Gratitude

I've been frustrated lately with my {perception of the lack of} progress with this most recent traumatic event. I can feel the weight of the experience inside me and even in spite of the physical recovery I've had since the accident, I feel like there has been no emotional recovery. I haven't allowed myself to process that day in its entirety because it just feels like too much to handle on my own. Even tonight when V asked about my internal reaction when she says "car crash", it elicits such an involuntary physical response that everything gets shut down before I have the chance to sit in it and understand my own feelings.

I do however understand that with the return of my rebellious and somewhat apathetic inner voice that my ego is taking the reins and preventing me from doing some of the work necessary to get the progress I want. It's such a battle between my normally in charge logical side and this damn ego. My ego is cocky and loud and persistent. It projects this feeling of safety behind the strength while preventing me from moving forward. Case in point:

Logic: I am having a hard time dealing with the fear and trauma from this car accident. It was frightening and it's no wonder I am having a hard time coping.

Ego: Your brother-in-law was in the car with you and he wasn't hurt and doesn't have any issues getting in a car to drive. Clearly you are being way too dramatic and need to calm the eff down. Drama queen.

Hard to process much when you can't even give yourself permission to own your own feelings. So in our work tonight, I pleaded for a way to carve a path for progress for myself. Emotional progress. Something that will allow me to throw the ego aside and learn/understand the true emotions that are swimming inside me right now.

Careful what you ask for.

I have this list of words I can't stand. They make me shudder and cause me to shut down a little when I hear them.

I also have this list of words that make my eyes roll. By list of words I mean just one. This one.

Gratitude.

That was V's answer for me.

What combats your ego and justifies your own feelings? Gratitude. What allows you to find joy in things that could easily be dismissed? Gratitude. What can help balance all the out of control feelings you can't quite understand? Gratitude.

Well hell. I suck at positive stuff. I suck at feeling positive stuff. I can identify it. I can acknowledge it. I hate to feel it. It seems conceited and showy and just plain wrong to flaunt something that is great in my life. Hey guys! Guess what! I have amazing friends and an amazing family and I am so grateful that they are in my life.

NAILS. ON. A. CHALKBOARD.

But I know she's right. You don't remove darkness with more darkness. You remove it with light. I just have to figure out how to "do" light... Can't be that hard right?