Guilty


I found out today that my inner child is carrying around a tremendous amount of guilt. Guilt about her little sister's abuse. Reading through my account of the abuse in session today triggered a memory of a conversation I had with my little sister 12 years ago where she blamed me for being the reason she was available to him, and triggered a reaction so intense that I spent the latter half of my session in hysterics, hyperventilating and shaking so bad I thought I was going to pass out. Never in my life have I felt like this. I didn't realize I could hurt this much. All I can think about is the burden of her statement and I want to die.

10 comments:

HeartfeltHeartLook said...
July 17, 2009 at 9:24 AM

The guilt belongs to him. How can a child already steeped in fear be responsible? Your sister was hurting and lashed out (like we often do) at the closest person - you. I've never suffered this kind of abuse, but from someone on the outside looking in, I can promise you, none of this is your fault. Children should be loved, protected and carefree. Deep down she knows the guilt belongs to him. Praying for you...and your sister.

Mark said...
July 17, 2009 at 2:59 PM

Guilt is the absence of forgiveness. You must forgive yourself and everyone else involved.

Harriet said...
July 17, 2009 at 9:48 PM

I hope your therapist helped you realize that the blame is not on you, it's on him. A child is not responsible for another child. I hope your sister is getting help also. I'm sorry you're in so much pain, and I wish there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

sarah said...
July 18, 2009 at 8:12 AM

my older sister apologized to me a few times for not protecting me but I told her, it wasn't her fault. She shouldn't feel guilty. It was him. His fault. Not her. Lisa, you were struggling to survive yourself. Sarah.

Madison said...
July 19, 2009 at 6:03 AM

There are so many things that we all replay, that we wish we could go back and do differently when really all we were doing at the time was surviving. Sometimes you just feel that if you could put the blame on one person, you'd have it all figured out. Hurting people hurt people. I'm looking into your future. It's better than your past. Keep moving forward. God bless you.

Grace said...
July 19, 2009 at 6:24 PM

I hear your words of pain. I am so sorry you are in so much pain.
Thinking of you,
~ Grace

Just Be Real said...
July 22, 2009 at 6:07 PM

I am so very sorry dear one. ((((safe hugs))))

VICKI IN AZ said...
July 31, 2009 at 1:48 AM

I am so very sorry.

sarah said...
July 31, 2009 at 3:42 PM

HI. wanted to check in with you and see how it's going and to tell you I really appreciate your comments on my blog. Hang in there ok. It gets better. You deserve better too. Sarah

Anonymous said...
January 3, 2010 at 6:52 PM

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!