Can I do this?


I am so afraid. The path I have traveled over the past two years has led me on all sorts of twists and turns, stops and starts, climbs and falls and I have ended up here. At the edge of a place I never thought I'd be, a place I never really planned on being, but yet my steps have lead me here.

I feel so alone. I'm on the edge of a confrontation that breaks all my rules. You can't possibly love and be faithful to God and have such anger towards Him. Or even if you do, you don't dare admit it. You become the fake person who pretends that everything is OK, but live in constant fear that your secret will be revealed.

Every ounce of me is trying to pull myself from the edge. It just seems too dangerous.

9 comments:

Just Be Real said...
October 21, 2009 at 4:42 AM
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sarah said...
October 21, 2009 at 5:19 AM

I know sooo much what you say here. I feel it from you because I've been there. And I've been so angry at God, even shaking my fist at Him daring Him to kill me. But I found out later, much later, how gentle He really is. I wasn't gentle with me. I was so hard and unforgiving and harsh with me. He's got you....And He won't let you go even if you don't feel Him....
There is light...Hang in ok. I'm praying for you and in your corner. Sarah

Harriet said...
October 21, 2009 at 7:20 AM

I hear you, and understand. Luckily I don't believe in God, so I don't have to deal with anger and mixed feelings towards him (her?). But pretending everything is OK and the accompanying fear is me.

One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite books: Keep passing the open windows.

Being Me said...
October 21, 2009 at 9:07 AM
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Zan said...
October 21, 2009 at 11:26 AM

I hear you.
Me and God don't get along right now, or perhaps it's me not getting along with God? I do not know. I know I came to a cross roads. I was brought up being told God is love, yet God will punish me terribly for my sins. I was brought up fearing God, believing there wasn't all that much love there as everyone said.
Now I do not know what to believe...
I hope you will feel better soon. I hope you will find your path.
I hope you will find peace.
And whatever you set out to do, yes you can do it!

HeartfeltHeartLook said...
October 22, 2009 at 2:57 PM
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imaginenamaste said...
October 23, 2009 at 12:20 AM

You post is beautiful. Yes, you can do this. You are strong and powerful. I wish I had words for you, but to tell you, "yes" you can.

Colleen said...
October 25, 2009 at 4:30 PM

It is OK to be angry with God. We get angry at those we love don't we? But God knows our hearts and our pain. He understands our anger. He can handle our anger. He is love and mercy and compassion. And loves you no matter what.
You are not alone.

Erin Merryn said...
October 25, 2009 at 9:49 PM

OMG...that picture is so scary! Good visual to describe how your feeling. Hun pick up my book I hit on these topics hard core in my book. Anger, and being at that edge, and oh the twists and turns. You'll understand once you start reading Living For Today but take your time with it.