Blessings

This might be the most amazing song I've ever heard. I hope it speaks to you the way it does to me.

Things Don't Always Work Out The First Time

One of the biggest hurdles in "regular" life for me is finding doctors, dentists, etc. I won't see male doctors if there is anything I can do about it. The exception for that is my orthodontist. But I digress, his hands only touch my mouth so there is no fear with him. As for everyone else who has a hand in treating me that has to touch me anywhere else, they are all female. But even with that statement, there is much more to the decision process for me than just being female. I go through a painstaking process of reviewing the state medical board information to find only people of certain races and ages. (I have an irrational fear of Indian doctors which I think stems from some less than stellar run ins as a child involving their bedside manner) I then search online to see if I can find their medical website and a picture. I have rarely walked into an office blind, and the couple times I did, were disastrous. There is so much (irrational) fear associated with that that if I can't find a picture, I don't even consider them. I have spent most of my post-abused life learning to read people for dangerous signs, personality traits, actions, etc. A picture for me is a way to offer myself that opportunity to read that doctor.

From there I take the next step to check insurance, maybe see if I can find someone who uses the same doctor and can give me a good/bad report and take the plunge. This process has worked wonders for me in building trust with my doctors. That being said, the process puts me at a disadvantage. I have been lucky with my family doctor and my surgeon. Those fields are highly saturated with men which leaves me with a small percentage that will fully meet my criteria. Thankfully, it worked out in my favor.

Recently I have been grappling with this process, as my next step that God has put in front of me is to start seeing a psychiatrist. Something I tried once (and went in blind, having seen no picture, found no info) with a horrible outcome. I left feeling more minimized and vulnerable than when I had come in. I never went back and swore off the idea of ever going to anyone again.

But as I wrote in my previous post, my answer to a prayer to God came to me one morning. My psychiatrist that I saw when I was a teenager, I think 13-16ish. I had completely forgotten about her. I really liked her and was very comfortable talking with her. She actually listened to me. I looked her up and was ecstatic to see she was still in practice, although very far away. At that point, I'd drive however long to go to someone who already knew my history and was someone I could trust. Not only that, I checked with my insurance company and she was in network! Hallelujah! I called the number and left a message with her manager. I felt really good about this. Like I had heard God and done what he called upon me to do.

I was crushed when I got a call back and started trying to set up an appointment. There was a mistake with the insurance company and they had left her name on the list accidentally. She had terminated her contract with them when she downsized her practice and moved. She still saw patients, but on a much smaller basis as she was also currently the medical director for an in-patient/out-patient treatment center. I could see her, but it was going to cost me $300 for the first consultation and $225 each time after that. That was just too much for me to get on board with.

All of this happened Friday morning and I sat in my office so confused. Why would God give me this answer then put this roadblock up almost immediately? My first instinct was to quit, forget it. It's too hard. But something in me felt as though this really was what I needed. I accessed my insurance information and got a list of providers. I was willing to drive just about anywhere in the area if I could find someone who fit my parameters. 166 is the number I started with. 130 were male. 20 of the 36 females were Indian. 7 of the 16 females were over the age of 60. That left me with 9 prospects.

I did my homework and for various reasons (only pediatric or geriatric psychiatry, working only in hospital wards, etc) I was down to 2 people. It wasn't looking good. I typed in the first name, got almost no extra information, no website or a picture. The drive was a good hour, hour and 20 minutes (without traffic) from my city, too. Feeling as though my search was futile and a waste of time, I typed in the last name left.

I was definitely surprised when I found that she had a website (apparently it's not a common practice among psychiatrists). I browsed it, reading about her background, her practice, what she treats, etc. No picture there, but some very thorough Google searching and I was able to find a page on the children's hospital site that had her picture and matched her credentials listed on her website. The smiling face met mine with instant approval. You can just tell with some people. They're kind. They're compassionate. She met my standards 100%.

I put a call into her office (which is still a good 45 minute/hour drive from me) and left a message, hoping beyond all hopes that the secretary would call me back before the end of the work day. By then it was already 1:30 PM and with it being Friday I did not want to have to wait all weekend for more information.

Imagine my surprise when I got a call from her office, picked up the phone and it was actually her, not office staff. I almost didn't know what to say. I've never had a doctor actually call me on the phone. We talked for almost 10 minutes, me giving her the basic reason why I am coming in, her explaining her methods of treatment, fees, etc. Her cheery voice definitely put to rest any fears that I still had about the process. I hung up the phone and gave a little chuckle. Quite the test of strength and will God has put in front of me. I really do believe that this is going to be a good thing. That this is going to help me continue down the road I want to be on. That it is going to help me to heal. And not only that, I think I'm actually going to be strong enough this time to do what I wasn't able to do before.

Hidden Thoughts

My session today focused mainly on my near constant shame based thinking. We discussed all the great things that happened this week; the things that I have wanted for so long, but never really had. Real connections. But I have had to fight the voice in my head trying to convince myself that I am going to do something to mess it up. It is a fear that has often kept me from letting people in. I can't mess up if no one is there.

I'm leaving for California on Thursday, and while I am excited, I always get very anxious before I leave because I have to put on a different front and be "happy" Lily. My dad and stepmom don't know my struggles the past two years with depression and the confrontation of my abuse. It has been well established with A that it is probably a good thing that I keep it from them, as they have both proved to be unhealthy people to confide in. It is just a lot of pressure to keep so much of my life "hidden" and (sometimes) pretend that everything is okay. A made sure to remind me that this shame I am putting on myself because I act like a different person is because my thoughts are misguided. Instead of viewing it as a negative thing, I should be proud that I recognize who in my family is trustworthy and safe to share things with and who isn't. And not only that, be strong enough to keep myself safe.

The hardest thing for me lately has been the pressure I feel around the group I have met through church. I live in constant fear that someone is going to find out that I question my faith constantly. That they'll find out how little I know about the Bible, Jesus and Christianity in general. I sit in a classroom with this group of 50 people and they all appear to be so sure and established in their faith. They don't appear to have doubts. They believe with all their hearts and do amazing work in spreading the word and helping others to believe too. Then there's me. I feel like I've swiped a sweater and shoved it in my bag and am looking around for security. I feel like I stand out like a sore thumb. That it's painfully obvious to everyone that I have doubts.

Going to church has always been a struggle for me, or rather, organized religion has. The rules, the pressure, the judgement... it has always been a horrible deterrent. But when I sit down and pray, I have no doubt. When I sing worship songs, I couldn't feel closer to God. When it's Him and me, everything is fine. When it's Him, me and other people, I start getting confused. And the thought of anyone knowing that about me scares me to death. I have never taken these thoughts out of my head and put them anywhere.. paper, computer screen or out in the world.

So having met these amazing people that I have spent quite a lot of time with, I'm afraid. I don't feel like I can ever ask anyone the questions I have for fear of being judged. I don't feel like I can ever confide my fears in anyone because they will look down on me. I about panicked when one of the girls asked me if I was going to start discipleship with them next week. How in the world can I tell them I'm not even sure enough about my own faith, let alone attempt to pair up and learn how to spread faith to others?

I did a crappy job of trying to tell A all of this. Again, I have never spoken these thoughts, and with A being a Christian, I find it extremely intimidating to talk about this with her. Towards the end of our session, A looked at me and commented on how proud she was of me for taking these steps outside of my comfort zone. She even commented on how impressed she was at how I jump head first into things that I know are going to help me when I am ready to do them. That I don't let excuses hold me back... but after we talked about how afraid I am to let people know the "real" (confused, questioning) me, she brought up one of my biggest goals: relationships. Part of having a relationship starts with trusting people with those things you want to keep hidden. Working towards letting those people you want to connect with on a deeper level know you on a deeper level.

And that is horribly scary.

Thankful

Sorry for the lack of posting, but this last week has been absolutely jam packed!

My week was amazing. I look back on certain things and can see why God put it there for me. Getting past this setback is going to take work, but this week was a huge step in the right direction.

I have been fortunate enough to find a really great church group full of people my age and current stage in life (single). A lot of them I went to college with and knew as acquaintances, others I know from other walks of life. Since I have been going there, I have felt less lost. Like I have a home. And not only that, there are people there that are truly fantastic people. Sunday mornings have consisted of class with them. After class last week, I headed to a graduation party for a friend's daughter. This friend of mine is someone who I met through CR, and it was being thrown at the daughter's house of another friend I met through CR. Over the last 3 months, we have become extremely close. I have felt like a part of their family. And sitting at that graduation party surrounded by all their "real" family and a few very close friends, I realized just why God put them in my life.

I can be loved.

These people didn't know me from Adam a year ago. Through CR, we shared our worst struggles and demons, we laughed and cried and connected with each other. Even through all of that, them knowing my past, my darker thoughts and actions, they have shown me the type of acceptance and love that my family doesn't do.

Both of these women are older (a little above and below the age of my mom), so their kids are close to my age. I hadn't ever met the daughter who hosted the graduation party, but was nervous about meeting her. I didn't want her to think that my presence was because I was trying to steal the love and attention from her parents. But again I was surprised. This girl, who is only a few years older than me, is such an amazing person. Their whole family is. I look at all of them and wonder how people can turn out to be so wonderful.

So that evening we all made plans for Thursday. Her husband is the coach at the high school that my school feeds into, so he basically coaches a lot of my former students. Thursday night they were playing a 3-game series against the #1 team in the nation to try and advance to the state championship. Everyone got together again, went to dinner then to the ballpark to watch the game. Again, sitting there eating with everyone, I just sat back and thought to myself, God has given me these people to show me that I can be loved. That I am not damaged.

Oh, and by the way... our team won the first game 14-6.

So Saturday rolls around and it's time for the 2nd game. I was invited to drive with the daughter to the game (it was much further away this time). Since she's married to the coach, we got in free and got GREAT seats. Of course it's Te.xas and it's the summer. We were in the sun the whole time and the high yesterday was 102. I was so hot and sweaty, but it was worth it... because they killed them! 12-3! #1 team? Psssh. The boys are going to state!

We went out for a celebratory dinner, me, the parents, two of the kids, the daughter in law and one of the grandkids (The coach and the oldest grandkid went to dinner with the team). They put us in a private room (we joked because we smelled so bad) and again, I was hit with how lucky I felt to be sitting there, surrounded by people who have shown that they are truly accepting, regardless of my past, present or where I might be in the future. They care about me. Now.

I have had to work hard not to take this wonderful thing and let my mind turn it into something negative. My fear always is that I am going to run people away if they ever find out the "real" me, so that voice in my head has been working overtime. "You're too selfish, once they find out you are nothing like they are, they'll leave you." "You're not a good Christian, you question too much and don't always have faith." "You're eventually going to overstay your welcome and they will push you away." That horrible voice that has permeated my thoughts for a long time. That voice that showed up after I was abused.

A and I are working on that voice. My homework this week was to catch myself in those thoughts and counteract them. It feels fake and far from genuine, but it's going to take a lot more than a week to change. I'm just so thankful God has given me these people to practice with.

The Backwards Truth

Amazing video shown at church last week. Just when you think it is the wrong video, things turn around. Literally.

I hope it speaks to you the way it spoke to me.

Then The Phone Rang

Things were quickly spiraling out of control for me last week. It was one of the worst weeks I've had in quite a while. I think I cried every day and when I finally collapsed into bed for the night, I cried then too.

I was exhausted.

Through my tears and pain Thursday night, I found the strength to pray. It almost felt like begging.

Please.

Help me to understand this pain. Help me to understand your path for me, why these things happened and what I am supposed to learn.

Please.

I woke up Friday and put my happy face on, as I was heading to have lunch with my mom and sister. I made myself eat a little for the sake of not raising questions, but just as it has been the entire week, I just did not have any appetite. I left with such a stomach ache (the stress has been aggravating my gall bladder issues, plus the fact that the one thing I had eaten since Tuesday morning was french fries, a big no-no) that I had to go home. I had other plans that afternoon, but I could barely sit up straight.

So I went home. I dissociated myself so much that I don't even remember thinking for at least an hour. Then the phone rang.

God?

Nope, my new boss.

I got the job.

I'm sorry what? Me? The one who was convinced she blew her only chance by showing up 45 minutes late to the interview? The one who was convinced that they wouldn't be able to see past the fact that I am not perfect, but that I am an amazing teacher?

I couldn't believe it.

I got off the phone and had to check myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming. I sat there in awe/confusion/excitement.

It took me a while to realize that my stomach ache had gone away; that I wasn't in any pain any more. Suddenly I was hungry.

My prayers that night were much different.

God Is In Control

I found out today that I have to leave my school due to downsizing. I work in an extremely fast growing district, and a new school is opening next year to relieve my current school of our large student population. With that though, goes our teachers. I thought I was safe because I have been at that school for 4 out of the 6 years it has been open, but I found out today that I am being forced to transfer because they won't have a spot for me. :(

I am crushed.

I love my school, my kids, the people I work with, everything. I can't imagine not working there. Maybe because I've never worked anywhere BUT there, with those people.

If I am lucky, I will get to go to the school that is opening and taking half of my kids. In that case, I would know most of them, which would make the transition easier. Most of the teachers in my position (which is about 60% of our current staff) wants to transfer there too, for the same reason: to be with and around people you have worked with and taught the past 4 years. Easy transition.

Here's the problem:

This new school that is opening should have about 30 positions to fill. My school alone has about 25 people who are being forced to leave and the other school that is downsizing to help start this new school is losing up to 40 (!!!) teachers that will also be trying for this school that their kids will be going to. 30 positions for upwards of 65 people. There is a good chance I won't get a placement there.

If that happens, then I basically can be put at any school that has an opening without having any say in that or what I will be teaching. They could technically tell me that I have to get certified to teach another subject in order for them to retain a position for me.

I'm so upset. I had higher seniority than 70% of the staff at my current school and that still wasn't enough to keep me there. I really wasn't worried until Friday, when one of my friends who started the same year I did (2006) was told he was going to have to transfer. I couldn't believe it. However, God immediately started softening my heart to the idea of having to leave. I spent the whole weekend thinking about why it wouldn't be bad to leave and start this new school. Why it could be a good thing. He kept reminding me that every time he has changed something for me in my career it has turned out to be a positive thing. Why would this be any different?

But now all I feel is sad. I hate change. I hate having no control. I hate not knowing what is going to happen. And that is exactly what is going on.

But God is in control, and he has a plan for me. It might not be the plan I have in mind, but he will give me the strength to get through it.

Finding Rest

Rest can come in different forms and serve different purposes. Physical rest is needed during times of illness and growth, as well as daily in order to recharge your mind and body. Emotional rest is needed for relief, processing and even safety. Constantly being emotionally charged is not healthy, just like constantly moving is eventually going to end up in you being forced to stop.

So how do you find spiritual rest? Have you ever thought that you need it?

Up until tonight, I never really thought about the fact that there is a place of rest in the hands of God. Not until God spoke this very thing through a dear friend at Cele.brate Recov.ery.

So many people struggle with waiting. Waiting for God to lay at their feet their greatest desires. Waiting for what you think you deserve. Waiting for the life you think you should be leading. Waiting for a sign that you are doing the right thing. Be patient. Wait and it will come. This amazing woman who spoke of this tonight at CR, is someone I can relate to in almost every aspect of my life. We share the same greatest desire. To be married, to have a family. Wanting that and not pushing to make that happen is hard. Seeing those around you finding their mates and settling into their happiness is harder. Waiting for God to give you what you want the most; hardest. Waiting to see if God's desires for you are the same as what you have in mind; terrifying.

But what happens if you let that go? Letting go gives you the rest you so desperately need because when you let that go and give it to God, it's no longer yours to wait for, to worry about. Letting go gives you the rest that will strengthen your mind and heart and let you grow closer to God. Letting go will make it all the more meaningful and powerful when you receive what God has in store for you.

Now if only letting go was easy.

December Beware

I'm not a huge fan of December. 2 years ago is when my walls came crashing down and I no longer could hide from my abuse. I was diagnosed with PT.SD and depression and barely was able to manage a normal semblance of a life.

Last year, after surviving another meltdown in late October, I spent much of the holidays in a fog. It was a time where my attempt at denial had come full force to knock me down, take away all my defenses and make me feel as though I wanted to die.

This year is different, although part of me is on edge expecting something huge and awful to happen again. I am still finding that my moods are very erratic, but I am attributing that to stress more than anything. My sadness this year is coming from missing my cousin and hurting for my family. Her death is still so painful.

This week has proved to be a test of my strength and ability to focus on my recovery. Tuesday I let my exhaustion override my desire to heal, and basically wasted my time with A. The only thing I think I really gained was that I was able to communicate that with her and realize the actions that led up to it, hopefully so that I can keep it from happening again. Part of what kept me from pushing myself is that I have been feeling very alone lately. I do not want to push myself into things that hurt as bad as they do without having someone there to comfort me. It's a vicious cycle. It is very hard for me to trust people with my emotions, yet I want them there.

As part of my homework for the week, I was asked to think of ways I can start reaching out to others and allow them to begin seeing my emotions. Trusting people with facts is one thing, trusting them with how you feel is something completely different. As previously written, I reached out to a friend at C.R. who has been very supportive. She has helped me feel as though I am not alone in this world, even if it is only once week for a few hours.

I went to C.R. on Thursday and sat in the back. I just wanted someone to notice me alone: a non-verbal way to describe how I was feeling. I was nervous about small group because I knew I needed to let some things out, but did not want to cry in front of everyone. I listened as others shared, taking bits and pieces of things that I could relate to and dreaded my turn. Finally, all eyes were on me and I began talking of how hard it has been for me in the past week to not push. I am not trusting God to put that person in my life, and I am trying to play God and do it myself. I think I do a pretty good job of letting my life flow the way it supposed to, but there are times that I am just convinced I am being short changed and will just push until I have no strength left. This is definitely one of those times.

I moved on to what I had recently discovered about my relationship with my dad. I explained to everyone that I had come to terms with the fact that I was not going to have the relationship I wanted with my dad a long time ago, but that I was just now realizing it was OK for me to be sad about that. And not only that, that I could also be hurt and disappointed for things he had done in the past. I told them of a paragraph I wrote in this letter to him about how excited I was when I found out M was going to move in because it meant that he didn't have to be alone, but it also meant that someone was going to pay attention to me. M always did, my dad rarely did. Realizing that if my dad had been there for me before M, I wouldn't have needed him to save me from M.

I didn't do such a great job holding back the tears. I imagine I was somewhat incomprehensible throughout my time, but I think I did a pretty good job letting others see my emotions, instead of just the facts. Baby steps.

After small group, our women's leader pulled me aside and asked me if I was coming to the leadership meeting. I believe "Hell no" was what went through my head, but I'm pretty sure I responded with "Uh.. no way!" I am not a leader. My main fear is that with a leadership role, the expectations that would be put on me would be too fast and too much. I see what the leaders do in this group and I am NOT ready for that. I told her that and she insisted I come anyway. I am by far the youngest person at C.R. (with the exception of one other guy) so it was very obvious that I stood out in that meeting. I kept asking myself "What am I doing here?!", while we were waiting for the head of the church to arrive.

Recently our C.R. group has gone through a lot of changes with our coord.inator being laid off. Ever since then the feeling has been different, to me at least. Things were not as organized. So with the shift of power was the need for a new team to be put into place. Once everyone arrived, we were told who was going to be in charge of C.R. now and what her goals were for our group. Using the CR group manual (as provided by Saddle.back church, the original starters of C.R.) she went through the 4 different teams that needed to be formed to make everything run as smoothly as possible. Immediately I looked at those teams and wanted to RUN AWAY. Most carried a year long commitment which freaked me out. In comparison to everyone in the room who were a good 10+ years into their recoveries, I was just an infant. How in the world did anyone think I was ready for this? The man sitting next to me was new to our C.R. group, only in attendance for 2 months and he spoke up. He said he was there because he wanted to help, but did not feel that he was seasoned enough to help in the ways that most jobs required. There was one job on the list that had very few requirements as it came to the intense work of helping others, and that was the job of the "Greeter". He volunteered for that position and said that he was looking forward to just being able to help the group by volunteering to be the smiling face at the front doors, telling newcomers where to go and introducing them to everyone.

God was giving me my window. I chimed in and thanked him for saying exactly what I was feeling. I volunteered for the same position and felt this huge weight lift off of my shoulders. It was replaced with a sense of connectedness and acceptance. I might not be ready for 95% of the jobs on that list, but I did know I could do this. God gave me the chance to take a risk. I had my mind and heart open to it and now I am feeling less alone than I have in a while.

So far, I'm liking this December.

A Prayer Answered

Last night was rough. I haven't been sleeping very well after a sequence of abuse-related nightmares Saturday night and by the time I got to counseling I was exhausted, not wanting to even get close to working on what I needed to. We read through a few journal entries I wrote before Thanksgiving that offered some insight to her about where I am emotionally.

The pain and loneliness that oozed from my words still stings.

I feel so alone. I have pushed everyone away from me because they have not been safe, supportive people in the past... but in doing this, I have left myself alone. "What can you do to remedy that?", A inquired. "How do you go from being superficial friends with someone, to someone who you let know things, to someone you let see how you feel things? How do you know someone is a trustworthy person; someone you can confide in?"

Basically I don't have anyone in my life that fits into that trustworthy category right now except for the women in my C.R. group. Specifically, two women that have reached out to me and taken me under their wings. So taking my homework assignment in stride, I took a step towards a putting myself out there; letting my pain be known to someone else besides myself. I will see her tomorrow at C.R., when I can talk to her face to face, but I sent her a Facebook message last night, in the throes of my pain and tears...

What do you do when you feel so alone that God suddenly isn't enough? I know if I keep my eyes on Him, He will comfort me but how do you counter that with wanting someone to comfort and support you?I don't know how much more I can start uncovering in therapy by myself. I just want to curl up on the floor and quit until someone notices I'm down there. How am I supposed to keep going?

Lily,

You keep going because God isn't finished with you yet. You keep going because He never gives us more than we can handle. I Corinthians 10:13 says....."No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." This is the way it is said in the NIV Bible and although not usually one to like the way The Message Bible reads, I thought it was better said...."No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it."

Making God enough is a challenge for everyone. We are all faced with wanting something we don't have or with a feeling that we NEED something to make our lives better. I struggle with this! You heard me at C.R. the other night how I struggle with wanting a spouse in my life. It is my deepest desire. I struggle with making God enough on a daily basis! So it's a daily sometimes hourly decision I have to make to give it to Him and ask Him to make Him enough. Luke 9:23 says..."Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." It is a daily decision to deny ourselves and follow Him. Don't look to how much you will have to uncover in therapy by yourself. Look at it as, today what will God and I uncover together.

So many people have told me over the years when I talked about my desire to be married again..."you have to make God enough first" and most of the times I wanted to punch them in the face! :) Yeah....blah, blah, blah, I know I have to make God enough, but what do I do with this burning desire I have? Contentment is a hard place to get to, but the one thing I have figured out is that being content is not never having a desire that isn't met, but it's having that desire and having faith to wait for God to give it. You have to be content where God has you right now..even though you see it as a bad place. God won't have to find you curled up on the floor, because He will be down there with you. He hears your cries and it pains Him, but He has greater purpose for your suffering than to just let you out of them. I know this may be difficult to believe right now, but take it from someone that has been there before.....He WILL use it someday and then you will understand and glorify Him for it. God is the God of broken people and we are His most prized possessions. Because it is when we are broken that He can fix us and then use us to help fix others that are broken. How could I write this encouraging email to you if for not that I have been EXACTLY where you are and have made it through? I have curled up on the floor with a bottle of sleeping pills in my hand, but God wasn't finished with me yet because He knew that one day this beautiful woman named Lily would need me to encourage her! I absolutely love God for that!

But no amount of words from me will encourage more than the words written in the Bible. Go read it. Go devour it.

Do me a favor? Write the following scriptures on a notecard and take it with you the next time you go to therapy.

"I will go before you
and will level the mountains ;
I will break down gates of bronze
and cut through bars of iron.

I will give you the treasures of darkness,
riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the LORD,
the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

These are found in Isaiah 45:2-3 and next to them I have written "healing!"

I will be praying for you!


I read this at work and cried, because for just a minute, I didn't feel so alone anymore. Maybe God is giving me exactly what I've prayed for.

Spoken Words

What is it about spoken words makes them so much more frightening than thoughts?

My session Tuesday was great. I am so proud of myself for being able to push through my fear and not only write the two things A asked me to, but read them to her. Reading things aloud scares me. It has always brought forth an intense emotion that I can't describe. I can listen to my own words, think the same thoughts and talk about the situations/events with more ease than if I were to ponder over them, write them down, then speak them.

When I got there I knew it wouldn't take long for her to ask me if I had done what she had recommended, to which I knew I would have to make a choice on which thing to read first.

My first letter was to God. Here are some excerpts:

I always believed you were there, but that I just wasn’t supposed to know You like everyone else seemed to. I never understood why my friends were able to have such a great relationship with You and I didn’t know how to. I thought because I didn’t know how to that it meant I didn’t deserve to and never would. I was ashamed of not knowing You.

But with that realization came the most overwhelming sense of confusion and anger. How could the moment in my life where I have never felt so alone be shared by You? How am I supposed to reconcile the fact that not only did my parents let me down, but now all of a sudden You did to? I wish You weren’t there. Then I could say that it was my fault for pushing You away and that I deserved what I got and I could come back to You and ask for forgiveness. But instead I am stuck trying to understand why it was chosen for me to endure this and now understanding You let it to happen.

I was able to hold it together while reading through most things, with the exception of a couple of paragraphs about my abuse and a couple of paragraphs about my cousin's death. Those hit me hard. Harder than I was expecting them to.

Having read this one first, I was hoping I could avoid reading my next letter in the same session. I knew it would be harder. But A had different plans for me. My determination was really going to be tested here.

I stared at the letter I wrote my dad. I had plastered pictures all over it of the two of us. I love pictures. They speak so much when words cannot. Reading this was going to be so much harder. It took me a while to get up the courage to read the first word. I didn't hold it together as much as I thought I would. Some excerpts:

I always felt like I was in the way when I was with you. I never did anything right. You yelled and cursed at me, threw things, broke things, slammed doors. You used anger to communicate with me. You must have been mad at me, right? I must have done something wrong. I got to the point that I hated being alone with you.

When "M" moved in and I was excited. Not only for you, because he was your friend and that meant you didn’t have to be alone, but for me, too. He was nice to me. He talked to me. He wanted to be around me. He took advantage of my desire to be close to YOU. My pain is so magnified by the realization of that. If you had been there for me before "M", then maybe I wouldn’t have needed you to save me from "M".

Through the tears, I looked up at A and told her how much it hurt to think about and write down all of these things that I've never allowed myself to acknowledge.

It's amazing how a little validation can make you feel so whole, or rather, a little less empty.

Can I do this?

I am so afraid. The path I have traveled over the past two years has led me on all sorts of twists and turns, stops and starts, climbs and falls and I have ended up here. At the edge of a place I never thought I'd be, a place I never really planned on being, but yet my steps have lead me here.

I feel so alone. I'm on the edge of a confrontation that breaks all my rules. You can't possibly love and be faithful to God and have such anger towards Him. Or even if you do, you don't dare admit it. You become the fake person who pretends that everything is OK, but live in constant fear that your secret will be revealed.

Every ounce of me is trying to pull myself from the edge. It just seems too dangerous.

Busy Bee

Wow. I can't believe it has been almost 2 weeks since I last posted. Thanks for those who were checking up on me :)

Work is always super busy in the fall, with many after hours requirements. I worked two 14-hour days last week, and had to miss church on Thursday to help out my best friend who needed childcare because of her own hectic schedule. In addition to that, I had a big day on Wednesday. I got bra.ces!! Most of my friends were suprised that I was doing this as I have very nice teeth, but my fear of surgery lead me to leave my wisdom teeth in too long, which crowded my bottom 4 and top 2 teeth. So my dad is getting me a better smile for Christmas :) He was so sweet and sent me a little note saying he thought my smile was beautiful already. So I had that done Wednesday afternoon, and have been remarkably pain free, until today... but Tyle.nol is helping. I can't really eat, as my top two teeth are hitting my bottom brac.kets which is keeping my molars from touching in the back, thus not being able to chew anything. It has been interesting, but I am having fun eating ice cream! :) (photo removed 10/13)

I have had a rough couple of weeks emotionally. The first ann.ivers.ary of my grandpa's death was hard for me. I remember picking up my grandma a different hospital, and driving her to see my grandpa thinking we still had a few days to say goodbye, but when we got there the doctors told us he wasn't going to make it and we needed to go see him immediately. I remember standing there watching her say goodbye to him. I stood there and watched him die.

My grandpa was one of the only men in my life that I truly trusted. He was such a good grandpa. He gave the best hugs. Even when he was so sick, he still crushed me with his big bear hugs. He was always so positive... even when he was exhausted from che.mo, he wouldn't let it get him down. I miss his presence in my life.

I ended up choosing cutting as an outlet for my grief, bargaining with myself Tuesday night that I would only cut twice and go to bed. I did that, but then Wednesday I felt so much emotional pressure I thought I was going to explode. I ended up cutting almost 20 times that night. I felt so ashamed the next day that I had let myself get so out of control... so ashamed I couldn't even bring it up in session on Tuesday. I went in thinking I was going to tell her, but I did not want anyone else to know how weak I was. My homework had been to identify things that had happened or things I had done that is a testament to my strength, as I have been feeling very weak lately. We went through that list and then I just started crying.

I knew it was going to happen. That emotional pressure was only temporarily released with the cutting, but it had built back up. I am tired. I am so tired of having to work so hard at every little thing in my life. Having to care about everything. I can't ever just go blindly into a situation, because I am terrified of the outcomes. I told her I'm tired of living this life. I'm mad that this is the life I have to live, when others seem to have it so much easier. Do they have to analyze every situation for danger? Do they have to hope that every man is not abusive? Do they have to push back awful memories when they see a face that looks remotely familiar? Does everyone have to work so hard emotionally that they are raw all the time? My tears turned into anger, with no one to blame.

We got on the topic of God, seeing as I told her I don't feel I have anyone here to blame and she asked me how God fit into that category, specifically if I was mad at Him. I told her yes, but I would never admit it to anyone, or even say the words to myself. I feel like such an awful person even thinking it, let alone admitting it. I think I said that it was my parents who taught me that it was never OK to be mad at God, but later I realized that they taught me it was never OK to be mad at anyone, and I was the one who made that leap to never be mad at God. It's part of the reason why I am afraid to go to church. Everyone pretends they live this perfect life and are never mad at God, and I just feel like I don't belong... because I am mad.

I've been reading Psa.lms this week, mainly the verses where Da.vid voices his frustrations and angers with God. A man after His own heart, was mad at God. I've got to learn that it's OK that I am mad, too. Easier said than done.

Listening To Myself

So my date Friday went pretty well, I could tell he was really nervous so he didn't talk much. I on the other hand have never been so calm during a date. What a testament to how much I have grown over the past two years! That being said, I have been trying to figure out where to go from here. I never felt much of a connection with him. We have a lot of common interests and come from similar backgrounds, but there really is not a physical connection. No spark. I can compare how I have felt with previous boyfriends and I still get butterflies thinking of them, but with him there is nothing. I'm trying not to let that hold me back, and trying to convince myself that maybe if I go out with him again something will spark up but I think I am pushing myself because I want a relationship so bad.

Another thing that is a red flag for me is that he calls or texts me ALL the time. For instance... when he first asked me out we exchanged numbers and I talked to him for like 3 hrs last Sunday. Whatever, that seems pretty normal to me. But then he'd text me Monday morning to see how I slept. Then 4PM Monday as soon as work was over to see how it went. Then would call me Monday night. I told him I don't keep my phone on on Tuesdays (session days), so then he called me Wednesday, talked to him for almost 2 hrs (ugh, I hate talking on the phone), he sent me a text at 2AM wishing me a good nights' sleep, a text at 6AM greeting me good morning, then called me after church Thursday. This is all before our first date.

So we go out Friday night and it wasn't the best date in the world, but it was fun enough. He drops me off at home and no lie, 3 minutes later he calls me and apologizes for being such a goober... telling me he was so nervous, etc. He had asked me earlier in the night if I wanted to go to the state fair with him on Saturday, which I politely declined since I already had plans. So I wake up to a text asking if I am sure I don't want to go. 6 hrs later he texts to see how my day went. He wants to know if he can call me when he gets back to his truck (which I thought would be immediately) so I told him that I was eating dinner. No problem, he says... he won't be back to his truck for an hour or so. So I asked him not to call me, told him I don't even talk to my mom or best friend but once or twice a week. He apologizes and that's that.... I started to think I got my point across when he texts me tonight. "I know I'm not supposed to call, but I just wanted to see how your day went."

That just does not seem normal to me, and is a total turn off. I do NOT want to get involved with someone who is that clingy and smothering. Part of me thinks I'm over-reacting, trying to convince myself that I am the one being too sensitive but the other part of me knows that this would probably not be a healthy thing for me at this time in my life. I've been praying a lot for guidance, asking God to help me see what He wants me to do... I think I already have my answer but I am just not sure. Opinions, please.

Gratitude

Last night's group worship was focused on gratitude. It was broken down into 4 parts and discussed in the context of scripture, as well as the personal experience of one of our co-leaders. Each part gave us the opportunity to think about how to express gratitude for things God has given us, how He has put individuals in our life to help us through our lives and recoveries, how He has allowed us to recognize our own growth, and how to express gratitude for our church.

This worship and support group is really good for me because it allows me to see how God is part of my recovery and journey to a better me. During those few hours every Thursday, it is so clear to me. I have a lot of things to be grateful for, and a lot of them I can see God's hand in. But I have to sit down and think hard. I do not take the time to acknowledge the gifts life has given me, but rather I focus most of the time on the little things I cannot change and forget the amazing things I have in my life. When I let go of those things I want to change, I feel out of control. Instead of focusing on the positive, I am holding onto the negative.

Today I had a very stressful day. I was running circles in my head of what I could have done differently, how I can handle what comes after, and everything I needed to do before heading out for the weekend. No gratitude in my mind. I finally left and stopped to check my mail, which I hadn't done in almost 2 weeks and my little box was FULL of stuff. After sifting through all of it I was left with my water bill, a shoe store coupon and an envelope from my doctor's office. Ugh. I really thought I was done paying all my medical bills! I ripped it open wondering how much I was going to owe this time, but to my shock it was a check! $50 back in my pocket! Sometimes gratitude comes in different forms, but I chuckled and thought to myself, "Nice one, God. The $10 off coupon I got for the shoe store would have been enough, but you really made your point with the check!" Suddenly, the weather seemed nicer, the day a little easier.

I'm grateful I had my eyes and my heart open to God today.

God's Grace

Last Thursday I was at Tar.get, doing my grocery shopping after working out at the gym. I was sweaty and definitely had better looking days, but for grocery shopping, who cares?! I had just finished packing up my car with my groceries and was driving home when, for the first time in a long time, I heard God speak to me. I had been struggling with going back to C.R. since I had first gone a month ago. While sitting at a red light, all of a sudden my burden was lifted. I could feel Him giving me the strength I needed to go. And all of a sudden, I HAD to go. It starts at 6:30, and it was 6:25. I raced home to unpack my groceries, I didn't even take the time to change out of my workout clothes because I didn't want to be later than I had to be. I had an amazing experience and got a glimpse of something I think God has been trying to show me for a while... My strength is through Him.

Today's topic in large group was God's grace. It is through his grace that we are able to define and admit to our weaknesses, because only then are we truly strong. This is such a struggle for me. Admitting I have weaknesses and need help with those is something that does not come easy for me, but to think that admitting them to God makes me strong makes it so much easier to do. After reciting the serenity prayer, the leaders began to give out celebration chips, which is something that is done at the beginning of every month. It can be to celebrate the decision to recover, 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, 1 year of recovery/sobriety etc. I took my first chip today. The chip that one gets when starting their recovery, and ironically enough here is what it has on it:

"My grace is enough for you."

Beliefs

I've been in such a cloud of grief since last Wednesday that I haven't really done much for myself. Sunday evening I decided to sit down with my homework for the week, since I was having trouble sleeping. My assignment was to identify beliefs that were formed or intensified as a result of my abuse as they pertained to 4 different categories: myself, God, others and the world. Have you ever tried to sit down and figure out when you started believing what? It's a very time consuming process that left me feeling extremely out of touch with myself.

Going over those beliefs today makes me realize just how alone I felt in the first few years after my abuse. Everything I wrote down was something I believed as a direct result of that. Some of the beliefs were things that I no longer believe to be true, or only apply with certain people instead of being a blanket statement. Some I still believe to be completely true. One in particular has pushed me back into a feeling of such deep loss and grief that it brings me to tears when I just bring it up, let alone discuss it in depth... and of course tears presented themselves in session when I voiced this belief: God abandoned me.

Vacation Bliss

I have been in the mountains of southern California for the past week and it has been so blissful. My dad and stepmom live there, and my sister and I visit at least twice a year. The life they lead is storybook. When I go there I get to forget all my troubles and do things I never get to do on my own; shopping sprees, spa days, or just lay out by the pool and gaze into the mou.ntains without a care in the world.

That being said, all good things must come to an end and as I was driving home from the airport tonight I could feel the weight of my life starting to balance on my shoulders again. I did journal one night, but did not feel the emotion and connection that I normally feel when I am at home in my own bed, so close to my life that I can't help but feel everything that goes with it. I spent a ton of time with my sister on this trip, which I really enjoyed. I have learned not to obsess over trying to change her ways. She and I are very different and part of the reason why we had a falling out (among other reasons that had nothing to do with me) is because of my inability to accept her the way she is. I really do feel that I have grown and learned with my own changing that a person can only change if they want to, not because you want them to. I think that has really helped me in continuing to build a relationship with her.

Having so much time with her, we really were able to do a lot of talking. Something we normally don't do and I did my best to be supportive of her endeavors in life. A normal event for us when we are out there is to be handed the credit card and sent to shop til we drop. This time proved to be no different. Seeing as they live in the mountains, we are a good 45 minute drive from the mall or any shopping center, so we had a lot of car time. If you've ever driven a lot with a loved one, I'm sure you've noticed how much easier it is to talk side by side instead of face to face. Anyway, there were so many times I wanted to bring up the guilt I felt about her abuse and ask her if she blamed me for it, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't want to dampen the mood plus I really know what she would say to me. I know she doesn't blame me. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I can honestly say I am starting to not blame myself either. I know there is nothing I could have done to prevent it and there was nothing I did do to cause it. I really think that what I am feeling now is just pain... pain for her.
When I look back on that session where all of this came up, the session that I had that massive panic attack, I wonder just how much of that was a reaction to talking about my abuse so in depth. Initially I thought it had everything to do with how I felt about my sister's abuse and what I viewed as my part in it, but now I'm not so sure. When I think about how easy it was for me to write that letter to my sister AND read it out loud in session, it makes me think that this was not what was affecting me so much that I broke down. When I think about the 6 page account of my abuse that I wrote and brought into session, I can feel the adrenaline start coursing through my body and the increased pace of my heart and breathing. When I think about the last three paragraphs we read before I had to stop, it makes me want to crawl in a hole. That feeling makes me think that the issue of my sister's abuse was just a smokescreen. I am really starting to feel that God was just giving me a break in the road I was on to allow myself to gain some healing in my relationship with her and to gain some insight in how I can help myself before I turn my attention back to where we came from. And where I came from is a deep, dark place where I will need His help the most.

A Big Step

I am definitely getting an A on my homework this week. I was supposed to take risks this week, and there's no denying I did that.

About 5 months ago, the prospect of C.R. was brought up to me in session to which I immediately freaked out and shot down. Time passed, changes were made and it was reintroduced. I was still extremely hesitant but my "Hell No-o-meter" was not buzzing at full blast anymore. I mulled over it and had all but decided to at least try it, and give myself the option to do nothing after that if I didn't feel comfortable.

I went tonight.

I got there about 10 minutes before, sat in the parking lot and scoped out the people walking in. Most of them were male which made me extremely uneasy. I had all but decided to leave, drove to the exit then decided that I was being a baby. I cranked it in reverse, parked and walked in. The large group setting was in the church. There were a few worship songs, then a "lesson" followed by celebrations. A couple of the female leaders (M and C) introduced themselves to me (I guess they knew I was new) and asked if I was going to stay for orientation while the others split up into small groups. In order to get an idea of what everything entailed, I agreed. I was the only newbie this time, so M took me to a separate room and we talked. We talked about what brought her there, why I was there and what C.R. entailed. It is a Christian based program which would probably be good for me if I had my "spiritual ducks" in a row, but I am in such a bad place right now. Everything is based on your solid belief that God is there for you and loves you and I can honestly say I don't feel that way now. I was honest with her in the fact that I was having a lot of spiritual struggles that I was also working on in therapy and I wasn't sure if I could do what was "required" in order to be successful in this group. In addition to that, she said that everyone is expected to share after their first visit, to which I immediately raised red flags to. A always told me that if I went, speaking was only expected when you were ready. I am ready to listen and take in others' experiences, but I still don't feel ready to talk about my own.

I was feeling extremely overwhelmed with the information I was given, but yet so at peace talking to her. Part of me was screaming to leave and the other part knew that if I just had the strength to, I could trust her. Before we walked out of that room, she asked me if there was anything she could pray about for me. I told her about the situation with my mom and our talk, and then she took my hand and prayed for me.

I am afraid to go back. I just don't know if I am ready for this.

Crying

Gosh I hate crying, and I have been doing nothing but that since I left my session this evening. Crying makes me feel awful. Like something toxic is being pumped through my system and the off switch is broken. Crying is only nice if it is something you want to do... something you need to do. I was not expecting this and now I fear it's too late to turn around.

Whenever I am directly asked anything related to God or church in my sessions, something inside of me immediately reacts and I have to hold back the tears. It is an instant reaction. Something I have noticed, but not drawn attention to until tonight. In my homework, I mentioned something in one of my goals about not being afraid to go to church. To dig a little deeper we discussed how the social expectations of church scares me (i.e. the control is in the hands of a large group, rather than me) and then started discussing what emotions I have that cause me the instantaneous reaction of crying. I hesitated to even start down this road because one, I really can't pinpoint a specific reason and two, I'm worried that whatever that reason is, that it's going to be stupid/anti-climactic/etc. I told her it wasn't anxiety or really fear, but sad and upset. "Why are you upset?", she asked. I don't even remember exactly what I said, but I immediatley started crying and it didn't take long for me to feel myself losing control and put the brakes on. I totally railroaded our path in session, and asked to talk about anything else. Having nothing in mind, we cut it short. I hate it when I do this. I retreat at the slightest hint of feeling because it wasn't something I had the time to plan for. I really wish I could take a second and think calmly about things instead of jumping directly to a closed door. Add another goal to the list...