So Long Self

My peace is gone.

Why has God teased me? Why did he let me feel something I have been trying to achieve for so long, just to take it away from me so quickly?

It feels like a dream. Like those few short weeks when I felt better than I have in years were just a figment of my imagination. In my mind I picture the evil one hiding behind the scenes, laughing that I ever held the hope that I was getting better. Laughing even louder now that it's gone and I am back to fearing every choice, feeling and thought. Laughing at my tears and my pain.

And I don't even have the strength to care. Why work so hard if it can all be taken away just like that?

11 comments:

sarah said...
September 12, 2010 at 3:44 PM

Hi Lily...my therapist used to tell me for every two steps forward you go one back. I hated hearing that. I didn't want to hear it. I think it's true though. Hang on ok. You had the peace...it will come back...Stay strong.

Just Be Real said...
September 12, 2010 at 5:30 PM

Dear Lily I am so very very sorry for your pain. I wish I could be there and actually hug you to let you know I am here with you. I cannot say I know exactly how you are feeling, because I do not. But dear one I am here listening. (((((Lily)))))

Angela said...
September 12, 2010 at 6:31 PM

I'm so sorry that you are hurting right now. I wish that I had some words of comfort for you. Sending all my love and {{{HUGS}}}

lifemultiplied said...
September 12, 2010 at 11:30 PM

Remember that it's up and down, up and down, Lily. It sucks being in the DOWN but at some point there will be the UP again. Be gentle with yourself.

Paula said...
September 13, 2010 at 12:41 AM

Lily, hugs to you. I think it is great that you feel how much better to have been. I truly believe it is good that you feel the "loss" now. Both sides show awareness and gratitude and the desire to have eit back.
I know I didnt become dysfunctional over night and even then I had some good moments, days or even weeks. Yet the dysfunctional returned and progressed. Other way around it worls the same - it comes and goes and the time where the more helathy parts are feel-able and visible to you will increase to. It is the ebb and flow of human being, of working and relaxing in the progress. Sometimes we even need a plateau to settle and take a deep breath. recovery is extremely hard. It takes patience.
(Grant me patience BUT hurry ;-)
Dear Lily, please be kind to yourself. Very kind. Nothing has been taken away, it is still inside you. It will surface again and stabilize over time. Love to you

Marj aka Thriver said...
September 13, 2010 at 5:42 PM

Oh, I'm so sorry Lily. And your "Peace" post sounded so optimistic and healing.

I can totally relate to where you are now. I hate to have to say it, but I've been there many times. This healing process has so many peaks and valleys. It is not a linear process at all. And we work so hard to get to the peaks and the next thing we know we are in the dark valley and it feels like we will be there forever.

I'm not going to give you any cliche advice or anything. But, I do know that I never stay in those dark valleys forever, even if it feels like it will be that way at the time. I also know that the way you feel right now feels like shit and there are no words I can say that can change that at the moment. Just know that you are not alone and that I care. (((((((((Lily))))))))

Colleen said...
September 14, 2010 at 9:40 PM

I can so relate to this. It is that roller coaster ride. Very frustrating. Hugs.

mile191 said...
September 20, 2010 at 2:05 PM

lily,

oh hon. losing a grandma. i have missed a lot of what you have been going through. i am so sorry.

pain. this pain is awful and real and big. i hope you are resting. and be patient with yourself. you have had a huge blow.

i lost grandma two years ago and it is not any better for me. somedays the pain is less and some days more, but you always miss them. i lay on her grave a few months ago and just sobbed, wishing i could somehow be close to her, even if that meant burying me. so sad, such heartbreak.

just give yourself time. and know you are not alone, or crazy, or even weak. you are real and normal.

hugs, safe hugs,

mile

Paula said...
September 23, 2010 at 9:39 AM

Thinking of you. Love xxx

imaginenamaste said...
September 23, 2010 at 9:53 PM

hello dear, i hope that you have found some safe, inner peace...thinking about you!