Learning To Be A New Me

It has been a long time since I have felt drawn to my blog. In fact, it wasn't long ago that I thought I'd never blog again.

Funny how life turns out the exact opposite as you expect it at times. Like all of 2011...

These past three months have been quite weird for me. I was in a vacuum. I was literally incapable of connecting with the "former me", the me I'd become so accustomed to over the past 14 years. The abused, broken, hopeless, forever-destined-to-live-life-in-pain me. But these past few months have offered me a quite different perspective of myself. By default I've learned how to live in the moment, react immediately to emotional situations, and enjoy the happy moments in life.

It's like I was reborn into this new person who had to learn what to do, because most of my former coping skills and mechanisms for life suddenly became unusable... and to tell you the truth, I hated it. I hated not feeling like myself. I hated feeling so out of place and uncomfortable. I hated not knowing how I was going to react to things since my normal "put on a happy face and stuff it, maybe deal with it later" routine was not accessible. When I hate things or disagree with things, I dig in my heels and fight against it with everything I have.

But over the past month or so, my heels let up a bit and I've started to feel more comfortable with this "new" me. This me that is really starting to believe that I deserve all the things I've been working towards, rather than just going through the motions. This me that for the first time since I was 13 years old, has hope for my life.

7 comments:

Harriet said...
July 11, 2011 at 8:10 PM

Lily - so glad to see you back! I have been thinking about you, and worried about you too. I'm glad things are going well, it sounds like you have made great progress towards a more peaceful way of being.

Mary said...
July 11, 2011 at 9:09 PM

Hope is a wonderful thing...

I remember a quote from my first visual journal...it really was the beginning of a new journey.

"The second journey begins when we know we cannot live the afternoon of life according to the morning program."

sounds like there is some releasing going on.

grace and peace

sarah said...
July 12, 2011 at 6:48 AM

oh Lily...this is awesome...It takes time but it does happen. I always think growing emotionally is like what happens when my kids grow physically...we don't realize it until they put on last season's pj's. or pants and it's up to their ankles...wishing you more and more freedom....every day.

Being Me said...
July 12, 2011 at 9:24 PM

Some form of overhaul is always good for the soul...

Wishing you blessed healing.

BM

imaginenamaste said...
July 14, 2011 at 10:26 PM

Thanks for stopping by my blog :) I'm so glad to see that you are doing well, doesn't life and progress feel so amazing?

Just Be Real said...
July 16, 2011 at 10:30 AM

Lily, it is wonderful to see an encouraging post from you. Even though you have been a way a bit. Helps me along to see you are doing better. Safe hugs to you.

Lalita Shrestha said...
August 7, 2014 at 3:28 PM

Hi Lily

I came across your blog recently and can see that you have a wonderful blog which has inspired and helped a lot of people to move on from sexual violence. I’m sorry if my comment seems out of place but I couldn’t find an option to message you privately. I am a postgraduate student from the UK and I am currently researching the role of blogging for survivors of sexual assault. I would really appreciate it if you could spare a couple of moments to contact me as I am interested in using your blog as part of my research, and would like to provide you with more information. My email address is lalita.shrestha@stu.mmu.ac.uk.

Thank you so much for your time. Have a great day and I wish you all the best in your journey to healing.

Lalita