I've been wondering what to blog about for my 100th post in 2009. I didn't want something trivial, but something that really spoke to those who read this blog and something that really came from within.
I've been somewhat disconnected these last two weeks, focusing more on getting through the last week of work, then heading out to spend time with my dad and stepmom, all the while having to get over the fact that my sister couldn't come with me. I got stuck in the vicious cycle of "should" statements and guilt, followed by bouts of entitlement.
"I should be journaling like A asked."
"But I don't want to. I've earned a week off where I am not constantly observing and analyzing my every thought and emotion."
And repeat. I'm not sure if my entitlement is warranted or if it my denial finding more clever ways of surfacing. Either way, I didn't journal a single day since I last saw A. I never really felt I had anything to journal about until Friday, when my sister picked me up at the airport. She hesitantly told me that she and her BF were patching things up (after a nasty break-up 6 months ago ending a 5 year relationship). This really took me off guard. I don't approve of her getting back together with him because I don't think he will change, but I didn't say anything to her that made her aware of my disapproval. I know she already seeks my approval, so I don't want to make her feel guilty for making choices in her life. She is an adult.
That being said, I could not let it go. I obsessed over it all weekend. Why is she doing this? More so, why do I care so much? Of course I care because she is my sister and I don't want her to get hurt, but this was something more. It took me a while to put my finger on it.
Envy. How green it is.
However unhealthy her relationship with him is, she has someone who cares about her. She has someone she calls her best friend and can talk to about anything. She is getting that back, and it was a sharp slap in the face. I've never had that. Of course, I've never been in a place where I could get that, but as scary as it is for me to acknowledge, I think I'm ready for that now. I'm ready for the best friend and confidante. I'm ready for the trust and emotional connection. Realizing this has brought out my old friend anxiety.
I am not ready for the physical connection.
I think about it and it almost brings me to tears. It made me want to cut this weekend. It has been the number one source of pain and unanswerable questions since Friday... and I don't think it is going away any time soon.
16 hours ago