It's Not Easy

Music always makes me so introspective. One of my absolute favorite pieces is "Rhap.sody in Bl.ue". I am listening to it now. Such an amazing piece. So many different movements... some fast, some happy, some slow, some melancholy. So much like life.
If you have the time, listen to the two parts I have linked here.

Session today went well. I adapted my summer goal from "not having nightmares" (not really something I can control) to "not thinking about things right before bed that cause me to have nightmares". That being said, I established a habit a long time ago to go through step by step all of the events that occured up to and including my abuse, mainly because there are fuzzy spots/gaps in my memory and I would always hope that I would remember if I went through it every day. So it just became something I did before I went to bed, like washing your face or brushing your teeth. Aside from being habit, there is a fear there that I am going to forget things and not be able to remember enough to work through it. Like I really could ever forget, but the fear is still there. So it was suggested to me that I write it down, that way I don't have to burden myself with the constant barrage of emotions and feelings that come with reliving the abuse every day. My first reaction was so point out that it could be found and read by someone, but honestly the fear was more in the actual putting into words what I see in my head. That is extremely scary for me. (See this post for a journal entry I wrote on this exact thing).

So as it was presented to me, I've put myself in a very contradictory circle. I am having nightmares because I am thinking of the abuse every night, but I have problems going to sleep if I don't go through it. I'm afraid I'm going to forget if I don't do that, but am also afraid to do what will give me the piece of mind to go to sleep easier. So my homework this week is to figure out a solution to my dilemma that I am comfortable with. It can be anything I want it to be... there is no right answer. But I know what I can do to help myself heal (and possibly hurt) more, and it isn't the easy decision. But life lately has been anything but easy decisions, so why should this be any different?

5 comments:

imaginenamaste said...
July 7, 2009 at 10:30 PM

I think it would be great fun to make a envelop for all the thoughts/memories that cause nightmares...even if it isn't a real one. A place in your brain you tuck it away for a little while so that you can rest and just "be."

Here is another song for you: Welcome to where ever you are by Bon Jovi (you tube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNYQwZDcf1E)

imaginenamaste said...
July 7, 2009 at 10:30 PM

I think it would be great fun to make a envelop for all the thoughts/memories that cause nightmares...even if it isn't a real one. A place in your brain you tuck it away for a little while so that you can rest and just "be."

Here is another song for you: Welcome to where ever you are by Bon Jovi (you tube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNYQwZDcf1E)

HeartfeltHeartLook said...
July 9, 2009 at 4:26 PM

Even thought I know you've had problems with trusting God, it still wouldn't hurt to pray that you can dream the dreams to work through your struggles. Ask him to make it to where you are looking in and to send His angel with you.

Just Be Real said...
July 10, 2009 at 4:27 AM
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Harriet said...
July 10, 2009 at 9:15 PM

Can you set aside a different time of day to think about your abuse rather than before bed? Maybe if you give yourself permission to think about it for a certain period of time every day you won't need to think about it at night and it will still satisfy your need to think so that you won't forget.