I walked into the new T's office Saturday morning, nervous of course. My nerves were not from fear of what we were going to talk about, but rather of this not working out. I had built up in my mind how I wanted yesterday to go, and I was nervous I had set myself up for disappointment. She came out to greet me and walked me back to her office. It was a small room, filled with toys and books, as she works with a lot of families. The windows were open, letting the sunshine in. Two huge, overstuffed leather chairs were against one wall, a little table and lamp (and of course your necessary Kleenex box) in between them. I chose the one that faced the window. In case I needed to avert my eyes to regroup my emotions.
I sat down and did a quick "once-over". The best way I could think to describe her would be Italian. She has the dark hair/brown eyes/gorgeous skin that most Italian's do. She's skinny and short, in fact probably a little shorter than me, which is saying something. LOL. She's young. I'd guess no older than 35. But what she's wearing is the best. Black yoga pants, a black concert T-Shirt (maybe Maroon 5?) and a oversized brown sweater cardigan. Her shoes? Pink glitter Converse. I immediately felt at ease. She looked comfortable and settled. Ready to sit back and listen. Her whole self emanating "laid-back". A was always dressed to the 9's, and I always felt as if I needed to do the same just to fit in. Dressing up is a very rigid thing to me, so the casual thing was a breath of fresh air.
Everything felt easy with her. I didn't feel scared to tell her the truth about my family, how I view them, my cutting, how I am not content with my life right now, etc. I even cried. Me?! Cry in front of someone I just met? That's saying a lot folks. Granted a lot of that progress came from hard work with A but the fact that I didn't feel compelled to hold back is indicative of that "click". She had some amazing insights to things that I never thought of as far as why I've chosen self-injury as a coping skill, messages that were sent to me as a kid that pushed me towards that, etc. Things that I would have never thought about in a million years, but all of a sudden, made so much sense.
We ended up talking for an hour and 15 minutes. And didn't even realize it. Her next appointment actually called her phone wondering where she was... we had lost track of time. We were just about to approach the topic of my abuse, but she said she wanted to wait for our next session to do that as she felt like beginning the session with that would allow me to process everything I needed to in a safe environment and not be thrown out feeling like I had just opened a huge can of worms with no escape from all the little buggers. We scheduled two appointments for next week (one Wednesday evening, one Saturday morning) and I walked out of her office, into a world that suddenly seemed so much brighter and so much more hopeful.
God had answered my prayers in a way that I didn't even think was possible. Deep down I knew that God had a plan for me with this, and that I just had to be patient and keep praying, but I still worried that His plan for me was going to leave me wishing for and wanting more. But no, He knew what I needed and He gave it to me. And I am so grateful for the opportunity to continue to heal to become the person I want to be, and the person He created me to be.