A Pain Like No Other

I was woken up at 5AM on Tuesday, April 21st by a phone call from my mother. I knew it wasn't good because she never calls me that early. I thought my grandmother or grandad had died; they are both in such poor health. But no...

My 13 year old cousin died. In the fog of being half-awake all I could respond with was "WHAT?!" I could not believe what she was telling me...

On April 1st, T was diagnosed with leu.kemia. She had been having very bad pain in her leg so she was taken to the doctor and they thought it was just muscle strain. A few days later her leg swelled up, so they sent her to the hospital and made the diagnosis. Her friends all thought it was an April Fools' joke. Thankfully it was the treatable form and she started che.mo right away. She was put into remission on Friday (17th) and we were all so thankful. Her che.mo had done an amazing job, and thanks to some blood transfusions she was feeling so much better. Over the weekend she started feeling bad, but by Monday she was in a lot of pain again so they took her back to the hospital.

Arriving, her blood pressure was 60/20. They ran some bloodwork and found out she had a very aggressive infection: staph. They tried to give her antibiotics, but her little 90 lb body couldn't handle the stress of the infection, the chemo and the strong antibiotics. They put her on a ventilator to try and help her body rest, but her heart stopped around midnight. They continued CPR on her for almost 2 hours, but she just wasn't strong enough.

I have spent the rest of the week driving back and forth from my home to my aunt and uncles (about 45 minutes away) every day after work. Yesterday was the funeral and probably the worst day of my life. My cousin was such a sweetheart. Granted because she was almost 12 years younger than me, we weren't as close as some of my other cousins, but we saw each other often and had lots in common, like the fact that we were the only ones with red hair :) Watching the videos of her life, hearing things about her from her friends and watching my aunt and uncle say good-bye to their only daughter is something I will never forget. I held it together pretty well until they went up to her coffin and my aunt started sobbing. I have never cried so hard in my entire life. I just leaned over to my mom and wept in her arms. The pain we are all feeling is too great to describe.

"If I should go tomorrow it would never be good-bye,
for I have left my heart with you, so don't you ever cry.
The love that's deep within me, shall reach you from the stars,
you'll feel it from the heavens, and it will heal the scars."