Get it together!

The past two weeks have been exhausting. In the last 10 work days, I have missed 5. My intense cyclical depression has now branched out to include social anxiety. Just the idea of going to work where I have no opportunity to leave or even rest immediately ramps up my anxiety and in the past few weeks has induced a few panic attacks. I took today off so I could take in another session with A, which was really good, but as soon as that was over the looming fear of having to return to work hit. I am trying to change the way I view my anxiety, being more aware of it as a method of understanding the thoughts/emotions that bring on the panic, as opposed to not acknowledging it as anything but a physical reaction. I didn't even want to leave to go to the gym, but knowing how much better exercise makes me feel I did. I got there and found out there was an explosion in the adjoining building, frying all the electricity. Sure hope God wasn't trying to tell me something there.

So I sat at home trying to decide whether or not it was worth it to go into work tomorrow just for the sake of saving one of my days in case I needed it later, or taking care of myself now. I chose the latter. I never put myself first, and I'm going to do that. I have an appointment to see my OBGYN tomorrow to start medication, so hopefully the knowledge that help is on the way will be enough to get me back to work on Monday. My hope was to be able to go to sessions 2x/week in February, but that was going to require me to take a half-day every Thursday. I was totally willing to do this, but it turns out her latest time on Thursdays is at 12:30 (and I am eligible to leave at 12 on half-days) but every Thursday was booked at that time except one. So that leaves me with the option of 10:30, having to come back to work the same day (not a good idea), or 11:30, if I can convince my boss to let me skip lunch. Given what happened last week (leaving at 11:30 and being docked a full-day) I'm thinking that I shouldn't get my hopes up. *sigh* I wish she worked more than just 1 1/2 days a week, that would make my life so much easier.. and it is so about me right now. Heh.