Does a year change everything?

So it's been almost a year since I've posted.. and not much has changed. Life as I knew it completely fell apart the last 2 weeks of 2007. I could barely function, having constant panic attacks and extreme depression. I was put on medication and was able to pass as "functioning" to most people. Only C really knew what was up... and had she not been there for me, I probably wouldn't be here today. January, February and March were awful still. I continued going to counseling and made some progress but it was so hard. I never felt really connected to her, so I didn't share a lot of things I should have. April and May picked up and I started feeling more like myself. I was in Europe for half of the summer, and Cali.forn.ia for the rest. I finally started feeling more like myself! No panic attacks, no depression!

August rolled around and I had a new challenge. I was moved to a different department and had to "find myself" among a new set of co-workers. Thankfully they are a great group, and I absolutely love it (when I swore to myself I was going to hate it!!). Things were going good (as good as denial can be) until my grandpa died. C warned me that death has a way of bringing back things you think you have buried, but she was right... the PT.SD came back with a vengeance and I started having panic attacks again. I knew I needed to get back into counseling, but with someone new. She helped me research people who were trained in the type of trauma recovery I need, and I started seeing a new counselor the last week in October. Somewhere in the mix, I've found out that the PT.SD/anxiety has started triggering physical reactions. I passed out at work one week after having a sudden onset of rapid heartbeat and spiked blood pressure. Went to the doctor, bloodwork and MRI produce nothing. Had the same thing happen last week, had an EKG today and it came back completely normal but that leaves my subconcious triggering these physical reactions. I talked to my doctor about possibly being put back on anti-anxiety meds (since I stopped taking any medication in March) and she recommended I go see a psychiatrist. I'm going to think about it...

November was rocky... I hit one of the lowest points ever and contemplated checking myself into the hospital. I should have been talking to C, but I just couldn't. I'm sick of only having these awful, depressing conversations with her. I want to be able to be happy and not unload my burdens onto her. She has a lot on her plate too. Things are somewhat stagnant right now. I have good days and bad days, although this week has been touch and go. I had to excuse myself from a meeting to go in the bathroom to ride out a panic attack. Those days are not fun.

Christmas can't get here fast enough...

P.S. I've joined a new gym and will be working a new circuit in hopes to lose more weight. I've gained 15 lbs since I started my career in 2006 and I absolutely hate my body right now. Ugh.