It gets better, but never really goes away...

For many reasons, winter is a hard time for me. I do believe I struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder to some degree plus all my prior breakdowns have happened during the winter months so that makes me absolutely dread this time of year.

I've added a new trauma to contribute to my stressors during this time as well: the dentist.

After a very traumatizing appointment this summer that resulted in a 20 minute episode of hyperventilation followed by my body finally shutting down and passing out, I have had some issues these last few weeks with nightmares and flashbacks as my upcoming cleaning approaches. 

Already being at a greater disadvantage this time of year plus dealing with a new issue has made it extremely challenging to stay on top of my moods. I had a couple days last week where, for the first time in years, I thought about suicide. Not as a means to an end but more as a means to let everyone know how done I am with this struggle. 

It's so frustrating because even as good as things are, it appears as though these issues are never going to go away. It's like cancer. Sure I'll go into remission, but it's only a matter of time before it comes back right? 

I haven't needed to meet with V much at all over the last 18 months. I see her maybe every 2 months unless something pops up that needs to be dealt with. I met with her last week after a series of nightmares that left me reeling. I was barely keeping it together at school and was a mess thinking about my upcoming appointment. As always she keeps me grounded in reality and helped me come up with a plan for next week but no matter what I do, there are always side effects of situations like this.

My anxiety was triggered to the point that I was staving off panic attacks for a series of 4 days. Aside from the dentist experience, I haven't had a panic attack in almost 18 months. When I get this upset, my past always slithers back in. Right on cue, I've been fighting some triggers and feeling the weight of shame return. 

It's so defeating to feel these things again. It's a lonely, horrible place to be stuck in your mind. Stuck in the past. Remembering why you are different than most of your friends. Why you can't be in relationships. Why you can't trust men. Then it makes you view life differently. Suddenly all you see are the people around you in love, the babies being born, the lives being lived. The flip side to that is then all you see is references and triggers to rape, abuse and fear. It's an awful way to live day to day. 

I toggle back and forth between keeping up the fight against letting this consume me (it's exhausting to constantly battle) and giving into the demons. So far they haven't won. We'll see if it stays that way.