3 Questions

It's safe to say the last week has been emotionally exhausting.

Yesterday I had a double session, in reaction to my session last week. I was extremely pass.ive agg.ress.ive (which is not like me at all) and got home and felt horrible for wasting my time and hers. I made an agreement with myself that I was going to get it together and do what needed to be done... even though it scared the crap out of me. I journaled every day and got some good things to talk about. The best thing out of all of my entries were 3 questions. 3 questions I wrote in huge block print taking up the whole page.

These questions represented what I needed to be asked in order to feel ready to say what needed to be said. To say what has kept the "inner me" silenced so much lately.

The panic that rushed through my body when she asked me the first question was something I had almost forgot. It numbs your arms and your legs, but pools all of your blood in your heart causing it to beat wildly in your chest. Your breathing gets so fast it feels like you won't have enough air to continue breathing. It took me a while just to compose myself. I asked her to ask me again. Another wave of panic, but this time a little shorter. I asked her to ask me again. I sat there and thought... I stared... I closed my eyes. I told her I thought I could answer these questions if I kept my eyes closed. She asked me again:

Why are you afraid to give up control and let God take over?

(through streaming tears) He had control. He chose this for my life. He put me in that bedroom alone. How am I supposed to let Him have control when something like that could happen again?

Why don't you trust Him?

(through sobs and tears) Because He left me. He left me in that bedroom alone. I had no one. I needed Him there and he wasn't there.

Why is it easier for you to believe there is no God than to be so hurt by this one?

Believing there is no God is so much easier. It's so much harder to think that there is a God, that He wasn't there for you when you needed Him and that you are so hurt by that.

Just like your family?

(nod)


It took me an hour to answer those 3 questions. The next hour we began to touch on breaking down some of the answers to those questions. Free will is what it is, so God doesn't cause things to happen, but he does allow them. Stopping them negates free will. So getting myself to a place where I can acknowledge the difference is a first step. I don't remember how, but we arrived to the fact that God was there. At the beginning of the session, we had talked about my hesitancy to cry while I was there with her. I gave her my reasons then she asked me if I ever cried about what happened to me. I told her the truth... no. She then asked me what I thought God was feeling when I was in that bedroom. My only response was that He felt all the pain that I couldn't feel... the pain I still can't fully feel. If He was there, he took my pain so I didn't have to shoulder the burden. Now I think God is trying to give some of it back to me. I hope I'm ready.

10 comments:

Erin Merryn said...
November 18, 2009 at 9:30 PM

Boy do I nail your first question in my 2nd book. Trying to trust in God and give him control is not easy but you have to lean on Faith!

Sophia said...
November 18, 2009 at 10:45 PM

I really feel like we are walking in the same shoes. Every question you asked, are my current questions to God. Where WAS HE when I needed protected from my abusers as a little girl and on up? I'm following you...maybe you can help me answer my own questions that I am sometimes too angry to face.

I have found the strength to overcome my past and help others. It's just I struggle with God and all the "why?"'s.

Just Be Real said...
November 19, 2009 at 4:40 AM
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Harriet said...
November 19, 2009 at 8:03 AM

You are very brave, and doing such good work. I admire you and hope you get to the place where you want to be very soon. And your therapist sounds so gentle and patient, I want to give her a hug. And you too.

Amy Sorrells said...
November 19, 2009 at 12:20 PM

Just found you on "Let Go Let Peace. . . " and clicked on your blog. You are brave and beautiful. You WILL be whole. I believe in you!

sarah said...
November 19, 2009 at 6:31 PM

Wow. you are so brave. You stayed...didn't run when the questions were asked. Trusting God was huge for me too even after he freed me from the drugs...I didn't trust for a long time. You'll get there. In your corner. Sarah

Being Me said...
November 20, 2009 at 3:34 AM

Why does God allow it.. seems to be the perennial question ..God does not intervene..it is we who have to manage and deal with any situation and want his help to heal, trust him to help us heal.
God give you strength.
BM

Lisa Marie said...
November 20, 2009 at 11:00 PM

Thank you for all the wonderfully supportive comments, everyone!

Secretia said...
November 21, 2009 at 8:49 AM

Those are 3 Big questions.
Don't let them overwhelm you.

Secretia