I'm an inconvenience

So in session today, we started breaking down this letter I wrote. Spent the whole time on the first paragraph. I chose to address things in order of which they happened in my life; it was just easier to segregate that way. This paragraph we looked over was a nutshell of my pre-teenage years. From about 10 sentences she showed me how much they radiate certain beliefs I picked up then and have now; mainly that I am an inconvenience. It is hard to look back on my childhood and have that be the general feeling I get, and not only that... it's even harder to see now that my belief of that has affected how I respond to and enter into certain situations. It has completely destroyed my ability to have relationships with anyone. I mean, why would I want to enter into any relationship (friend or boyfriend) if that is I what I truly believe? The only problem is that I never knew that's what I believed. I don't go around saying to myself "OK, you can't be friends with her because you are an inconvenience" or "You can't date him because you'll only be an inconvenience." At some point it became so engrained in my psyche that it subconciously affected my decisions.

So now I have the knowledge. But the knowledge is not a light switch.. it does not just magically flip everything to a new outlook and new beliefs. I have identified who specifically I am an inconvenience to, and have to work on not labeling other people with that. I am not an inconvenience to them, only to these specific people. And while that is not a pleasant thought, it is true. And it proves to me even more that I am doing the right thing by getting help working through this anger I feel towards my family and the entire issue of my abuse. I have yet to feel anything about that... but considering that is the entire 2nd paragraph in the letter, it'll probably be presenting itself soon.


Laura L said...
January 11, 2009 at 7:04 AM
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