The "Click"

You know what I'm talking about. You meet someone; a romantic interest, a new boss, a stranger on the bus, or in my case a new counselor and you feel it. The "click." Like you've known each other forever, you have "everything" in common and being around each other is not hard work. In fact, it's EASY.

I walked into the new T's office Saturday morning, nervous of course. My nerves were not from fear of what we were going to talk about, but rather of this not working out. I had built up in my mind how I wanted yesterday to go, and I was nervous I had set myself up for disappointment. She came out to greet me and walked me back to her office. It was a small room, filled with toys and books, as she works with a lot of families. The windows were open, letting the sunshine in. Two huge, overstuffed leather chairs were against one wall, a little table and lamp (and of course your necessary Kleenex box) in between them. I chose the one that faced the window. In case I needed to avert my eyes to regroup my emotions.

I sat down and did a quick "once-over". The best way I could think to describe her would be Italian. She has the dark hair/brown eyes/gorgeous skin that most Italian's do. She's skinny and short, in fact probably a little shorter than me, which is saying something. LOL. She's young. I'd guess no older than 35. But what she's wearing is the best. Black yoga pants, a black concert T-Shirt (maybe Maroon 5?) and a oversized brown sweater cardigan. Her shoes? Pink glitter Converse. I immediately felt at ease. She looked comfortable and settled. Ready to sit back and listen. Her whole self emanating "laid-back". A was always dressed to the 9's, and I always felt as if I needed to do the same just to fit in. Dressing up is a very rigid thing to me, so the casual thing was a breath of fresh air.

Everything felt easy with her. I didn't feel scared to tell her the truth about my family, how I view them, my cutting, how I am not content with my life right now, etc. I even cried. Me?! Cry in front of someone I just met? That's saying a lot folks. Granted a lot of that progress came from hard work with A but the fact that I didn't feel compelled to hold back is indicative of that "click". She had some amazing insights to things that I never thought of as far as why I've chosen self-injury as a coping skill, messages that were sent to me as a kid that pushed me towards that, etc. Things that I would have never thought about in a million years, but all of a sudden, made so much sense.

We ended up talking for an hour and 15 minutes. And didn't even realize it. Her next appointment actually called her phone wondering where she was... we had lost track of time. We were just about to approach the topic of my abuse, but she said she wanted to wait for our next session to do that as she felt like beginning the session with that would allow me to process everything I needed to in a safe environment and not be thrown out feeling like I had just opened a huge can of worms with no escape from all the little buggers. We scheduled two appointments for next week (one Wednesday evening, one Saturday morning) and I walked out of her office, into a world that suddenly seemed so much brighter and so much more hopeful.

God had answered my prayers in a way that I didn't even think was possible. Deep down I knew that God had a plan for me with this, and that I just had to be patient and keep praying, but I still worried that His plan for me was going to leave me wishing for and wanting more. But no, He knew what I needed and He gave it to me. And I am so grateful for the opportunity to continue to heal to become the person I want to be, and the person He created me to be.

Too Good To Be True?

I have felt so abandoned over the past 10 days. As soon as I left A's office, knowing it'd be the last time I'd see her for a while I felt panicked. I had already talked to another counselor in my area about transferring, and we had scheduled an initial appointment for that Thursday. I signed a waiver so that she and A could talk. Everything appeared to be in working order. She could treat me 2x a week, was close and was actually going to charge me less than A. Then all of a sudden she calls me and says she won't be able to fit me into her schedule after all. Cue panic.

Over the next 9 days, I researched almost 120 counselors in the area, and narrowed my search down to about 20. I either contacted them on the phone or through e-mail and they all were either not accepting new patients, could only see me once a week, or wanted to charge me $130/hr. I met with two counselors, one that was a former co-worker with A (and a nice 45 minute drive away) and another who worked out of her home (that was weird for me, and had I known this I wouldn't have scheduled the appointment!). A's friend was even more opposed to cutting than A. I really liked her style and personality but I'm not about to put myself in a similar situation where I'm forced into quitting, then thrown out by myself to figure out what to do next if I slip up.

I was starting to panic even more because I was running out of options. I swear I could have shut down the Google servers with all my searches, but in my searching I stumbled across a name that hadn't shown up in my previous searches. I looked over her trainings, and approaches and decided to e-mail her. She got back to me right away, saying she'd call me the next day during my break. She talked with me on the phone for about 20 minutes, telling me about herself and her approach to therapy. I really felt comfortable talking with her and her approach really seems like something I will benefit from. I told her a little bit about why I was looking for a new counselor and the debate/disagreements we had with the cutting. She was really supportive and understanding. She said she would never recommend that anyone intentionally hurts themselves, but when it is established at such a young age (I've been doing some form of SI since I was about 10) it's not something that you can just quit doing because someone wants you to. That right there put me at such ease. With someone fighting against me with it, it almost makes me want to do it more. She stays home with her kids during the day, then works in the late afternoon/evenings. She can see me as many as three times a week and on weekends. She said she likes checking in with her clients throughout the week via e-mail or phone to see how things are going. To her, her job is not just caring about someone for an hour, but helping them to put into practice what is talked about in that hour and following up on it. Wow. Seriously? Was I hearing this correctly?

So I'm thinking, surely there's a catch. She has to cost like $150/hr, right? But no, I lucked out again. She works on a sliding scale and is only going to cost me $15/hr more than working with A, still well under most fees for counseling. And the cherry on top? Her office is less than 2 miles from my house.

I am meeting her tomorrow for an intake session. I pray that she is as amazing in person that she is on paper (and on the phone).


Today = FAIL.

I sat in A's office and heard exactly what I expected to hear. I am being transferred to someone else for more intensive counseling until I can get the SI dealt with. I knew it was coming, so it softened the blow a little bit, but when I was sitting across from A, like I've done hundreds of times before all I could do was cry. Thinking about all she has done to help me when I couldn't help myself, teach me how to grow during those good times and to keep from falling as hard during the bad. Thinking about how walking out of her office meant I wouldn't be seeing her next week, or any other week in the near future. Thinking that I've lost the one person who really and truly cared about my safety and well-being, even if it meant making me angry. The one person that I knew I could tell anything to and not be judged.

And now I'm alone. Stuck in the position of trying to put a positive spin on a situation that has so many negatives pulling me in different directions. I want to view this as something good, something that has the potential to help me grow in an area that I have not allowed much if any change in, but all I can do is think of everything I'm losing by not being able to be treated by A anymore. Right now the bad feelings are far outweighing the good.

And to prove to myself that I didn't sacrifice everything I had for one night of cutting with my dull little cuticle scissors, I went out and bought some new razors and really made sure I did this right. Go hard or go home right?

God, I hate myself.

200th Post

A few months ago when I was throwing around ideas of what my 200th post would be about, I would have told you it was going to focus on my 2 year anniversary with A (coming up in just about 2 weeks), the growth that I've made, how happy and hopeful I was, etc. I wanted to focus on the positives.

But the sequence of events that has been the last 6 weeks of my life has left me barely hanging on, dodging the potholes of depression, dealing with the death of my grandmother, the consequences of my actions at work, the upcoming anniversary of the last time my life felt like this and my birthday (which on any normal day is a huge trigger for me). I've been fighting social anxiety tooth and nail, having to force myself to go places and be around people. I have been having small panic attacks come out of nowhere and wrestle me to the ground for a few minutes, then leave me broken for the rest of the day. I have had a horrible time sleeping, and the times I do get to sleep I have been woken up by nightmares and panic attacks that make it hard to go back to sleep. The last week has been the worst. Ever since I called my pdoc and asked her to transfer care back to my gendoc. What a jinx that was. A and I have been discussing my absolute aversion to my birthday and how anxious it makes me to even think about. I left her office Tuesday feeling extremely agitated physically... very on edge. I had finally worked my way back to feeling a bit better, then Saturday happened. This stupid "seriously-how-much-of-a-dramatic-child-can-you-be" trigger sent me into an emotional tailspin and I resulted to purposely inflicting pain upon myself. No blades or razors, but I have a feeling telling A on Tuesday is going to result in me having to find a new plan for treatment. I figured this would happen sooner or later since I was "forced" to push it to the side and it never got dealt with. And now it's showing it's ugly head again and I don't even care. I WANT to do it. I want to have that power again.

At a time when I have had such little control and power over so many aspects of my life at one time, I can control this. And the pull for me to go buy some new razors (since I threw mine away in May to get rid of temptation) is intoxicating. *sigh* Happy 200th post, what great growth I have made...

Drumroll, please!

Burning question: Do I still have my job?


I basically got a slap on the wrist, a mark on my yearly evaluation and the "privilege" of being able to weigh in/contribute to certain situations taken away, but aside from that I'm pretty much in the clear. This whole thing has left a very bad taste in my mouth, from the fact that someone I trusted had nothing better to do than to sabotage my job and private life and the fact that I feel that now that people know this happened, they don't trust my judgement or opinions. It's really frustrating... and being someone who obsesses over how people think of me, it's been a daily battle to not continuously let this bring me down.

My life has been a ridiculous blur of work. It has not been this bad in almost 4 years. I just cannot catch up. And if, for whatever reason I find that I am starting to get ahead something happens and I go right back to drowning.

My job is normally the positive light in my somewhat recently darkened life and this year it is causing so much more stress and pain than what I am used to. I've done a pretty good job "keeping my chin up" but I'm starting to feel the weight of it all. I haven't been sleeping very well unless it is medicine induced. I have been eating like crap because I have no time to cook (hello Chick-Fil-A!). My stomach has been giving me problems recently and I'm not sure if it's more from the crappy food or the stress.

I'm coming up on my birthday, which is always a testy time for me, as well as my 2 year anniversary with A. I have been slacking off with pushing myself in the area of therapy, but I just don't know how I can try to juggle one more thing.