Round Hole, Square Peg

Man, I had no idea it had been so long since I posted last.

Last week was my first one back to work since December 17th. It was extremely busy but all in all it was a pretty easy transition back. This week is Spring Break, so it was nice to be able to get my feet wet and then take a break. I left Saturday morning to fly out to California to see my dad. He is in a rehab hospital now and doing remarkably well considering everything he has been through (aneurysm and stroke) 45 days ago. His ability to process things is probably what has been affected the most, but he continues to make improvements every day. It's going to be a long road, but I know he will get better!

I got back late Tuesday night and have been in kind of a funk ever since. Normally leaving my dad is hard, because I only get to see him 2, maybe 3 times a year... but this time it was hard for a different reason. I so want to be there and be a part of my dad's recovery, but it just isn't feasible. That's very hard for me to come to terms with.

I had a session with V today, which I'm not sure if I'm satisfied with how it went or not. I've been so distracted by things lately that I have been trying too hard to push myself back to where I was (as far as awareness of how things were affecting me, what I wanted to talk about, etc) and it just isn't working. It's like trying to push a square peg into a circular hole. Push all you want, but it just won't work. That's how I feel.

I've been feeling very lonely lately. So many of my friends are pregnant, and if they aren't pregnant then they are getting married. It's really hard to see all of that (dang you Facebook depression!) knowing you want it, but still feeling too scared to pursue it and unsure if you're ready for it. I know there's no way I'm ever going to get what I want without allowing myself permission to take risks and try things that I might not "feel" ready for, but I'm just in that mindset that I believe it's never going to happen for me. That in 10 years I'm going to be in the same place I am now and have to resort to doing something like AI to get pregnant because I won't be married.

My desire for motherhood comes and goes in waves. Most of the time I just have it in the back of my mind as a life's goal, then other times it is ALL I can focus on. I want nothing more than to have a child. It's like withdrawal. I HAVE TO HAVE IT. I think there's a name for it, biological clock or what have you. The smallest things just set me off... and that's how it has been the past few weeks. I found out my oldest best friend (friends since birth, born a day apart and neighbors) is pregnant. She's not married or even in a serious relationship, but I was SO jealous when I found out. V texted me the other day saying she'd have to postpone our phone session because she couldn't get her little girl to sleep. Stab to the heart. Things that you wouldn't think would be a big deal have just been tearing me to pieces.

Today I found out that two of my co-workers are pregnant. It's like it's surrounding me. Showing me what I want and may never have. I know it's negative and unhealthy for me to be allowing myself to think this way, but I have no evidence that anything but this will be the case, and my logical side is being drowned by my over-emotional somewhat dramatic other side.

6 comments:

Flannery said...
March 18, 2011 at 7:59 AM

Lily,
Glad you are back. I am sorry you are lonely. That is hard to go through.You sound a lot happier and it's good your Dad is doing better. As for having a baby, there is a time for everything and it will happen and it will be the right time and you will know it. Take care. I'm thinking of you.

Grace said...
March 19, 2011 at 1:24 PM

Hi Lily, I'm glad to *see* you, too. It's so hard when we long for things and it seems like "everyone" around us gets to live what we can only dream of.
(((LILY))))

Grace said...
March 19, 2011 at 1:24 PM

Hi Lily, I'm glad to *see* you, too. It's so hard when we long for things and it seems like "everyone" around us gets to live what we can only dream of.
(((LILY))))

Just Be Real said...
March 20, 2011 at 6:57 AM

(((Lily))) Glad to see you again dear one. I know the pain of loneliness all too well.

imaginenamaste said...
March 30, 2011 at 9:08 PM

Just wanted to send you a virtual hug :)

katieinwonderlandx said...
March 31, 2011 at 4:32 AM

Sometimes i wonder if Facebook actually has ANY merits! :) I love it, but im not sure why, because it depresses me to see how much good other people seem to be doing enjoying their lives, while i try to make my fb look as though im doing the same. I wonder if everybody is facebook-faking it? :) Loved your post, hope you are well <3