Doubt

I know I haven't been updating much, and it's honestly because I'm not sure what to say. My thoughts are stalled and I feel stuck. I don't know where I am supposed to go from here.

Session on Tuesday was very "basic", not really delving into anything intense but focusing more on what my next step to intensity is going to be. I am on the edge of approaching the spiritual grief I have kept hidden for so long. It is so frightening to me to try to step into this that I am dragging my heels.

Next session will be my one-year ann.iver.sary with A. I cannot believe it has already been a year. I think back to that day and remember just how out of control my life was and how terrified I was of my future. Man, that seems like such a long time ago, but at the same time when I think of the fact that it has only been a year, it's hard to wrap my head around! Towards the end of the session, we went over my intake form and re-assessed the things that I had written, such as my reasons for being there, my goals, and what I thought my focus needed to be in different areas (physical, emotional, spiritual, etc.) After just having discussed how hard I've worked and how much (she and) I feel I have changed, reading over my goals caught me off guard. I don't feel like I've made any huge strides towards the goals I had a year ago, even though I have done the hardest work in my life trying to confront my abuse and work through it. I still feel like the biggest reason I am in counseling is to deal with the effects of the abuse.

Not only that, now I'm thinking I'm wrong for having these feelings. I've worked hard! I've changed! How can this still be something I view as an issue? Why haven't I been able to take everything I've learned and live my life, be in a relationship, and be happy? Why is it when she read me that goal of being in a relationship I felt that all too familiar surge of terror? Maybe I haven't worked as hard as I thought. Maybe I haven't changed as much as I thought.

7 comments:

Just Be Real said...
October 28, 2009 at 11:28 PM

Ahhh dear one you are not alone in this. It has been a year also for me that I have been seeing my current t. I said the same thing too. "I do not think I really changed." My t. chuckled and said, "Oh yes you have!" So, they see a lot that we do not!

Thanks for sharing dear one. Glad you were able to post. Blessings and hugs.

Al said...
October 29, 2009 at 2:19 PM
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Susan said...
October 29, 2009 at 8:47 PM

Hang in there. You are doing just fine. There will be a point where you see the dstrides you have made.

imaginenamaste said...
October 30, 2009 at 12:38 AM

I'm glad I came to your blog tonight. I'm also nearing the one year anniversary with my latest therapist and think about what really has changed. But, you know what? I think that what has changed the most are the ability to communicate and acknowledge what I want to change. I think you have changed--look back at your writing. You are so honest and genuine.

sarah said...
October 30, 2009 at 11:05 AM

this healing journey seems like it takes forever. So many times I felt like I was over something and then other times it felt like I was exactly where I thought I wasn't anymore. ok, it's totally slow but I think one day we wake up and notice that there's been a shift inside. I think you're doing awesome. Keep having your voice. Cheering you on and privilaged to be on your healing journey, Sarah

Harriet said...
October 30, 2009 at 7:27 PM

My one year point was last month, and I feel like a failure for not being "cured" and "happy". But think about it, one year is so short compared to the amount of time that we have spent thinking about ourselves in negative ways. One year is just a drop in the bucket. It's a journey, that's for sure.

Colleen said...
October 30, 2009 at 9:16 PM

We are on a journey. Sometimes we feel like we are going through the same old thing. But Father Keating wrote that it is like a spiral staircase. We feel like we keep coming around to the same old thing but we are dealing with it on a different level. Hugs and blessings.