When it rains...

... it pours. And right now I'm drowning.

I don't even have words to describe how I feel right now. I'm so confused and upset that I don't know what to do with myself.

The conversation I had last night with the parent is still weighing heavily on me. I don't feel ready to do what I need to do. I wasn't expecting to still feel this way.

Tonight I was taken completely off guard by a meeting with our senior pastor to explain something that had come to light the night before with one of our members. I don't know what to do with it. I understand, yet I HATE it. I just don't get why. I don't agree with it at all.

I have been struggling with the decision to step down as a "leader" at Celeb.rate Rec.overy (loose term considering I don't really lead anything) for about a month now. I never really felt ready to step up to that position, but with the shift in leadership back in December I got swept up in it and thought I could do it. I have been struggling with feeling obligated to go to CR as opposed to wanting to go for the sole purpose of healing and growing closer to God. I have skipped out on most of the meetings within the past month because of this. I have felt so trapped. And when I feel trapped, I pull away. God gave me the opportunity to step down tonight in the midst of this unexpected meeting. I took it. I still have to get a placement in order, but I can already feel this is the right decision for me.

And after all of this coming to a head, I get a nasty message from my sister. I wasn't surprised by any means, but I was hopeful that we had reached a place where her jealousy and competitiveness would not interfere in our relationship. My sister is (undiagnosed) bipolar and does not live in reality, but rather her own world where I am constantly out to get her. She is extremely verbally abusive to me and knows exactly how to hurt me. I hate to say she is succeeding, but you can't argue with someone who doesn't live in reality. It's like trying to argue quantum physics with a 5 year old. She just doesn't understand. And every time I try to help her understand, I just end up getting hurt more. So now I'm left to wait for the next wave of guilt, shame and hatred to come my way.

Maybe if I sink far enough away, she won't hurt me anymore.


Laura..DancesWithTeddyBears said...
April 11, 2010 at 2:37 AM

It took me decades to heal, and I'll never really be, but I've learned to live and do ..for me. Not selfishly but honestly. Step down if you feel you need to, you come first. Family tensions can eat you up whole and sadly there's no easy way around them. We have no control over anyone but ourselves. We do the best we can.
..You're doing the best you can. You're trying. Be proud of your accomplishments, be proud of you.
Warmest Hugs,

Anonymous said...
April 11, 2010 at 6:41 AM

I am so sorry that others are threatened by your joy. ((Lily) I am sending you hugs.


Rhonda said...
April 11, 2010 at 11:38 AM

I am so sorry that you are facing this struggle right now. It is just one more thing you and I have in common. A few years ago, I was our praise & worship leader at church. There came a time when I didn't feel worthy of leading others because I was struggling leading myself! It took a lot of prayer, but I did hang in there until I decided to get my divorce. Sadly, I had to step down in a way that was shocking to me. My team didn't support my decision to divorce. I was stricken with such pain from their lack of support that it has left me bitter towards the church. So, I don't feel I had the opportunity to do the right thing step down as I had intended. Carefully pray about this before reacting sweety. Your situation is completely different than mine was of course. Keep your chin up and remember, you are a Princess......that daughter of God.

Catherine said...
April 11, 2010 at 1:18 PM

Lily, sounds like you are going through a lot of stress and pain right now. I don't know what to say other than that I am here listening.

Love, Catherine

Anonymous said...
April 11, 2010 at 8:15 PM

Hey, some days every thing goes wrong. Tomorrow will be better. Just hang in there!

Anonymous said...
April 12, 2010 at 12:59 AM

I wish I had some insights for you....but thinking about you!

Paula said...
April 12, 2010 at 5:50 AM

Dear One, I am so sorry for the pain aand confusion. Yes, healing takes so very long ( here is the inpatient ME talking) however we didnt get sick over night either, the dysfunctional pattern took years to develop... Not too long ago I posted I AM FLOATING NOT DROWNIN. THat is as I feel, I used to feel like drowning, still each and every time I surfaced, stronger then anything what happened to me! Now I am floating and heya, it feels great. I am sure youw ill surface, and you may realize that you never drown....

Just Be Real/God Whispers In The Wind said...
April 12, 2010 at 4:41 PM

You know, I thought I had already commented on this post, but apparently I did not.

Lily, so very sorry you are struggling now dear. ((((Lily))))