Questions

Why was I strong enough to read out loud what I wrote to my sister, but the idea of reading what I wrote about my abuse is something I can't even fathom?

Why can I think logically about correctly placing blame where it lies, but yet my heart tells me otherwise?

Why is it so hard for me to let go of the guilt and allow myself to really feel what is beneath it?

Why does the prospect of just touching a toe into the metaphorical pool of my pain make me feel as though I am going to fall in and drown?

Why can I not feel the anger I think I should for the man who abused me?

Why is it I can envision forgiving myself for the hurts I have caused others, but not for the hurts I have caused myself?

Why was this the life I was supposed to lead?

Why was I chosen to bear this pain?

James 1:2-3
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.

7 comments:

Harriet said...
July 23, 2009 at 4:08 PM

I'm so sorry I can't answer your questions. I have never been where you are. I just wanted you to know I'm out here listening and sending positive thoughts your way. I hope you get these questions answered and the path to the answers isn't too difficult.

Just Be Real said...
July 23, 2009 at 5:04 PM
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Madison said...
July 23, 2009 at 7:30 PM

To most of these questions, I would say how odd it would be if you weren't asking them. Some people do things arrogantly & selfishly and their actions impact many others negatively and they're too stupid to ever get that. I think, for example, that my sister met a very nice church-going man. Everybody in the church said he was nice. Turns out, he was a pedophile. My sister didn't know this. She married him, had a beautiful girl who is a gift and a blessing to all of us. This man abused her. My sister took this man to court and a jury found him not guilty and ordered my 5-year old niece (after she testified against her dad) to go home with him for a visit. He went on to molest three other innocent girls, birthed by two other wives. We could ask why forever and the answer will never be good enough. But, in spite of it all, there's God's loving, healing heart reaching down into a pit and pulling my niece up. There's no denying this sick man threw her into a pit. But, God is lifting her out. I hope you can find it in your heart to focus on God because He cares deeply for you. These abusers will reap their just reward. Maybe not the words you want to read, but I am alive to say that there is no pit too deep, no hurt too bad, no night so dark that will keep your Heavenly Father from loving and caring and healing you.

HeartfeltHeartLook said...
July 23, 2009 at 9:08 PM
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
imaginenamaste said...
July 26, 2009 at 10:15 PM

I wish I had some amazing insights on your question

....more so, I wish I could give you a huge hug in person and let you know that you are supported and amazing.

For your questions....I think that, when the time is right, you will know those answers or those things that might be the answer will happen.

I think I have many of those questions myself. For one....that I really believe...."why was this the life I was supposed to lead?"....I honestly have always thought that everything--even the bad--happens for whatever reason, maybe to help someone else, and that we might not always know that answer, or even see that answer for ourselves.

Wrapped up in Life said...
July 27, 2009 at 8:04 AM

That verse in James, although one of the most troublesome due to its raw truth, is among my most treasured verses. Because of His promise to develop perseverance in us - and you know that He will NEVER leave you nor forsake you, dear one.

My heart is with you. Remain weak in yourself and strong in Him. He will give you all of the strength you need to face the coming days.

(((hugs)))
e

Marj aka Thriver said...
July 27, 2009 at 7:19 PM
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.