Staying Afloat

Session last night was all about my attempts to stay afloat. So much has happened/will be happening in the span of 3 weeks that I am just waiting to fall apart. And when I do, it will be bad. Part of me just wants to lie down and let it take over me. Why struggle and make it worse? Letting it consume me might just be easier. I'm so stressed and emotionally stretched right now I just don't know how much more I can handle.

Of course that unhealthy outlook is causing me to fall back on unhealthy coping mechanisms. I went almost a month without cutting, but relapsed on Saturday. And I didn't care that I did. I didn't even want to fight to stop. At this point, it doesn't seem worth it.

I'm beat down and I'm losing the will to fight.

But does A let me get by with that way of thinking? Of course not. Everything I'm learning is being called to put into practice. The reason I'm working so hard to make things better is for reasons like this. Changing during the really hard times has to be a conscious choice. I have to want to make it different. And of course I'm not there yet. I want to do what is easy, even though I know I have the tools to make it better.

Doing what is right is hard work.

10 comments:

Just Be Real/God Whispers In The Wind said...
April 14, 2010 at 7:56 PM

We are here with you dear! You have us to fall back on.

You hit it right on the head, "yes, you do have to want to make a difference." I know it is hard. Been there, and still am there.

But, you are stepping in the right direction, as you admit you know you have to want to do it.

But remember, you are not doing it alone. God and others are right along side of you.

(((((Lily)))))

5 Kids With Disabilities said...
April 14, 2010 at 9:06 PM

Doing what is right IS hard work. Give yourself a break. Do something relaxing without thinking about the stress and struggle. Get a massage. Go to a funny movie. Try to relax...
Lindsey Petersen

imaginenamaste said...
April 15, 2010 at 12:13 AM

I just wanted to tell you that I was thinking about you. Give yourself a little break--just b/c cutting happened once, doesn't mean it will happen again, A month is AWESOME.
You are right, changing is a hard--but important decision. If it was easy, we'd put our therapist out of work :)

Keep floating and typing. One step (stroke :)) at a time.

Rhonda said...
April 15, 2010 at 6:06 AM

Stay strong!!! If you feel that need to cut, as I so often do as well, email me! I'll even give you my cell in case you need to talk. You can beat it. Try not to let the pain win. I am so sorry that you are struggling right now. It seems like we all are hitting a rough patch in our recoveries at the same time. I will be thinking of you today sweety. HUGS!!!!!

sarah said...
April 15, 2010 at 6:44 AM

you'll get there...you're a fighter...reading your posts I see that fighter in you. In your corner...fighting with you. Sarah

Harriet said...
April 15, 2010 at 8:07 PM

It's very hard work, and sometimes we slip and take a little step backwards. But it's ok, we are human and we get back on the path to forward again.

Colleen said...
April 16, 2010 at 3:11 PM

You are not alone. Hugs.

Grace said...
April 16, 2010 at 6:07 PM

I slipped too last week.
it happens but we are still afloat.
we'l make it.

sarah said...
April 18, 2010 at 6:36 AM

popped back in to say hi...to tell you....you're the best...and to stay strong....

Just Be Real/God Whispers In The Wind said...
April 18, 2010 at 3:04 PM

Thinking about you Lily dear. ((((Lily))))