Journal Share

My session this week focused on my list that I posted a few posts ago, the quotes from the book that stood out to me. I was so terrified of talking about those quotes. I didn't go as in depth as I should have. *sigh* In addition to that we talked about any feelings of anxiety that I had in the past week, as almost all of my emotions show in the form of anxiety. I had sent her an e-mail last Tuesday night after my session because what we had talked about was very overwhelming to me, and I told her I felt the need to quit. When she asked me about this Tuesday, I told her I wished I hadn't sent her that e-mail at all. Now I feel like I can't quit seeing as I've brough attention to the fact that I want to. She told me I had a decision to make, whether or not I wanted to continue in the cycle I had been living the past 12 years or if I wanted to take a different path. I told her I had already made my decision... otherwise I wouldn't have shown up that day.

My homework for this week is to think about the decision I have made to move forward even though the work it is going to involve is going to be very hard. I am supposed to write down any fears, thoughts, ideas that enter my mind when I think about this. Oddly enough, I had already done this before Tuesday... when I was feeling so overwhelmed with everything.

"I want to run and hide. I want to pretend like nothing is wrong. I want to go back to feeling numb, because numb doesn't hurt. I feel as though everything I have done this past year has led me down this emotionally draining path with little to show for it. Now I'm coming face to face with the face that I really haven't been dealing with emotions at all, but that I have been repressing almost everything. So what is this pain I have been living with? Why do I feel as though I've been doing nothing but feeling, just to realize the opposite? If repression feels like this, what will feeling feel like? Opening the door to this is like an avalance on my soul. I don't know if I can withstand the weight."