All I want to do is cry. Life was going along pleasantly, then nothing happened. No trigger, no event.

Feeling that something was going to erupt inside myself, I grabbed my journal, turned on the shower and curled up on the bathroom floor (old habit to "escape") and just let my pencil do the driving. What I was left with is sheer hatred of who I am. I want nothing more than for someone to agree with me. To tell me I am this awful person who deserves everything she got. It takes too much energy to hope that there is good underneath all of these flaws. Too much energy to fake the good to balance it with the bad.

I feel empty and alone today.


Harriet said...
May 27, 2009 at 7:20 AM

Unfortunately I can't agree with you that you are a hateful person. What I can agree with is that you are feeling miserable and hating yourself and that is a lonely tiring place to be. I know you feel that you deserve horrible things because of what has happened in your life. But I also know that you don't deserve horrible things anymore. If I was with you I'd sit in the bathroom with you until you feel better.

Wrapped up in Life said...
May 28, 2009 at 10:42 AM

I am so sorry you are struggling with this right now. I had a lengthy conversation with my dh last night about this very topic. I feel as though I deserve punishment when I make a mistake or a bad decision.

But who am I really hurting when I try to punich myself? Not only me, but the relationships I have with those around me.

Many hugs to you.