If you could change one thing...

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if certain things hadn't have happened.

A major thorn in my side is that my mom basically "kicked" me out of the house because her new husband thought I was too old to be living at home (I was 18). So I transferred schools, where I knew some girls from high school and it was the best thing to happen to me. My college years there were the best times of my life. I got into the education program, met my best friend, and stud.ied abroad. I learned more about myself in those years than the previous 18. To think how absolutely different my life would be now if the simple act of being kicked out of the house hadn't happened really makes me wonder.

That causes me to look back even further. What if I hadn't been abused? How would my life have been different? Would I have continued being the same person I was? Outgoing and fearless? Would I have had the "normal" high school life of dating and heartbreak? Sometimes I like to think that my life would have been a storybook tale if I hadn't been abused, but that sometimes makes things worse. I already have problems blaming myself, so thinking my life would have been storybook if I had just done SOMETHING different really stings.

Leap back even futher. What happens if my parents never got divorced? You could argue that I would have never been abused, but there is no way to know that. He was a family friend who would have still been around if my parents were together. Yes, he had more means and opportunity because he moved into the house when they both divorced, but just thinking about the possibility that what I went through might not have ever happened makes me view my parents' divorce in a very dark light.

It's so weird to be in my head wishing these things to never have happened, but to realize that it would completely erase who I am. I would not exist.