Where is my motivation?!

My company teamed up with our local hospital to offer a free wellness check for all employees that wanted to participate. So of course, getting $400 of free bloodwork and a general health analysis based on family history and personal info could not be passed up! As much as I hate needles, I just could not pass up this opportunity.

Everything is normal... I wasn't expecting anything less! My HDL (good cholesterol) is a little low, but that could have been the medicine I've been tapering off of or just the fact that I am overweight. I knew that was going to be my only mark. So I got my analysis back this week and the first thing that I open in that folder is a sheet saying I'm at risk of heart disease, cancer and diabetes. The first two mainly because of my family history, but also because I am oveweight. It felt like such a slap in the face. I know that I worked my butt off to lose the weight I did and I know that I did so much to improve my health, but seeing this analysis just makes me feel that all that work was for nothing because I am still unhealthy! I have gained 20 lbs over the past 3 years and have now pushed myself back into the obese (god, I hate that word) category. I am short, but carry my weight well. I wear 10's and 12's for the most part and do not feel that I am *sigh* obese. So with tapering off my meds, I know that my metabolism has a better chance of ramping back up and giving me an opportunity to get back to the wei.ght lo.ss that I was able to achieve in 18 months.

Only problem is, I have no motivation. Sure I want it, and I know I could do it if I could get my will power under control, but I am having a hard time finding that drive that I used to have. It is so frustrating. Over the past 3 years, I can get my food under control, but then can't establish an exercise routine. Then I get my exercise under control but feel that I can slip on the food. My lifestyle has completely changed however. I rarely eat fast food and whenever I do go out I'm always thinking "Is there anything healthy I can eat there?" but it is proving to be the things that pop up that are doing me in. Snacks in the work room, snacks at meetings. I eat and don't even realize it! I used to be able to see all food and be like "WHOA. Red light! Do you want to eat that even though it is going to cost you?"... and the answer was always NO! I had such willpower! Now it's like I go into a complete haze and just stuff my face with (insert any food here) and only then do I realize that I could have stopped myself if I had just thought about it!

November 29th is my 5th year ann.ivers.ary of starting W.W. My goal is to lose 10 lbs by then so I can celebrate two good things. Somehow that ann.ivers.ary will almost be in vain if I continue on the path I am on right now.

7 comments:

Zan said...
October 17, 2009 at 3:49 PM

Yes this thing called willpower can really suck. I seem to get boosts of it like twice a year for two days? seriously, it's difficult I know. I find it easier to set a goal.. so your WW anniversary date sounds like a good idea. try it! and once you have lost 10lbs you might just be motivated to keep going.
xx

sarah said...
October 17, 2009 at 8:45 PM
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Colleen said...
October 18, 2009 at 9:55 AM
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Being Me said...
October 18, 2009 at 8:27 PM
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Erin Merryn said...
October 18, 2009 at 10:50 PM
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Harriet said...
October 19, 2009 at 7:17 PM

Losing 85 pounds is a great accomplishment. I can't believe you're considered obese if you wear a size 10. Something is not right about that! But if you are eating healthy you shouldn't focus on the number on the scale or the size of your clothes, right?

Sara said...
October 19, 2009 at 10:17 PM

I personally think the weight categories are a bunch of crap! Weight does not = health! A really good friend is considered obese and also wears a size 10! She is so healthy and athletic! Feel good about yourself--that is all that matters!