Fall Fear

Last night was the first night in almost two weeks that I sat down to journal. I had been told to stop journaling at night because of the destructive triggers it was stirring up in me, but after such a long time I almost felt like I was pushing myself backwards into not feeling anything and avoiding the topic. It definitely felt good to sit down with a pen in hand and write about what was bothering me.

Towards the end of my session last night, I told her that I was worried about starting the upcoming season because the past two years have resulted in a VERY rough fall . Last year things fell apart in October, starting with my grandfather's death and snowballing with constant panic attacks, depression and my eventual re-entry into counseling. The year before that is when my whole world came crashing down at the realization/confrontation of my abuse. I could barely function. I don't know how I made it through working during those first few months. I am worried that I am doomed to have another awful fall. October is when I start running out of fuel, getting too much on my plate then crash and burn... and last year I crashed and burned hard. I do not want to have to go through that again.

So when I sat down to write about this, I was just as emotional as I was bringing it up in session. I was on the verge of tears because the fall represents such a low point in my year... I can still feel the wound that has had little time to heal. I am so afraid that no matter what I do I can't prevent it from happening again. And not only that, the friend/mentor who helped me through the roughest time in my life is now retired and is no longer a few doors away, which leaves me feeling even more trapped at work. No one knows what I am going through. I don't think I can handle having to put on a happy face in front of everyone at work again. At least with C, I could be real. I don't think I can handle going back to that place again. I am just not strong enough. The fear is overwhelming. It's causing me to want to ditch my path and hide where no one can ever find me.


Madison said...
August 20, 2009 at 4:56 AM

At my job, the stressful months begin in January. I know a woman who is depressed from October through December just thinking about how overwhelmed she will be from January through March. Because of her thoughts, the stressful months are doubled. She has a rotten October through March. Somehow, we always really do make it through. I believe you will meet every challenge you face with God's strength. You will be a blessing to those around you. Where you can't, God can. His strength will be made perfect in your weakness. You can trust Him to come through for you. You are loved. Give it your all. You can't give more than that. I can tell from your blog that you're a wonderful person. With God, all things in your life are possible.

Harriet said...
August 21, 2009 at 7:57 AM

I'm sorry this is such a hard time of year for you. It sounds like your mentor was great, it's so sad that she's not there for you right now. I hope your therapist can help. How did she respond when you told her of your fears?

Erin Merryn said...
August 21, 2009 at 12:50 PM

Journaling is healthy just make sure you have a good support team (therapist, friend, family) that can help you with what comes out of journaling.

Colleen said...
August 23, 2009 at 2:53 PM

I am sorry for this difficult time for you. I hope you find another friend at work that will help you feel like you can be real. Hugs.

Susan said...
September 7, 2009 at 11:55 AM
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