I've been in such a cloud of grief since last Wednesday that I haven't really done much for myself. Sunday evening I decided to sit down with my homework for the week, since I was having trouble sleeping. My assignment was to identify beliefs that were formed or intensified as a result of my abuse as they pertained to 4 different categories: myself, God, others and the world. Have you ever tried to sit down and figure out when you started believing what? It's a very time consuming process that left me feeling extremely out of touch with myself.

Going over those beliefs today makes me realize just how alone I felt in the first few years after my abuse. Everything I wrote down was something I believed as a direct result of that. Some of the beliefs were things that I no longer believe to be true, or only apply with certain people instead of being a blanket statement. Some I still believe to be completely true. One in particular has pushed me back into a feeling of such deep loss and grief that it brings me to tears when I just bring it up, let alone discuss it in depth... and of course tears presented themselves in session when I voiced this belief: God abandoned me.