So my first official day of winter break has been draining. I have had more anxiety in a 2 hour time period than I have in quite some time... oh the joys of triggers. I had an appointment for my annual exam with my OBGYN. I'd put it off for almost 8 months and couldn't justify going any further even though current events in my life had me an absolute basket case. I knew I needed to tell her about my past, but I just wasn't sure how. I got there and immediately started feeling panicky. While sitting in the exam room, wearing the dinky little robe and being covered with a sheet, I started shaking. Not because I was cold but because I was so nervous. She walked in, we exchanged greetings, discussed changes in medications, menstruation, etc when I took my turn. I honestly don't remember all that I said, just that I was so tense and shaking the whole time and I was trying not to cry. I am proud of myself, that I was able to do something that I knew would be hard for me, but would be the best for me as well. I had never told her anything about abuse in my past and as my doctor for the past 6 years she should know. I don't remember much of the exam, though. When I get really panicked/threatened/anxious, I retreat to this place in the back of my mind where no thought/memory is allowed. I remember feeling some pain this time, which was new, but I chalk that up to being so damn tense. Aside from that I couldn't tell you if she talked to me or not, if I was there for 5 minutes or 20. It was my goal to not do this, to be more in tune with what was going on because retreating the way I do is not how I should be coping anymore... but it was just too much in a short period of time. I guess I'll get another shot next year.

I have a session tomorrow and I am not looking forward to it. The "homework" I was given was extremely hard for me to do, and again I felt so threatened by it that I shutdown and went into "self-presevation" mode. I wrote about it, but from a distant, disconnected perspective. I didn't think about what I was writing nor did I let it affect me. We'll see how that goes when I share it tomorrow... if I can share it. I'm thinking tomorrow isn't going to be a tense-free day either. At least I'm going out with my girlfriends tonight... that oughta loosen me up a bit!