One of those days

I feel like I have been hit by a truck. My body is so drained from the panic that consumed me today... only now am I coming down from that, and I am feeling it right down into my bones.

I had one of the hardest sessions of my life today. I told myself before I went in there that I was going to read out loud the letter I had written and not allow myself to make excuses. Easier said than done. I think it took me close to 25 minutes to read the first paragraph. I had the onset of a panic attack as I kept reading and I could not stop shaking for the majority of the time... all because of words. Words on a piece of paper. Who knew the truth could be that terrifying? One paragraph was so hard for me to read I completely broke down right in the middle of it... ugh. I hate crying in front of people. I feel so weak when I do that but I just could not stave off the panic AND the emotions all at once, so I made the decision to cry a little in return for not completely freaking out in her office. Life's a trade off right?

In retrospect, I am very glad I was able to read it all in one session, especially since I won't be able to go back for another 2 weeks. Had I not done it, I would have looked down on myself for being so weak and not doing the best I could. At the very least, I accomplished that. But now, I have all these emotions out, they are no longer just a part of my thoughts... but now A knows about them. I know that they are as safe with her as they were in my head, but it's amazing how much more real it makes this entire situation.

I'm hoping I can sleep tonight without any more nightmares. I had one Sunday night that kept me up for a long time. Sometimes living alone is not such a great thing.


therapydoc said...
December 25, 2008 at 12:31 PM

I'm so glad you're doing this. I know it's hard, but hopefully you'll get a lot out of it. I tell people, you get out what you put in, maybe more, maybe less, but the process beats BEING ALONE with your emotions all of the time!