For The First Time In Months

I'm almost afraid to write this, lest I jinx myself.

For the first time in MONTHS I am feeling like myself. Not lost in the depths of depression or in the throes of anxiety, but dare I say, content.

For the first time since Christmas, I actually got together with my friends. I didn't cancel and stay locked in my apartment. I even had fun! I didn't feel scared to be out, or anxious to be surrounded by so many people. I didn't even want to leave like I so often do after about an hour. I am even going out to dinner tonight with another group of friends.

It's almost like the past 2 months didn't even happen and I'm just waking up from a bad dream. I am still very emotional about my dad and the situation regarding his health. He has been moved out of ICU and is out of the woods as far as death goes, but he is still having a hard time staying alert. He is only awake maybe 4 hours a day, and is often very withdrawn during that time. He recognizes people and has what the doctors call "automatic speech". Meaning he can talk to you easily using speech that is embedded in the brain from frequent usage; like hello, goodbye, please, thank you, etc. He has a harder time trying to construct longer sentences, but can if you don't overwhelm him.

I am so thankful that he is no longer in any danger of dying, but now I'm having to come to terms with all of this change. It may take years for him to fully return to where he was before all of this happened. He may be the same person, he may not. He may have deficits, he may not. Lots of unknowns. I started crying when I was driving the other day because I realized that when I flew out there in a few weeks that he wasn't going to pick me up at the airport like he always does. He wouldn't give me the huge hug and greet me with "Hi Punkin", like he always calls me. It's a lot to have to take in.

Given everything that's happened in the last couple of months, I am so grateful for where I am right now. It's nice to finally see the hard work I've been putting into my healing us finally paying off.

9 comments:

Flannery said...
February 27, 2011 at 9:57 PM

I am so happy for you, Lily.

Being Me said...
February 28, 2011 at 6:58 PM

Peace comes in many different forms and we don't always recognise it for the noise in our lives. I am learning that in mine. Experience it, hold on to it and let it take root in you.

God bless you.

imaginenamaste said...
February 28, 2011 at 9:36 PM

I am so glad things are looking up for you and your family!

imaginenamaste said...
February 28, 2011 at 9:36 PM

I am so glad things are looking up for you and your family!

God Whispers said...
March 1, 2011 at 4:47 AM

Lily thank you for sharing and I am really happy for you. Blessings.

Grace said...
March 3, 2011 at 5:26 PM

Hi Lily, I hope you're still doing well. Thinking of you ~ Grace

sarah said...
March 4, 2011 at 8:45 AM

really happy for you....praying it continues

sarah said...
March 4, 2011 at 8:56 AM

so glad you're doing well.....

Kim said...
March 8, 2011 at 2:49 PM

I'm glad you let yourself enjoy feeling good, even if just for a moment. It's a start, right?