The original assignment was to fill in the blanks from a popular 80's song, "When I'm Back on My Feet Again" by Michael Bolton. I've heard it many times before, in fact I think I even have it on my iPod, but never really listened to the lyrics. Given the dark place I was in a couple of weeks ago, A thought it only fitting to give me this assignment. I spent a lot of time on it, trying to figure out what I needed to get out on paper.
My title reads: "When I'm Able to Believe Again." 8 times I pose that hope.
When I'm able to believe again,
I'll walk determined down this path again
And you'll look at a smile again
And you'll see that I'm free.
Gonna hear the voice of reason,
Gonna hear the words of God
Won't be loud, won't be loud,
'Til I open my heart to Him.
When I'm able to believe again
Gonna feel this shame diminish,
Gonna pray for God's grace to fall on me,
One sweet day, one sweet day
I will deserve it,
When I'm able to believe again.
So A poses the somewhat obvious question for me to work on this week. What do I want to/need to believe? It was as if God delivered this answer to me as I was driving, because out of nowhere I stopped singing to the radio and it was just there.
I need to believe that someone can love me, as damaged as I am. Somewhere in the back of my mind I've decided that I am not worthy of anyone's love because of how I feel inside. I know my family loves me, but they "have" to. Part of me has even convinced myself that they loved the pre-abused, pre-messed up me and are obligated to keep doing the same.
But deep down I know that I won't let anyone love me until I can figure out how to love myself. Somehow that seems like the much harder thing to do.