I know I haven't been updating much, and it's honestly because I'm not sure what to say. My thoughts are stalled and I feel stuck. I don't know where I am supposed to go from here.
Session on Tuesday was very "basic", not really delving into anything intense but focusing more on what my next step to intensity is going to be. I am on the edge of approaching the spiritual grief I have kept hidden for so long. It is so frightening to me to try to step into this that I am dragging my heels.
Next session will be my one-year ann.iver.sary with A. I cannot believe it has already been a year. I think back to that day and remember just how out of control my life was and how terrified I was of my future. Man, that seems like such a long time ago, but at the same time when I think of the fact that it has only been a year, it's hard to wrap my head around! Towards the end of the session, we went over my intake form and re-assessed the things that I had written, such as my reasons for being there, my goals, and what I thought my focus needed to be in different areas (physical, emotional, spiritual, etc.) After just having discussed how hard I've worked and how much (she and) I feel I have changed, reading over my goals caught me off guard. I don't feel like I've made any huge strides towards the goals I had a year ago, even though I have done the hardest work in my life trying to confront my abuse and work through it. I still feel like the biggest reason I am in counseling is to deal with the effects of the abuse.
Not only that, now I'm thinking I'm wrong for having these feelings. I've worked hard! I've changed! How can this still be something I view as an issue? Why haven't I been able to take everything I've learned and live my life, be in a relationship, and be happy? Why is it when she read me that goal of being in a relationship I felt that all too familiar surge of terror? Maybe I haven't worked as hard as I thought. Maybe I haven't changed as much as I thought.
16 hours ago