future. A year ago I was "happy". Now I am neither happy as I used to see it, or happy as it is now. I am sad. I am hurt. I am angry. I am fragile. I have chosen to be all these things alone.
No one truly knows how hard this year has been for me. I have chosen to shield them all from that, mainly for my own protection but to also for the protection of specific people. I have chosen to suffer in silence because I have been shown that I can't rely on the people who surround me. My family, most of my friends, etc. It's a very tough road to travel alone, but I honestly relish it most of the time. Without the eyes of others upon me, I feel free to do what needs to be done for me, not because I'm worried about how my actions will affect others.
This year has been the hardest of my life. I honestly don't think there will be a sequence of events that will have me suffer as much as I have in 2008. Part of this comforts me, but the more rational part of me realizes that with this much pain, there is that much healing necessary. 2009 will be a hard year, too... but in a different form. I will no longer be spiraling a point so low I thought I would never return, but will be working to pull myself away from rock-bottom to a point at which I can be happy again. Happy not as I used to know it, but happy as how God intended.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10
5 hours ago