Finding the Right Feeling

C.R. was this evening, and I almost didn't go because I was exhausted from being in constant meetings from 8-4, then a volunteer post from 4-6:30. Why in the world would I want to go to C.R. from 6:30-8:30?! But choosing growth over laziness, I went.

The abuse group that normally breaks off from the large group was missing its leader today, so I stayed in the big group and wasn't used to their routine. I ended up not being able to share because of this, so I'm going to do so here. What was rattling around in my head as others were speaking is how difficult last week was for me, and the thoughts that fueled my depression and destructive behaviors.

Last week I was stuck in a rut of self-hatred. I despised myself for being an (unwilling) participant in my own abuse. Thinking of the fact that I was still carrying around the body that was abused made me want to crawl out of my own skin. I have never felt so uncomfortable with me. So with these thoughts fueling my actions, I made the concious decision to punish my body. I felt as though I deserved this treatment. I cut to scar my body. I cut to release emotions I had no valve for. I have no words or outlet for them yet. I cut to make myself feel better; to alleviate those feelings of hatred. Cutting is such an enigma for me. I do it as a punishment, for being weak and "allowing" myself to be abused... but at the same time, the feeling I get from doing it is strength. I look at the cuts and think, "Wow. I was able to endure that. I am strong."

So tonight our main question was to think about choices that are negatively affecting you (or others). This question brought me to thinking about my bad week. I started thinking about the things I was telling myself that pushed me to the point that I chose to cut. As I am in better place this week, the things I was telling myself sting a little less, but I can see them for what they really are. While I wouldn't say necessarily they are "choices", they are this: They are REAL feelings and REAL emotions that are being masked/diverted/portrayed as something else. I have a feeling, my self-hatred is soon going to turn into anger. And I have a feeling it won't be anger for anything I have ever done, but rather what was done to me.


Harriet said...
August 21, 2009 at 7:59 AM

It sounds like progress is being made. You should be angry, you deserve to be angry. What was done to you is totally unacceptable. Are you afraid of being angry? I have a fear of anger for some reason.

Erin Merryn said...
August 21, 2009 at 12:49 PM

I talk all about anger in my next book and that there is nothing wrong with being angry. The unhealthy part is holding on to that anger. You have to learn to let it go and not hold on to it but not feeling anger you would not be human. We all deal with anger especially those who have walked in our shoes.

Just Be Real said...
August 21, 2009 at 7:17 PM

Hearing you dear one. Anger is a toughie.

sarah said...
August 21, 2009 at 8:43 PM
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imaginenamaste said...
August 21, 2009 at 11:49 PM

Anger--you deserve to feel it! I always got mad when me told me that I made the "choice" to cut--I did not choose to have anything of the things leading up to it, was not in control of it. You are right, it isn't anger at yourself--anger at what happened. Real emotions are powerful.

mmaaggnnaa said...
August 22, 2009 at 1:08 PM

I agree with what the others are saying here . . anger is appropriate and natural . . . the existence of anger is positive because it is a sign that something is out of whack, something needs to be shifted. It is our natural warning system.

Please embrace it, welcome it, allow yourself to feel it. Anger is positive.

- Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)

Wrapped up in Life said...
August 23, 2009 at 9:29 AM

So glad to hear that you are having a better week this week. And I hope that the self hatred turns into anger sooner than later.

Just remember - it is OK to feel anger; there is no such thing as a bad emotion. It's how you handle it that makes all the difference in the world.

Thinking of you, dear!

imaginenamaste said...
August 24, 2009 at 7:13 PM
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HeartfeltHeartLook said...
August 24, 2009 at 7:50 PM

Praying for you Lisa Marie.

Susan said...
September 7, 2009 at 11:50 AM

When you feel the urge to cut yourself, ask yourself why? Is it really because something is not allowing you to feel in control? Remind yourself you can control whether you cut. This has helped me. I hope it is a method to help you, as well. Take care.